Too anxious for big wedding - WWYD?

[Drivingthroughfords]

I've been with my partner for 7 years and we're in our 30s now. We've both been quite casual about marriage, but have recently got engaged. Yay!

HOWEVER, as much as I can't wait to be married to DP, I'm so anxious about a wedding. I feel like my friends and family would expect me to have the standard wedding with all the trimmings, but I absolutely hate being the centre of attention! The thought of having to do a big aisle walk, first dance etc. fills me with nerves. Inwardly, I'm quite shy, although most people wouldn't know that unless they really know me.

Ideally, I'd have something tiny such as a registry office ceremony with just our close family and closest friends, then throw a big party in a village hall with a big buffet. Part of me though is worrying that I'll regret having the "big day". Has anyone done this?

Please help!

YABU - Suck it up and have the "big day" - you'll regret it if you don't
YANBU - A small wedding + party sounds fab!

My sister had the most lovely wedding in a county Manor House. 14 guests (those that really, really mattered), she had the white dress of her dreams. An amazing wedding breakfast - because they went smallish, they splashed out on amazing food. Then a few drinks, afternoon tea, the newlyweds went to a hotel, the rest of us got changed and went to our local pub. No speeches, no cheesy disco, no fights. It was really lovely and was a brilliant way to include the important people in their lives without going all out - it made me rethink what I'd want.

Got married at the Register Office, told people afterwards. It was our wedding and that’s what we wanted 🙃

Do a small wedding, you don't have to stick with 'rules' for other people's sake. I would have felt and like stupid in a big white dress (don't get me wrong, they look amazing on most other people) so I wore a short, blue one.

We did have a big wedding as it's what we both wanted but as people have said, you can have a pick of lovely venues with a smaller one. We were quite limited by our numbers given we didn't want a big hotel or country house.

We did it small, about 30 guests, all family aside from one (shared) friend. I actually wanted it smaller, just us, the children and our parents but my mum offered us some money to do something a bit more fancy.

I don't regret it per se, but I still would have preferred our original plan.

Do it small, you won't regret it.

I had a big wedding and hated it. I felt so on show and it was just a way of my parents showing off to the rest of the family how much money they had.
Second wedding was in the registry office and then a reception in the garden. Just 15 people and it was perfect.
Please do what will make you both happy

No your not being unreasonable at all! I could have written this myself, just plan how you want too! Not to please others, it's your day! We planned our wedding last year for 2021, immediate family during day and more family and friends invited at night... So 25 maximum for the day (9 of them kids though) and then up to 80 for the evening, but obviously due to covid it will be alot less (which dare I say we aren't too upset over!) I say book the day you and your partner want, if you book for soon you will have no choice but to have a small day! But if not then just make sure the wedding is what you both want. And enjoy!

We got married with 2 witnesses and dd, then went for a posh lunch after. The following week we had a small party for family and friends. It was lovely.

I'm exactly the same, hate being the centre of attention. We just had a small ceremony at some gardens nearby and then a party with a band in a barn on our farm, no speeches, no first dance, don't care if people thought it was too casual it suited us perfectly. Hired a bus which ferried the guests to the ceremony (and us both on the way back), went there in my dads car. Worst part was walking down the 'aisle' but I just laughed my way through it.

Do what you want to do. There's no fun in dreading the occasion because you're not comfortable with bits of it.

We had a registry office affair with a meal in a restaurant after, meant no day guests/evening guests which is what I wanted to avoid, about 30 people in all, and they all said it was the best wedding they’d been to (the endless wine may have helped!) I say do what you want it’s your day! and congratulations on the engagement!

We only ever wanted a small wedding and planned to have 15 in total. Amazing foresight as it happens as the wedding took place, at the second attempt, in October. We had a lovely venue very special to us and they were licensed for weddings followed by a beautiful four course late lunch. Having a small number of guests we were able to push the boat out with the food and wine choices and also arrange gifts for our guests. Not exactly as originally planned but it was a very special day with all our closest people. Have the wedding that the two of you want OP.

I had the choice taken away from me this year with my ‘big’ 100 person wedding being reduced to a 12-person 10 minute ceremony at the register office. I don’t regret it for a second and we’ve saved enough for a house deposit instead of all the money we would have spent on our wedding!

And personally I wouldn’t put off a wedding to lose weight, that just sounds like a recipe for misery and self-torture to me. Find an outfit that makes you feel fab as you are now and just go for it! Putting life on hold until you lose weight is rarely worth it!

I’m not sure you’d regret either. I wanted a very small, simple wedding for the same reasons as you. I was very nervous about having lots of people looking at me during the walk, vows and first dance. DH family is Nigerian and they tend to have very big weddings though.

In the end we compromised and had what I think is still a big wedding (100 people) but not quite as huge as it could have been. It was an amazing day and I wouldn’t have changed anything about it. I think having 100 people looking at you is far less terrifying when it’s people that you know and love.

We had a very small intimate wedding abroad on a beach. It was magical. No fuss, no speeches, no big entrance. It was beautiful.

@Drivingthroughfords

Thank you all!

I just love the idea of having no stress on the day and going for a lovely meal afterwards, then "eloping" straight away to a nice cabin in the forest or something. The party would be on a separate day so I could then don a dress and let everyone eat, drink and have fun without all the formalities that make me feel nervous!

This is a lovely idea and if it's what you love you should do it. No compromising!

I am very introverted but felt I should have a big wedding as I thought it was sort of the done thing. I had an absolutely lovely day. It was wonderful seeing so many people from so many parts of our lifes gathered together to celebrate with us. However, I still wake up in a cold sweat having flashbacks about the first dance!!! If I had my time again I would probably give more consideration to something smaller and more intimate.

Have the wedding that you want to have! We had a small wedding at a beautiful country house. The venue is usually used for bigger weddings but they catered for smaller weddings if you booked a mid week date. We had 20 guests (15 adults and 5 children). We just had a daytime wedding - ceremony followed by a meal at the venue. The whole thing finished late afternoon and then me and DH left for a night in a lovely local hotel. It was perfect and I don’t regret not having the whole big wedding. We didn’t even have a party at a later date so no stress at all!

@Drivingthroughfords

For those that had a small wedding, what did you do? Was it in a registry office or a private venue? Did you go out for dinner afterwards?

Went to a registry office with 6 people invited. Then went to a small venue but with more people invited (around 40) and we said personal vows followed by a catered BBQ. Almost zero wedding traditions such as bridesmaids, best man speech, etc. It was all very relaxed.

Get married quickly! Covid is the perfect excuse and then you can have a party later.
And OP- he wants to marry you - put something on that's lovely and flattering and quit worrying about your size. A good photographer is all that's needed.
And congratulations!

Don't wait, live life as you are and lose weight or not as you go. Absolutely do the wedding you want. Resist pressure from expectation and go small! I always liked the sound of Kate Winslet getting married and having bangers and mash with friends and family in a room above the local pub <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.oxfordmail.co.uk/news/6637642.bangers-and-mash-on-kates-big-day/%23:~:text%3DTitanic%2520star%2520Kate%2520Winslet%2520held,actress%27s%2520home%2520town%2520of%2520Reading.&ved=2ahUKEwiYuond8u7tAhV4ahUIHWVDCTUQFjABegQIAxAE&usg=AOvVaw2fWnTcnDPvsQhE5YsN-W-t" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.oxfordmail.co.uk/news/6637642.bangers-and-mash-on-kates-big-day/%23:~:text%3DTitanic%2520star%2520Kate%2520Winslet%2520held,actress%27s%2520home%2520town%2520of%2520Reading.&ved=2ahUKEwiYuond8u7tAhV4ahUIHWVDCTUQFjABegQIAxAE&usg=AOvVaw2fWnTcnDPvsQhE5YsN-W-t

I think the vote result pretty much tells you that yanbu - I had a small wedding and loved it. I do think that you need to 'own ' it though, don't apologise for not having a big do and just enjoy your day!

I had a registry office wedding and a BBQ at the village hall. It was an ace day, so relaxed and fun. Quite a few friends said afterwards how much they enjoyed just having a few drinks and catching up with each other. We wanted to celebrate but without all the pomp and ceremony. We did everything ourselves and on the day friends and family just naturally pitched in to keep drinks and food flowing which was lovely.

2 of us in New York with photographer as witness and fab photos on Brooklyn bridge after. Took parents/siblings/grandparents out for slap up lunch when we got back and had a party in a bar for friends months later. I could not have done a big wedding - and only did the party as my husband wanted to celebrate with friends, I could happily have skipped it!! Enjoy whatever you decide! X

We had a small wedding and it was great! Don't regret it at all (to be honest, now that I'm 10 years further down the line, with 2 kids, I rarely even think about our wedding day). Just do what you'll enjoy and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

I had a small wedding (I hate being the centre of attention and it was a choice of having a few family as guests or loads of cousins etc.). I was supposed to be pregnant too, but DD arrived early (so it was a bit hit and miss whether we'd even be out of hospital).

We went to a licensed venue (Roman Baths in Bath), then had a genuine wedding breakfast at the Pump room (as we needed an early wedding before the place opened to tourists). We went home for a bit then a friend did us a posh lunch in his restaurant on a big round table so we could all chat.

Yes, we did put a few noses out of joint, but it worked for us.

Another small wedding I went to was a second marriage at Gretna Green and everybody decamped to a castle for dinner and an overnight stay. Again, it was beautifully intimate.

We'll be having a tiny wedding. Do what feels right for you both.