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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL meant this to be rude?

67 replies

Orphlids · 27/12/2020 13:18

When I gave birth to my baby not long ago, my DP put an announcement on Facebook. His sister commented under the post, “Congratulations, David.”

I said to DP that she has intentionally neglected to congratulate me, or acknowledge me in any way, as a way of showing her dislike for me. DP says her message is perfectly fine and contains no hidden meaning.

So as not to drip feed, his sister has spoken to him in the past of her dislike for me, and I have not seen her in about seven years, because I didn’t enjoy her rudeness towards me. Also, just to clarify, I am not upset about the message (I have had a good giggle about it), nor do I think it is an important matter; I simply wonder if other, more objective people would think she meant to be rude, or if it could simply be an oversight on her part. I suppose I’m hoping you’ll all agree with me so I can show the result to DP and say, “SEE?!” Grin

YABU - she didn’t mean to be rude by only congratulating him.
YANBU - she intentionally only congratulated him to be rude.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 27/12/2020 13:20

This is the sort of passive aggressive shit me and my SIL do to each other 😂 We hate one another but pretend we don't just to keep the peace so the chance of any little dig is always taken. Yes it's immature but I can't tell her I hate her for the sake of the family and it makes me feel better 😁

Oreservoir · 27/12/2020 13:22

Totally deliberate unless your sil is really emotionally thick.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/12/2020 13:27

Even though you've not seen her for seven years, it is extremely rude and weird that she would congratulate only one half of a couple on the birth of their baby! IMO.

Janaih · 27/12/2020 13:29

If you've not seen her for about 7 years she's probably convinced herself you don't exist.
Hard to argue its not rude though. Your DH seems a bit spineless.

rogueantimatter · 27/12/2020 13:33

Congratulations from an anonymous mumsnetter to you both. I hope things are going well for you and your baby.

From what you say, it sounds like she could be being crafty as there's no way of saying for certain that she meant to exclude you as it was your partner who made the post. But you can take satisfaction in knowing that other people who also think about these things and notice little details will read into her message what she's not saying.

If it's any consolation, I messaged my SIL to apologise for not talking on the phone on Christmas day when she phoned to ask if the gift she had sent ages ago and had a hassle with it had arrived. I messaged even though her bro chatted for a bit then told her he had to go because our dinner was about to be served. My message thanked her in advance and I referenced the thoughtful nature of the gift - she told DH what it's going to be. She replied explaining why it's a good gift and made no mention of the present I sent her. She never thanks us for the presents I spend ages thinking about and I have noted this 😆

slipperywhensparticus · 27/12/2020 13:34

Just reply thanks he did such a great job giving birth

CC12939 · 27/12/2020 13:34

Tricky but I wouldn't work myself up about any hidden messages if any.
It's like when my in laws posted about my children being born on Facebook and only their friends commented congratulating them. I took no offence despite them not having actually done the hard work 🤣

DecemberDiana · 27/12/2020 13:35

Well it is really unusual not to congratulate the mother! So from that I'd assume it was either totally deliberate or an automatic reaction from someone who has become mentally very adept at ignoring the mother!

It's accurate enough to say how very unusual and downright weird even if you can't be sure it is designed to send a message.

ladygracie · 27/12/2020 13:36

@rogueantimatter Do you mean that your SIL explained why the gift she bought you was a great gift??? That’s very odd!!
I have a friend who never says thank you for gifts either. It’s puzzling.

ladygracie · 27/12/2020 13:37

Oh yes and OP - it is odd not to congratulate both of you!

mySILisawful · 27/12/2020 13:38

@Orphlids that was rude and she probably meant it. I get why you're pissed off. I would be too. I've said this before on here but my SIL got her friend to make us a card and on the front it said "congratulations on the birth of MY nephew"
Not our son. Nope. Her nephew.
Continue to not see her.

Whiskeylover45 · 27/12/2020 13:40

Nah it was a dig with your history. I have a sil like yours, coming up to two years since I last saw her or spoke to her. No loss at all. But you don't congratulate one half of the parents, and not the one who actually did the work. She's sounds rather dense if I'm honest. A simple congratulations with no names would have covered all polite bases. Congratulations to you both anyway,

VainAbigail · 27/12/2020 13:41

nor do I think it is an important matter

And yet you’ve had “a good giggle about it” (which is twee as fuck) and you’ve posted about it on the internet.

If it’s not an “important matter” then drop it and stop trying to prove something to your partner.

Petitmum · 27/12/2020 13:45

It depends..............
If your DP posted in the singular ie this is my new dc I don't see her reply as rude or PA. If he posted this is "our" dc then her reply is rude and PA.

Nanasplit · 27/12/2020 13:45

Definitely YANBU. Your DP seems to want to keep his head in the sand about his sister's rudeness!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/12/2020 13:48

@slipperywhensparticus

Just reply thanks he did such a great job giving birth
This. Make a 'joke' out of it. See her passive aggression and raise her. I suspect you will only win the battle, and not the war, but it might make you feel a bit better. I personally wouldn't be able to 'rise above it' without seething. It also highlights her attitude to other people, which may be a good thing.
Nanasplit · 27/12/2020 13:49

I would be the bigger person and not retaliate on SM.

Foghead · 27/12/2020 13:50

Ah yes. Completely intentional and an underlying message of her feelings towards you is definitely there.

Nottherealslimshady · 27/12/2020 13:53

DHs ex girlfriend, who I referred to as "stalker" used to do this. Even on MY posts that I'd tagged him in. He tried to deny it initially but then it just got ridiculous and he conceded.

Its extra effort to name someone, "Congratulations" would have been perfectly normal, to go to extra effort to name him is deliberately excluding you.

TrialOfStyle · 27/12/2020 13:56

@slipperywhensparticus

Just reply thanks he did such a great job giving birth
Please do this Grin
Bluntness100 · 27/12/2020 13:56

I think as he made the post, she was responding specifically to him. So it could just be a comment.

Does it matter though? You don’t like each other. Why get all focused on petty shit.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 27/12/2020 13:56

It might have been because it was on his page. Also sometimes if you're replying to a post now it automatically adds the name of the person you're responding to.

Bluntness100 · 27/12/2020 13:58

@TheCrowsHaveEyes

It might have been because it was on his page. Also sometimes if you're replying to a post now it automatically adds the name of the person you're responding to.
Agree.
GhostCurry · 27/12/2020 13:58

@slipperywhensparticus

Just reply thanks he did such a great job giving birth
Perfect Grin
merrymouse · 27/12/2020 14:04

I have not seen her in about seven years, because I didn’t enjoy her rudeness towards me.

Yes, it sounds as though the exclusion was deliberate. You don't need to decode her message to understand that. The obvious clue is the lack of contact for 7 years.