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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About daughters boyfriend staying over?

72 replies

bellylaughs · 27/12/2020 03:57

DD is 18, she’s had a boyfriend since March. We’ve met him many times, he’s come for dinner etc. However he lives quite far away. He has to get home via public transport and this can take up to 2 hours so naturally he has stayed over (up to know on sofa bed downstairs)

Now DD is asking if next time he stays he can stay in her room. I think it’s fine but DH is way more old fashioned and thinks that he should carry on using the sofa bed. He and I are arguing about this every time it comes up.

Luckily with lockdown the situation hasn’t arisen yet but I’m dreading the next time it’s a possibility. DD is basically saying she’ll just stay at his if we don’t allow it. And as she’s at uni that would mean most if the holidays at his.

How do we decide which one of us (me or DH) gets to make this call? And AIBU to think he is being ridiculously old fashioned? Of the two close friends I’ve talked to about this, one thinks I should respect DHs boundaries and the other thinks it’s old fashioned nonsense!

OP posts:

Sinful8 · 27/12/2020 04:01

Shes 18 you can push this but you'll lose.

NovemberR · 27/12/2020 04:04

She's an adult. I'm not particularly cool as a Mum - but you've met her bf many times, he's stayed in your home and they have been together some time. It sounds a committed relationship.

DH is being ridiculously old fashioned. I agree with you that she'll just stop coming home at all if she is treated like a child in this manner.

Mintjulia · 27/12/2020 04:18

You need to explain to your DH that if he refuses to accept she is an adult and can choose her own relationships, then she'll leave and he'll damage their relationship.

It can be a difficult step for a dad but she's at university, she already has a sexual relationship, he has to accept that she's a grown-up.

PineconeOfDoom · 27/12/2020 04:19

She’s a young adult in a proper relationship. Refusing to allow them to sleep together is a bit farcical isn’t it? My mother was equally as ridiculous in a very similar situation and it did some damage to our relationship that never really recovered. Basically I felt that she wasn’t recognising that I had grown up and needed some autonomy about my personal life - from my pov it really wasn’t a good feeling.

Original poster

bellylaughs · 27/12/2020 04:19

The question is how do I get him to see this. We just go round in circles every time we discuss it. He even acknowledged the fact they stayed in our house when we were away but says it’s different when we’re here because that’s rubbing his nose in it!?!

OP posts:

PlainHonesty · 27/12/2020 04:27

Perhaps ask him exactly how they're rubbing his nose in it. And how old was your husband when he started having sex with someone? Just try to get him to understand that it's natural and perfectly normal.

Mintjulia · 27/12/2020 04:31

Rubbing his nose in what?

Does he want his daughter to be a lonely isolated spinster just so he can indulge his old fashioned views on what a woman should be? Does he expect her to be a virgin when she marries? Would he rather they have sex in a car round the back of the community centre before coming home to bed? Why does he think that is better for his daughter?

Perhaps ask him how he wants them to behave and when her expressing her sexuality will be ok with him? 25?, 30? 50? Try to help him see how ridiculous he is being.

My dad tried the 'you'll do as I say while you're under my roof' act. All five of his daughters left and never went back. When he died 30 years later, three of us were still estranged. It really isn't worth it and can be the root cause of so much unhappiness.

CharitySchmarity · 27/12/2020 11:16

she already has a sexual relationship

We don't actually know it is sexual (although it sounds as if it either is or she would like it to be).

I'd allow it, but I don't know how you persuade DH. This hasn't come up for us yet.

nosswith · 27/12/2020 11:27

Have you had a conversation about respect from the boyfriend, about contraception and not being pressurised into sexual things your DD feels uncomfortable about? That's the most important thing.

Siw2020 · 27/12/2020 11:38

@nosswith

Have you had a conversation about respect from the boyfriend, about contraception and not being pressurised into sexual things your DD feels uncomfortable about? That's the most important thing.

This.

I think its a tricky one.
I respect the type of parents that don't allow this under their roof. I also respect the type that don't get involved and leave it down to their kids.
It really is your call. If he is half-decent, it wouldn't matter either way.

I was a few years older (21) when I had my first serious partner stay at my parents house (still together today), he slept in my sibling's room (who was away). Yet at university and at his parents place, we shared a bed. Fastforward a couple of years, my parents replaced my single bed with a double....... very out of character. DP started to sleep in the same room at ours too.

We just respected their wishes. At the end of the day, nothing frisky would ever happen when at either parents' homes. Of course everyone is different, but I don't think either of us would be remotely comfortable with that.

Its just nice to be able to watch a film together/ cuddle up in bed falling asleep.

I'd probably allow it and probably this is how i'd explain to your DH. Its not like they have no other place to be alone (as shes at university) so it likely just is to be close to another rather than anything else.

Just give her the talk about safety etc then leave it down to her.
I have a particular friend who was allowed to have sleepovers with boys at 13(!!). Needless to say, she had multiple pregnancies and abortions before having her first at 16/17. This laid-back style of parenting worked for her older sisters though. I guess every child is so different.

Original poster

bellylaughs · 27/12/2020 11:59

@nosswith

Have you had a conversation about respect from the boyfriend, about contraception and not being pressurised into sexual things your DD feels uncomfortable about? That's the most important thing.

Yes, she and I are very open about all that. I knew when they first started sleeping together, contraception discussed and organised etc. Which makes it even more infuriating that DH is old school. In 20 years together I don’t think we’ve had such a black and white disagreement about parenting. Most things are compromisable (if that’s a word!) but this feels more like his way or my way.

OP posts:

Belladonna12 · 27/12/2020 12:04

I think that your DH needs to realise that if he insists on this it will just mean she doesn't come home much. You say that he is old-fashioned. Does this mean that he didn't have sex before marriage or is it a rule that only applies to his daughter? If so he is being extremely sexist and hypocritical rather than old-fashioned and extremely unreasonable.

Belladonna12 · 27/12/2020 12:05

@nosswith

Have you had a conversation about respect from the boyfriend, about contraception and not being pressurised into sexual things your DD feels uncomfortable about? That's the most important thing.

If she is 18, that ship has sailed.

Motherchicken · 27/12/2020 12:07

Unpopular opinion alert!
No you shouldn’t let him stay in her room. My now husband never even saw my bedroom until the day I moved out and he helped me. It never did me any harm. Yes it was annoying but I was mature enough to understand my parents weren’t comfortable with it and I had to respect that.

Belladonna12 · 27/12/2020 12:10

@Motherchicken

Unpopular opinion alert! No you shouldn’t let him stay in her room. My now husband never even saw my bedroom until the day I moved out and he helped me. It never did me any harm. Yes it was annoying but I was mature enough to understand my parents weren’t comfortable with it and I had to respect that.

No one is suggesting that it will do the DD any harm. They are just agreeing that OP and her DH may see much less of her which OP probably doesn't want happen.

SoupDragon · 27/12/2020 12:15

If you had sex before you were married, I think it is somewhat hypocritical to try and police where your offspring have it.

"Not in my house" is an attitude I would expect to be dying out by now.

Motherchicken · 27/12/2020 12:22

@Belladonna12 I agree with OPs husband. He may be considered old fashioned but if he doesn’t feel comfortable with it, why should he allow it. Also If she chose to not come home as often because her parents asked the bf to sleep on the sofa I would argue that perhaps she isn’t mature enough to have the bf sleepover yet. I mean, how often would he be staying anyway for this to be the deciding factor of their relationship

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2020 12:41

Do you have other children? Is that what's informing his view?

And if he's uncomfortable in his own home about it, then he's uncomfortable.

Will one night of abstinence kill them?

Lookslikerainted · 27/12/2020 12:41

Can you, your husband and daughter sit down and openly speak about it? He can explain his side and she can explain hers. She is an adult I think she should be involved in the decision, not one just made for her.

SoupDragon · 27/12/2020 12:51

but if he doesn’t feel comfortable with it, why should he allow it

Why should only his opinion count?

TottiePlantagenet · 27/12/2020 12:53

Does your DH want your daughter to spend her time at the boyfriend's, rather than at home? Does he fully accept that that will be the likely outcome if the BF will not be allowed to sleep in your daughter's bedroom? Is he OK with that scenario, with losing the time with her?

For me, that's the bigger picture (not where the BF sleeps or what they get up to in the bedroom). Either you get to have the time with her in your home (inc. stay-over BF) or she will choose to spend her time at BF's and you will lose this opportunity to have her at home.

As she is already at university and growing up, probably the university holidays in the next few years will be the last chances to have her home before she fully flies the nest and not return.

I know that in that situation, I would savour any time my children would choose to stay with me, before they're all grown up.

Original poster

bellylaughs · 27/12/2020 13:01

@SoupDragon

but if he doesn’t feel comfortable with it, why should he allow it

Why should only his opinion count?

This is the debate in a nutshell. Why does only his opinion count but on the other hand why would only my opinion count.

I also agree slightly with the PP who said that DD is showing a bit of immaturity here. She’s usually very laid back and mature but the ferocity of her feelings for this boyfriend has surprised me.

Although on the other hand, it’s not just about one night but the next few years. So perhaps that’s why she sees it as such an important stance to take.

OP posts:

VodselForDinner · 27/12/2020 13:07

Would your husband feel the same if it was your 18 year old son who wanted a girlfriend to stay over?

SoupDragon · 27/12/2020 13:18

At what point would he stop being "uncomfortable" with it? Maybe that is the starting point.

I'm not convinced I would have been comfortable whilst they were at school but now they are living independently at university it seems different.

It didn't become an issue for me to consider until DSs were at Uni anyway

JaneExotic · 27/12/2020 13:18

To be honest, in my marriage a ‘no’ overrules a ‘yes’.
It’s rare we disagree but if one of us feels strongly enough about something to say ‘no’ then we go with that.
It’s never very one-sided so I suppose that helps - it could be very controlling if it was.

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