Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

About daughters boyfriend staying over?

72 replies

bellylaughs · 27/12/2020 03:57

DD is 18, she’s had a boyfriend since March. We’ve met him many times, he’s come for dinner etc. However he lives quite far away. He has to get home via public transport and this can take up to 2 hours so naturally he has stayed over (up to know on sofa bed downstairs)

Now DD is asking if next time he stays he can stay in her room. I think it’s fine but DH is way more old fashioned and thinks that he should carry on using the sofa bed. He and I are arguing about this every time it comes up.

Luckily with lockdown the situation hasn’t arisen yet but I’m dreading the next time it’s a possibility. DD is basically saying she’ll just stay at his if we don’t allow it. And as she’s at uni that would mean most if the holidays at his.

How do we decide which one of us (me or DH) gets to make this call? And AIBU to think he is being ridiculously old fashioned? Of the two close friends I’ve talked to about this, one thinks I should respect DHs boundaries and the other thinks it’s old fashioned nonsense!

OP posts:

blueleonburger · 27/12/2020 14:27

Aaaahh I can see both sides. My Dad did this to me when I had my then bf (now DH) over and he made him sleep in the guest bedroom. Even when we were engaged he made us sleep in separate rooms! I thought at the time it was nonsense because he knew when we were at uni we lived together and slept in the room but he was like “my house my rules” lol. But I didn’t mind because at the end of the day I love my dad and respected him. And now looking back I’m glad I got to enjoy a few more years with my own bed!

But at the same time if I were the parent and it were my daughter I’d probably be relaxed and let them sleep in the same room together. If they aren’t doing it at your house they’ll just do it somewhere else imho.

Maybe have a good heart to heart with your DH and try to find where the uncomfortableness of it all comes from? Then unpick those issues from there? At the end of the day though she’s an adult and can do what she likes. If he had an unmarried couple over for guests would he make them sleep separately? If not, then why his daughter?

movingonup20 · 27/12/2020 14:29

We let dd from 17 once she had been seeing her bf for 6 months. Yes you want to be protective but she's an adult

AmberItsACertainty · 27/12/2020 14:37

@Nottherealslimshady

"Rubbing his nose in it" is gross.

Ask him what exactly she would be rubbing his nose in. He needs to actually think about what it is that his problem is with. Because when he faces it then he may actually realised how unreasonable he is, because stuff like this tends to boil down the very basic "she's mine"

This.

If DH can't get past his old fashioned views then at 18 DD is old enough to move out, which was my initial thoughts on a solution to the problem. DD has obviously had the same thought hence her comments about staying at her boyfriend's parents house. I don't think it's her being immature. If they go to the same uni they're probably essentially living together there, why would they be ok with being split up in the holidays? If there's no solution then fine, but there is, they can stay at his parents. Whilst I don't agree with your DH values (I initially had sympathy for him feeling uncomfortable, but the comments about rubbing his nose in it seem sort of 'wrong' creepy), I also don't see why it's a problem if an 18yr old effectively moves out? DD is an adult so why can't you accept that as a solution? It's not about DH views versus your views though, because DD views count too. If the issue is you're going to miss her, can you ask DH to compromise for your sake, so you can have DD around a while longer?

InTheDrunkTank · 27/12/2020 14:37

It's not like she's inviting random men back to the house for wild one night stands while the rest of the family sleep on the other side of the wall. I really don't think there's a rational reason they can't share a bed like the presumably do while they're staying elsewhere. If DD has to behave like a child in your home it's natural she won't choose to stay there as much.

speakout · 27/12/2020 14:57

Well, they definitely feel the same way about you having sex. Are you saying that you haven’t had sex since the birth of your children? Or fo you feel that it’s okay for you to have sex in your own home but not your 18 year old in their home? If so, fairly hypocritical

It works both ways though- I don't think my kids would want to hear OH and I having sex either- even if they are old enough to be having their own sexual relationships.

noirchatsdeux · 27/12/2020 14:59

I had the same problem with my parents - and this was over 30 years ago!

My then boyfriend (ultimately my first husband) wasn't even allowed upstairs in our house, let alone in my bedroom...I wasn't allowed to stay out overnight with anyone, go on holiday etc. I was expected/forced to go to Mass every Sunday (my mother is a practising Catholic) until the day I moved out when I got married at 21. I was told that if I even considered living with my boyfriend before marriage they would disown me.

My parents separated while I was on a week's honeymoon. Came back and discovered they were complete and utter hypocrites - my mother had been living with, and was 3 months pregnant with my older brother when they got married....they met in the January and were married in the December. My father had also lied about his age, and was 5 years younger than my mother, and just 19 when they married.

My own marriage lasted less than 3 years, because I'd done it for all the wrong reasons. I wish I hadn't been so spineless and actually stood up to both of them. I've been completely NC with my father for 30 years and very low LC with my mother. It's the hypocrisy that I can't forgive.

noirchatsdeux · 27/12/2020 15:02

*my mother had been living with my father...

speakout · 27/12/2020 15:07

I admit to struggling with it all.
It's not to do with marriage- OH and I have been together happily unmarried for 25 years and two children.
It's just quite hard to move into territory of sexual behaviour with children/parents.

Lsquiggles · 27/12/2020 15:18

@OneEpisode

Could you start with the situation where dd is aged 30, married with 3 dc, and ask whether that family could share rooms? And work back in time... at what point is it ok to share in his opinion? After the honeymoon? After an engagement party? After they sign a lease on their home together?

^ this!

HollowTalk · 27/12/2020 15:32

I think once they've started uni or are 18 then it's fine as long as they are not just random encounters and as long as they are respectful towards each other. You will lose her otherwise.

User43210 · 27/12/2020 15:40

@SoupDragon

I'll also add, they had an opposite view to my brother, and he was allowed a couple of girlfriends to stay.

So, your dad's opinion was based on sexist nonsense?

Yep. And, as my point was, it didn't ruin our relationship.

Original poster

bellylaughs · 27/12/2020 15:48

So we’ve had a conversation about it, all three of us. No-ones opinion has changed. BUT...DH has kind of given up arguing and said it’s up to her what she does but he’s not happy about it

I just hope when it finally does happen that he doesn’t sulk or get moody. But that’s another whole thread

OP posts:

arevioletsreallyblue · 27/12/2020 15:48

OP your DD is not being immature about this at all. She is giving you a choice (let her boyfriend stay over in her bed or not) and making you aware that after you've made your choice she's going to make her own (whether to come home more or spend more time at bf's house).

She's not kicking and tantruming. Simply letting you know that your choices and actions affect her and then in turn she is free to make her own choices.

I did similar with my parents at uni. Not boy related but partying. My parents said as long as you live under my roof you come by home by 1 because they couldn't bring themselves to sleep until they knew I was home, despite me proving many times I could come home quietly not disturb anyone, and was fully capable of locking up the house myself, they just 'didn't like it'. But that was their choice to make. In turn I made my own choice and stayed in my uni house over much of the holidays so that I was free to have the social life I chose. I never threw a strop, but when they complained I didn't come home to see them enough I calmly explained why I chose to stay at uni more.

She's an adult, as long as her life isn't impeding on yours (e.g. actually disturbing you or sex you can hear) id say let her live her life, or she may well make her own choices and you'll be left seeing her less.

So what you and DH really need to decide is what is more important to you.

An0n0n0n · 27/12/2020 17:05

So in actual fact the resolution is that he has tried to make her feel so uncomfortable that she does what he wants. Nice emotional blackmail from DH. Let's hope her boyfriend doesn't try to control her the same way and she has the guts to do what she actually wants to do.

VodselForDinner · 27/12/2020 17:12

@bellylaughs

So we’ve had a conversation about it, all three of us. No-ones opinion has changed. BUT...DH has kind of given up arguing and said it’s up to her what she does but he’s not happy about it

I just hope when it finally does happen that he doesn’t sulk or get moody. But that’s another whole thread

That poor girl, what an embarrassing situation for her.

Can imagine she’ll opt to spend more of her uni breaks away from home.

Imapotato · 27/12/2020 17:15

She’s 18, your DH can’t treat her like a child. He can say he doesn’t want it under his roof, but with that attitude all he’ll do is push her away.

SoupDragon · 27/12/2020 17:16

Yep. And, as my point was, it didn't ruin our relationship.

He was still wrong which was my point.

My father never treated me differently to my brothers.

BibbityBobbityBellend · 27/12/2020 17:17

Sounds like my dad. He was so awkward and weird about me having a bf. He would never have let me stay over with him and probably wouldn't now, 14 years and a DC later. He used similar phrases as rubbing his nose in it. When I went to see him (I moved into my uni town permanently) he would get angry if DP phoned me. Basically he did everything he could to push DP away and they have no relationship which means my relationship with DF is affected. It's a slippery slope and I agree that it is odd knowing your daughter is having sex in another room but that's life. I think DF would rather i was a lonely spinster.

Holly60 · 27/12/2020 18:33

I think the key might be to really get him to see that if he puts his foot down on this, she will spend more time away from your home and any influence you have over her will diminish. He might not feel comfortable with it, but surely it is better that he makes a concession on this in order to retain overall influence. Loose the battle to win the war, as it were. If you try to explain it like that, maybe he will see the virtue in making this compromise. He obviously loves her and wants the best for her- play the longer game here and ensure that he knows what is going on in her life so that he can step in if something genuinely worrying comes up. Possibly also have a word with your daughter and try to explain why her dad is not allowing it - remind her that he is human too and finding the idea of his little girl growing up hard, but be honest and say you disagree with him and are trying to get him to compromise. This might buy you some time whilst you work on hubby

Vitaminsss · 27/12/2020 18:41

What’s even his reasoning? It’s like he’s jealous that she’s (shock horror!) having sex, or jealous that the boyfriend is having sex with his daughter, when he states “rubbing his nose in it” as justification. What does that even mean? He’s just trying to be controlling and make all the decisions in the house - it’s a power play.

DemolitionBarbie · 27/12/2020 19:08

My parents did this when I was a teen. We waited until everyone was asleep then crept into the spare room and crept back again at dawn.

We also did way more sexing in daytime when all the family were out and it was quiet than nighttime when my parents were sleeping a room away!

If was never spelled out that I shouldn't be having sex under their roof, only that we shouldn't share a bed overnight. I thought it was a dumb rule that disrespected my bodily autonomy and ignored the hormonal tsunami going on.

Belladonna12 · 27/12/2020 19:32

[quote Motherchicken]@Belladonna12 I agree with OPs husband. He may be considered old fashioned but if he doesn’t feel comfortable with it, why should he allow it. Also If she chose to not come home as often because her parents asked the bf to sleep on the sofa I would argue that perhaps she isn’t mature enough to have the bf sleepover yet. I mean, how often would he be staying anyway for this to be the deciding factor of their relationship[/quote]
It depends on whether he was a virgin before getting married. If he wasn't it is nothing to do with being old-fashioned and everything to do with just being sexist. In that situation he needs to stop being a sexist prat and get over it.
Why would choosing to stay at her boyfriend's house rather than her parents be a sign of immaturity? Even if it was, what do you expect OP to do about it? Her DD is an adult and can sleep where she wants to.

Flip

1 2 3