Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

About daughters boyfriend staying over?

72 replies

bellylaughs · 27/12/2020 03:57

DD is 18, she’s had a boyfriend since March. We’ve met him many times, he’s come for dinner etc. However he lives quite far away. He has to get home via public transport and this can take up to 2 hours so naturally he has stayed over (up to know on sofa bed downstairs)

Now DD is asking if next time he stays he can stay in her room. I think it’s fine but DH is way more old fashioned and thinks that he should carry on using the sofa bed. He and I are arguing about this every time it comes up.

Luckily with lockdown the situation hasn’t arisen yet but I’m dreading the next time it’s a possibility. DD is basically saying she’ll just stay at his if we don’t allow it. And as she’s at uni that would mean most if the holidays at his.

How do we decide which one of us (me or DH) gets to make this call? And AIBU to think he is being ridiculously old fashioned? Of the two close friends I’ve talked to about this, one thinks I should respect DHs boundaries and the other thinks it’s old fashioned nonsense!

OP posts:

Tenyearsgone · 27/12/2020 13:25

If your DD decides to stay at her boyfriends during holidays and you don't get to see her much, then that's down to your DHs attitude.

He has to decide what is more important to him.Seeing his DD as an adult or his old fashioned 'not under my roof' bollocks.

OneEpisode · 27/12/2020 13:25

Could you start with the situation where dd is aged 30, married with 3 dc, and ask whether that family could share rooms? And work back in time... at what point is it ok to share in his opinion?
After the honeymoon? After an engagement party? After they sign a lease on their home together?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/12/2020 13:29

My parents wouldn’t allow boyfriends to stay over. The result when I met DH at 19 was spending most of our time at his parents house and we had a closer relationship with them. I’m sure your DH wouldn’t want that.

My DD (19) has been allowed to have her boyfriend to stay but we wouldn’t allow randoms/ons

DrDreReturns · 27/12/2020 13:37

I know a friend wasn't allowed to share a bed with his girlfriend at his parents house but they were strict Catholics. Does your husband have strong religious convictions?

Heartlantern2 · 27/12/2020 13:39

She’s 18, tell him to grow up!

GreekOddess · 27/12/2020 13:45

I would allow him to stay in her room. I haven't had to consider this yet but my eldest is 16 so it's a matter of time. At 18 if they had been together for more than 6 months I would agree.

When I was 18 I had been with someone for 2 years and wasn't allowed to stay in his room. Fast forward a few years later and they realised they had been too strict with their son so the younger son was allowed to have one night stands stay over when he was a teen. I thought that was too much the other way. People don't want to be sharing the breakfast table with complete strangers!

WorrierorWarrior · 27/12/2020 13:58

DH and I never stayed at my parents' house ever. Once before we were married I stayed over at his parents' house and I was told to sleep in his sister's bed with her. After we were married we stayed another time at his parents' house and we were given his parents' bedroom. I would not even talk to DH in more than a whisper with his parents and sisters in the house. We respected our parents views. It was a fairly long time ago

User43210 · 27/12/2020 13:59

Just an alternative view, my dad would never have allowed this, even at 18. As it was his house and he didn't want his daughter having a guy in her bed under his roof with him next door. It hasn't irreparably damaged our relationship and I actually get on better with my dad nowadays. I can even understand why he felt that way (I could always see his point of view).

It would be very childish of your daughter to hold this against your husband forever. She needs to understand that her dad may not want her to have a boy in her bed when he's in the same house. She's still his little girl (old fashioned, I know, but my point is it's not likely to cause some issue for the rest of their lives! It's not a big drama)

Pukkatea · 27/12/2020 14:02

'Rubbing his nose in it'. How gross. How about he stops thinking about his daughter's sex life? It's not just old fashioned, it's creepy.

User43210 · 27/12/2020 14:03

I'll also add, they had an opposite view to my brother, and he was allowed a couple of girlfriends to stay.

The only boy I've had stay in my bed when I'm at home with my parents has been my now DH. I was mid-20s at the time and needed to stay with them for a short while. Even then, my dad felt uncomfortable for a long while and was happy when we moved out (together). If we were to visit now, he doesn't seem as bothered however it's a totally different dynamic now I'm married.

Vitaminsss · 27/12/2020 14:03

Your husband sounds controlling frankly. Who cares if they have sex?

If they’ve been together since March, chances are they’re slowly getting out of that honeymoon/hands all over phase, what if they just genuinely want to go to sleep?

Would your husband force a girlfriend to stay on the sofa if it was his son, not his daughter?

Nottherealslimshady · 27/12/2020 14:08

She's a full grown woman, she should be able to share a bed with her boyfriend.

It makes me uncomfortable to think of MIL and FIL having sex in the same house as us. Do I stop thinking about it or do I put them in separate bedrooms?

Surely she's old enough to know not to be screaming her head off if they do have sex, and they really probably wont want to with you sleeping close by.

And I dont think its very polite to make him sleep on a sofa bed in a communal area in a house he doesn't know well when there's a perfectly suitable bed in the privacy of his girlfriends room.

If you dont let her grow up, she'll just push you away, she's not your little girl to control anymore, she's a woman who can CHOOSE to visit you or not.

RickJames · 27/12/2020 14:10

I think it's creepy that he's so invested. Like he's getting umbrage about imaginary sexy times or something.

My mother attempted to complain that we allowed 15yr old step-daughter (so nowt to do with her) to stay in the same room as her 15yr old boyfriend. DSD's mum said it was fine, they stay over at her's. I found it so intrusive that she was obviously imagining them having sex - surely it's not a given, and if so, it's their private business.

Nottherealslimshady · 27/12/2020 14:14

"Rubbing his nose in it" is gross.

Ask him what exactly she would be rubbing his nose in. He needs to actually think about what it is that his problem is with. Because when he faces it then he may actually realised how unreasonable he is, because stuff like this tends to boil down the very basic "she's mine"

Vitaminsss · 27/12/2020 14:15

If your daughter has any sense, she will just stay over at his. With a 2 hour journey, neither of you will be seeing her much. And then she can move out for university and completely disown the both of you😂

SoupDragon · 27/12/2020 14:15

I'll also add, they had an opposite view to my brother, and he was allowed a couple of girlfriends to stay.

So, your dad's opinion was based on sexist nonsense?

Notthe9oclocknewsathon · 27/12/2020 14:16

@Mintjulia

Rubbing his nose in what?

Does he want his daughter to be a lonely isolated spinster just so he can indulge his old fashioned views on what a woman should be? Does he expect her to be a virgin when she marries? Would he rather they have sex in a car round the back of the community centre before coming home to bed? Why does he think that is better for his daughter?

Perhaps ask him how he wants them to behave and when her expressing her sexuality will be ok with him? 25?, 30? 50? Try to help him see how ridiculous he is being.

My dad tried the 'you'll do as I say while you're under my roof' act. All five of his daughters left and never went back. When he died 30 years later, three of us were still estranged. It really isn't worth it and can be the root cause of so much unhappiness.

Absolutely this. When will this end?

An0n0n0n · 27/12/2020 14:17

Its not about being "old school" it's about him pushing himself into his daughters sex life. He can't handle that this is one area of her life that is hers and he isn't involved in it.

Id talk to him one more time and explain that you see things differently, she is an adult and deserves a truthful and adult explanation and that you won't be presenting this as a joint decision to her.

He needs to realise this is about him and his discomfort and not putting her first.

TaraR2020 · 27/12/2020 14:18

I think there might be a different nub to this problem because it seems to me that your daughter, rightfully, wishes/needs to be accepted as a grown adult in her home and your husband is having difficulty accepting that she has grown up.

I also wonder if part of his issue stems from his feelings about her bf...Does he like him? If he dislikes him or thinks that he's not right for his daughter then this may explain his intransigence.

I do agree that parental wishes about what goes on in their home must be respected, but unless your husband's viewpoint comes from a religious belief that sex before marriage is wrong, I'm inclined to suggest that he's the one who needs to bend here.

That said, DD & her bf should respect that he's uncomfortable and refrain from PDAs and keep sex quiet.

If I'm right in suspecting that your DH is having trouble accepting her as adult, then she needs to prove she is. I'd suggest to her that she remains calm, polite and rational, while firm, during discussions and be prepared to accept compromises on both sides.

If your DH can feel respected by keeping the physical side of their relationship unseen while they stay and feels that his feelings and viewpoint has been fairly heard he may be prepared to relax a little.

If nothing else, your DD could consider it a lesson in the art of persuasion and negotiation.

Vitaminsss · 27/12/2020 14:18

Oh wait, she’s already at university!

Look, this is a key time of her life. The way you treat her now will be something she’ll remember forever. If you make her feel unwelcome and essentially infantise her, this will forever impact your relationship with her in the future. Don’t get me wrong, her disappointment will mainly be with her father but she’ll always wonder why you didn’t you have her back against her nasty dad.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 27/12/2020 14:19

I voted YANBU as in she is a young adult. But I probably wouldn't allow it 😂 couldn't bare the thought of what they would do. I'm not there yet thank God maybe I'll be more cool about it when mine get to that age.

speakout · 27/12/2020 14:19

I don't know, I would feel awkward if I heard my 18 yo daughter- or son having a shag. Not something that I want to hear.

An0n0n0n · 27/12/2020 14:19

And the chance of her wanting to have sex with her parents in the house is quite low. She just wants a cuddle with her boyfriend and occasional sex, like any healthy relationship. Why does he begrudge her that? How does he see sex and woken if he thinks it's so degrading. Man, I feel your frustration!

Vitaminsss · 27/12/2020 14:21

@speakout

I don't know, I would feel awkward if I heard my 18 yo daughter- or son having a shag. Not something that I want to hear.

Well, they definitely feel the same way about you having sex. Are you saying that you haven’t had sex since the birth of your children? Or fo you feel that it’s okay for you to have sex in your own home but not your 18 year old in their home? If so, fairly hypocritical

Veterinari · 27/12/2020 14:24

@bellylaughs

Don't think of it as your way or his way. It isn't it's about respecting your daughter's autonomy and the consequences of any decisions.

Ask your DH, why he feels so uncomfortable about his adult daughter having an adult relationship? And why woul he risk the consequences of her simply not coming home rather than respecting her right to an adult relationship.

It's not about who is right or wrong - it's about respecting your daughter's choices and understanding the consequences of the decisions you make. Ask him if he's really so set on them not sharing a room that he's willing to disregard yours and your DD's feelings and risk her not coming home in the holidays? If he is willing to risk that, I'd be asking why policing his daughter's decline is so important to him?

I can see why your DD is not backing down on this. She isn't a chattel, but your DH is treating her as such

Flip

1 2 3