To wonder if counselling has become so 'woke' as to be meaningless to many people?

[timestablestimestwo]

I've had a couple of therapists lately, trying to work out some childhood stuff.

To make a very long story short my parents were very indiscreetly polygamous to the point of there being no boundaries and us kids walking in on sex acts.

This left a lasting mark on me for various reasons - and perhaps not the most immediate ones people might think of - but in deeper ways.

I've seen two therapists and both of them have seemed to... kind of judge me for being affected by this.

I'm at a loss now because it still affects me but I don't know where else to take this?

I'm sorry for the Christmas Eve post but Christmas is always the shittiest time of year for this stuff for me.

I can’t believe they judged you for being affected by that!

Exposing children to sexual acts is abuse.

That doesn't sound at all like any therapist I've seen. You need to find one who is properly acredited though.

Where did you find them? The counselors?

No I would say this is not the case at all. Sounds like you had some shitty therapists. Were they proper ones who are registered with a professional body with good reviews? Because lots of people can do a little online course and call themselves a 'therapist' but not all are properly trained with proper supervision and ongoing training.

On one hand, a good therapist would not make judgements on your behalf. They'd want you to work out how you feel about your own lived experience. But at the same time, it would be unusual and unprofessional to offer personal opinions about something like that.

It certainly hasn't been my experience discussing similar issues with my therapist.

I'm sorry this happened to you, this is abusive. Any decent counsellor wouldn't judge you for this, or any trauma you have experienced- try and find someone who works with trauma or sexual abuse survivors.

I'm a trainee counsellor and I'm sorry that was your experience, the BACP/NCS or Mind are good starting places for finding a counsellor. You should never feel 'judged' by a counsellor, they are there to walk with you and listen to you and help you make sense of issues and find healing whilst having unconditional positive regard for you.

My therapist was amazing.

Look for another.

Thanks for responses. To be fair there is probably a huge amount of sensitivity on my part...one of them I began to raise it with when discussing the Louis Theroux documentary about polygamy. I suppose I used it as a way to discuss my own experiences, the therapist basically said 'well I was sceptical myself but by the end of the episode I got it'

And I felt like there was no point at which I could say...I lived that as a child. And I don't get it.

The other I felt just judged me for not being an all round liberal.

I accept it's so much in my head, though, as it's my personal experience.

I do know that both are very pro Black Lives Matter which I think is a positive thing generally in terms of empathising outside of their own experience. But I think it pissed me off then that children of polygamists don't matter? We are not a trendy cause to champion I guess.

That position is not standard or based on any formal training. Always shop around. Lots of people with minimal "training" can legally call themselves a counsellor. Amongst those who are properly trained there will also people people who've gone rogue. It's hard to get counselling on the NHS but the NHS does help somewhat to maintain good practice if you can get it. If you can't your local services might be able to steer you towards appropriately qualified liw cost private therapists i.e produce you with info on how to vet a counsellor's qualifications to do the job you want.

If that was all you said, I don't think you have given him/her a chance. I'm not sure how professional it was for them to share their thoughts without really hearing why you were bringing it up.

The other one should not have made you feel that way.

So for e.g. when talking to one about the sexism I experienced in my family I was told 'look, it's much worse in Asian families' where actually they had no idea how badly at that point how the sexism in my family had affected me (it resulted in me being sexually abused).

I had a counsellor judge me for not being able to get over teenage rape

That really hurt me

They sound awful.

I have been to the same counsellor on and off for 8 years. I have no idea what her political leanings are, or anything at all about her personally. Because I’m there to talk about me. If I felt judged by her I would tell her and we would discuss it.

I think you need to find a better counsellor. Can you ask your GP or anyone you know for a recommendation?

You have a history of child abuse. No one should be making you feel judged for talking about how it has affected you

How do you know your counsellors are 'very pro BLM'? I've seen several in my life and none of them have ever mentioned their political views, nor would I think it appropriate for them to do so.

Are they proper accredited therapists? This all sounds quite dodgy tbh.

Iwonder777 - I'm sorry you had a bad experience as well, harming a child/teen is never okay and you might need a supportive counsellor to hear your feelings about that, for example its totally fine to be angry because it was unacceptable, you might need a counsellor to help with some inner child healing, I hope you found a better counsellor.

That sounds really bizarre and it's not at all ok. Without being harsh, could it be that you read it wrong or were perhaps looking for a certain reaction that you didn't get?

Also agree with PP about therapists never being politically vocal.

I think it's important to seek a proper psychotherapist rather than a counsellor

@psychomath

How do you know your counsellors are 'very pro BLM'? I've seen several in my life and none of them have ever mentioned their political views, nor would I think it appropriate for them to do so.

Are they proper accredited therapists? This all sounds quite dodgy tbh.

Good question. Partly because of a couple of things that have been said in sessions and also because the counselling service they work for pronounces black live matter on their website and social media (as well as having links to various lobby groups; stonewall, mermaids and others)

In my experience counselling has worked when I have been very open from the start about the issues I want to discuss eg disclosing the childhood trauma that I felt was the root of my poor mental health. I tried 4 therapists over a 5 year period before (a) I found the right one and (b) I was ready.

For what it’s worth, I think polyamory is ok if it’s done in a considered and compassionate way. Living in such a way that no care is taken so children witness sexual activity is child abuse and not connected to the polyamory in and of itself. Child abuse happens in all sorts of situations (unfortunately). So IMO someone saying they ‘get’ polyamory isn’t a judgment on your experience of child abuse and trauma within that environment.

I hope you find the right counsellor soon, don’t give up

This all sounds like a very odd, unprofessional set up. Lots of companies have statements of support on their websites for BLM I don't know why you'd infer that all the counsellors that work for them are super left wing or really into BLM. It seems odd that you're having discussions about politics and personal views during your sessions anyway.

So in my counselling I do a mixture of Person centred counselling, Psychotherapy and if its helpful CBT/REBT - its known as a pluralistic/ or an Integrative model because not all models will suit everyone/every problem.

Thank you for all responses.

Luzina that is a beautiful post and one that encapsulates it all for me - if people can manage to put their children first before their sexual practices then things can be safe. If not, there should be room to discuss that.

Imnot I don't disagree that it's good to promote BLM but I think I felt to be told in a therapy session 'Asian people have it much worse' felt...not like therapy, to me. And then I'm left to wondering where do I go as a white kid who was sexually abused?

They don't sound like very good therapists AT ALL.

Practically lesson one in counselling is that you don't share personal opinions (because it's not about you) and you definitely never judge!

'Asian people have it much worse'
This really isn't anything any professional counsellor would say. It has nothing to do with what you were discussion and actually could be construed as a bit racist.

If this really happened then you've just found the most unprofessional therapist in the world. It has nothing to do with being 'woke' and everything to do with being untrained, unprofessional and just a bit thick.

@IMNOTSHOUTING

'Asian people have it much worse' This really isn't anything any professional counsellor would say. It has nothing to do with what you were discussion and actually could be construed as a bit racist.

If this really happened then you've just found the most unprofessional therapist in the world. It has nothing to do with being 'woke' and everything to do with being untrained, unprofessional and just a bit thick.

Thank you, I was paraphrasing from what was actually said (word for word as I wrote it down after the session) which was: "look, it's much worse in Asian families" in response to me having raised how my (older) male siblings were always taught to dominate me in my family.