To wonder if counselling has become so 'woke' as to be meaningless to many people?

[timestablestimestwo]

I've had a couple of therapists lately, trying to work out some childhood stuff.

To make a very long story short my parents were very indiscreetly polygamous to the point of there being no boundaries and us kids walking in on sex acts.

This left a lasting mark on me for various reasons - and perhaps not the most immediate ones people might think of - but in deeper ways.

I've seen two therapists and both of them have seemed to... kind of judge me for being affected by this.

I'm at a loss now because it still affects me but I don't know where else to take this?

I'm sorry for the Christmas Eve post but Christmas is always the shittiest time of year for this stuff for me.

I'm while female.

Therapist who said that was white male.

I don't know what cultural contexts outside of my own were being referenced in discussion to my childhood family experiences. I don't dismiss the experiences of Asian people but I expected the therapy I paid for to be about me.

But how would it be relevant to say sexism happens more in Asian families when you're talking about your personal experience. It's random, not at all relevant and invoking racist stereotypes. No professional therapist would come out with anything like this.

If this really happened then I'd have just never gone back and looked for a trained, certified therapist.

@IMNOTSHOUTING

But how would it be relevant to say sexism happens more in Asian families when you're talking about your personal experience. It's random, not at all relevant and invoking racist stereotypes. No professional therapist would come out with anything like this.

If this really happened then I'd have just never gone back and looked for a trained, certified therapist.

I don't know.

I just know that when I tried to talk about sexism with this first one I was told it was 'worse' in 'Asian families'.

So I left.

Then when I got up the courage to see the next one I initiated a conversation about polygamy and that Louis Theroux documentary as I had already learned that approaching things from an experience of sexism might not fly

The therapists sound very unprofessional and lacking in the skills required for such a role. I would chalk it down to bad luck and look elsewhere.

I once had a trainee counsellor offer me her boyfriend's voodoo skills on the side. She's made this offer all over town. If you're not convinced move on, some are dreadful.

Then when I got up the courage to see the next one I initiated a conversation about polygamy and that Louis Theroux documentary as I had already learned that approaching things from an experience of sexism might not fly

I don't think that's the case at all - more that you found an utterly wierd and unprofessional therapist. I've seen two different therapist and know a few personally and absolutely none of them would have come out with things like that or broached personal opinions at all.

I struggled in therapy because many therapists won't make a judgement. I guess they don't want to push you to adopt a specific outlook on things. I think this can be quite unhelpful to abuse survivors.

After years of minimisation by my family, being called "oversensitive" and "ridiculous", I really needed to be told "no, that's not normal. No, that's not okay". Because if a therapist stayed silent, or made a neutral comment, I didn't hear neutrality, I heard the internal self-critical monologue: "Oh, they're staying politely silent so that means they agree with my parents, they think I'm making a big deal about nothing". It's especially worsened as it's difficult to explain long term abuse all in one go, so any individual incident doesn't sound that bad.

I think it takes a very perceptive and brave therapist to get this right.

@timestablestimestwo what you need is a therapist who deals in complex trauma especially child abuse. I have found my therapist a God send. I can recommend the organisation he works for but they are based on Bath area?

In not on

These sound like dreadful “therapists” - sadly, as PPs have said, anyone can get a diploma off the internet or do a short course and then set themselves up as a counsellor. I know people who’ve done it and - lovely as they are as a friend - it’s the last set up I’d want for therapy. Another friend is a fully qualified clinical therapist and the amount of training she had to go through was light years away from the FB Diploma end of things, not least because she had to make sure she wasn’t bringing any of her own issues etc to the table. Sadly, I think some of those who go into counselling would be better off having some themselves.

Don’t give up, could you ask your GP for some pointers as to where to find a properly trained therapist?

There are a lot of charlatan therapists out there, whose qualifications actually count for very little. If you want a good service, make sure you go to a reputable person. HCPC accredited Clinical psychologist for example.

Then when I got up the courage to see the next one I initiated a conversation about polygamy and that Louis Theroux documentary as I had already learned that approaching things from an experience of sexism might not fly

You've had two poor experiences, there's no question about that. But you seem to be making this into a 'woke' issue when it's not. You want to talk about your experiences - because they are what affect you - that's nothing to do with sexism, or a Louis Theroux documentary, as they are not about you.

Sometimes when we have difficult experiences we try to deal with them by theorising, by presenting things in the third person. Is that what is happening here? If the counsellor does not specialise in trauma they may not be aware of this coping mechanism, hence the responses not being appropriate to your own situation.

@Thinkingg

I struggled in therapy because many therapists won't make a judgement. I guess they don't want to push you to adopt a specific outlook on things. I think this can be quite unhelpful to abuse survivors.

After years of minimisation by my family, being called "oversensitive" and "ridiculous", I really needed to be told "no, that's not normal. No, that's not okay". Because if a therapist stayed silent, or made a neutral comment, I didn't hear neutrality, I heard the internal self-critical monologue: "Oh, they're staying politely silent so that means they agree with my parents, they think I'm making a big deal about nothing". It's especially worsened as it's difficult to explain long term abuse all in one go, so any individual incident doesn't sound that bad.

I think it takes a very perceptive and brave therapist to get this right.

This. It took me a few bad experiences before I found the right one. Because so many people can call themselves a counsellor these days. And also because it isn't a one size fits all, especially when dealing with childhood trauma, which tends to bed very specific help.

Need not bed

Your therapists sound whack! I went through half a dozen before I found ‘the one’. Like you I’m working through a chaotic (to say the least) childhood. Internal Family Systems (IFS) has really helped me. Good luck in your search, your fit is out there!

To give an example,

"Did you watch that documentary about polygamy?"
"I did, I wasn't sure I understood it at first but by the end it made more sense."

Not helpful to your situation, but appropriate in a general conversation about polygamy.

As opposed to,

"My parents had polygamous relationships that have affected me in many ways."

Which leads to a far more appropriate response, for instance,

"I'm sorry that has happened to you. Would you like to explore this in more detail?"

I am sorry you had this invalidating experience in therapy. Unfortunately there are some pretty poor therapists around. Set high standards and look for someone else. I am a therapist myself and have also been through a fair few therapists of my own. Look carefully at the qualifications they have and you can also ask them, even before a first appointment, how many years of training and experience they have had.

I guess though while polyamory was part of your damaging experience it would have still been abusive if your parents had exposed you to sex in a monogamous relationship - abuse is abuse. In saying that, it’s not at all unusual for someone to raise a topic generally to gauge a reaction before sharing their personal trauma - a good therapist will be aware of this and respond accordingly (ie nit sharing their personal view).

I’d look for another counsellor, look at their qualifications and ask to speak with them before you book a session. In that call ask them about their level of training (eg post graduate diploma, face to face training, supervised practice, personal therapy) and their experience since training. A good therapist will have that information publicly available and will be happy to talk it through with you free of charge before booking a full session.

By the way OP if you are fed up of therapists for now - this is a good book that might help you at least start to make sense of your experiences:
Overcoming childhood trauma by Helen Kennerley. I don't know if you are keen on self help books so my apologies if this is wide of the mark.

Where did you find these people? I've had a couple of crap therapists but this takes the biscuit. I. With a good one now and I can't imagine him saying anything like that. The whole structure of it just sounds very unprofessional. They shouldn't be offering their political viewpoints or any opinion on who 'has it worse.'

I've had good therapists and crap therapists.

the good ones were therapists who went to university at 18 and stayed in that line of work and the crap ones were the ones who had a complete career change in their 50's due to a divorce or some such life changing event and decided they wanted to be a therapist because their friends said they were "good listeners".

Also, it's much better if you can find a counsellor who specialises in your particular problem (not saying this is easy though)

Wow, your therapists sound awful! I was lucky that the first therapist I chose was amazing and helped me immensely in the year I saw her. She was supportive, validating, she challenged my wrong thinking and encouraged me to grow. I love that woman! Importantly, I don't know anything about her personal life. I don't know her marital status, I think she has one child, maybe more, that's all. She never pushed herself and her own views on me. Our relationship was completely professional (but warm and supportive at the same time).

I have a friend who has been to at least 5 different therapists, found through various routes, and they have all been appallingly unprofessional, including: minimising childhood sexual abuse, talking about their own family problems for the whole session and answering their phone during the session. So it's a real mixed bag.

Please try a new therapist, preferably one who specialises in sexual abuse. Ensure that the therapist is registered and has all the proper certifications, not just a 4 week 'counselling' qualification.

I'm guessing the counsellor wasn't familiar with supporting people with your issues (put mildly) I suggest you look for an accredited therapist or someone with specific training in this area at least. I'm a counsellor but would not offer my services in your circumstances as it's not part of my experience as of yet (I mostly counsel for bereavement and divorce/relationships)

All professionals have their gems, horrors, and generally decent people.

Counseling I think is one that tends to have more at those extremes. I had some horrors back in the '90s, it's not really new, I think it's both the varying ways people get into the profession and just part of the issues of how wider society deals with these things that trickles in.

I'd recommend the resources at napac.org.uk for finding support and places that specialize in helping adult survivors of child abuse.

If a therapist makes you feel judged you can't work with them. Need to keep looking for someone where you can be yourself. Their politics and personal views are not something you should be made overtly aware of, it is irrelevant to your therapy. With a new therapist tell them that you have felt judged by previous therapists and perhaps explore how and why...this could be a really good route into talking about what you want from therapy and what issues you need to focus on. Any decent therapist will not minimise or judge your lived experience.