To tell my Ex I’m still in love with them?

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 19:52

@ktld

Brief background- my ex and I split up 8 months ago (ish). Very amicable, no hard feelings. He didn’t want children and decided to get a vasectomy. At the time I’d always imagined myself with kids so we ended things. Aside from this (admittedly rather large difference of opinion) we had a fantastic relationship. He was supportive, kind, caring and would literally do anything for me and I can honestly say in all my years of dating I’ve never felt about anyone the way I’ve felt about him.

Since we’ve broken up I’ve tried dating a few times and I’ve met people who tick all my theoretical boxes on paper but I just can’t develop any feelings for them. When I think about it, I’m still just as in love with my ex right now nearly 9 months down the line as I was when we were together. I’m still heartbroken not to be with him and the more I think about having kids I just can’t imagine it anymore. (My only real option at this point would be to do it alone which i can’t do for a number of reasons and wouldn’t be 100% comfortable with anyway)

I keep thinking I should just reach out to my ex and tell him how I’m feeling and that I’m still in love with him but then I’d feel awful if I did and he’d moved on and was with someone else because then I’d 100% be the crazy ex (I swear I’m not actually crazy!)

I just keep thinking if the break up was meant to be then surely the feelings would be fading to some degree by now?! But is it selfish to randomly text him 9 months later like “by the way- I still love you!”

Christmas is a weird time especially this year.

Don't do it. See how you feel in the new year.

Bottledupagain · 26/12/2020 19:55

My advice would be the total opposite to above. Do it. You only get on chance at happiness. He might be sat there feeling the same or he may have moved on. But there's only one way to find out.
Send him a message.

OhHiya · 26/12/2020 19:57

As long as you can come to terms with never having a child and not becoming a mother then definitely go for it.
It just depends on what matters the most to you.
Just be prepared for him to either tell you he’s moved on or that he’s with someone else.
Have you kept in touch since the split?

Shouldershrugger · 26/12/2020 19:58

Do you still want children? Are you willing to give up possible motherhood for your ex? Don't compromise the rest of your life for a momentary wobble.

CakeRequired · 26/12/2020 19:59

I think move on, as hard as that is. You really want children, and he really doesn't. He will always hold you back on that and you'll resent him if you got back together, then you'd have wasted more time.

Maybe don't date for a while and work on getting over him. You have only spent 8 months dating too, how long did you spend in comparison either in other relationships or on your own until you found your ex? It will have been longer I imagine, so 8 months isn't long to have dated.

Lookslikerainted · 26/12/2020 20:00

I’d do it. Good luck op.

twolip · 26/12/2020 20:02

I think you should tell him. When you love someone and they don't know it's a burden. Maybe he'll shoot you down in flames, maybe it'll be reciprocated. At this point, what do you have to lose?

Redkatagain · 26/12/2020 20:03

I would 100% tell him.

If he has any feelings for you, now is the time that he will reciprocate

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 26/12/2020 20:03

You could ask how things are first if you were worried about rejection/preserving your dignity.. if he's moved on/shuts you down then you'll know where he is on things.

pisspants · 26/12/2020 20:05

I'd go for it too OP. I did similar recently and so glad i did. It's better to live life without thinking what if

Woofbloodywoof · 26/12/2020 20:07

Nine months is not that long, and 2020 has hardly been the year where it’s been easy for people to meet people they might want to date in an organic setting. (I.e. not online.) I agree with the other poster who says it’s Christmas and that can make us make hasty decisions.
One of the major side effects of falling in love is wanting to have children. It’s biological. It’s natural. Your ex is entirely entitled to feel the way he does but staying with him will rob you of an entirely natural life stage. Are you absolutely sure you will not come to resent him down the line? Maybe if your pier group start to have kids. If not then, when you are older and friends are having grandchildren.
Feel for you OP. But he is asking you to make an enormous sacrifice. In fact, he’s not asking you, is he? He took matters into his own hands. He’s had the snip.
One could argue that if he really really loved you, he would not deny you one of the lost natural urges in the world.
Good luck. I hope you find happiness. X

CoRhona · 26/12/2020 20:12

If you go back your life will not move forward...

Don't do it - don't go back to ex partners or jobs, both ended for a reason

Dozer · 26/12/2020 20:16

Did he HAVE a vasectomy?

If not, and you later break up (more than 50% chance of that happening), he will have the option to have DC in future. Your fertility is more time bound.

So would only seek to get back together with him if you’d be OK with the scenario of breaking up in future and having no DC.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 20:18

@Woofbloodywoof

Nine months is not that long, and 2020 has hardly been the year where it’s been easy for people to meet people they might want to date in an organic setting. (I.e. not online.) I agree with the other poster who says it’s Christmas and that can make us make hasty decisions. One of the major side effects of falling in love is wanting to have children. It’s biological. It’s natural. Your ex is entirely entitled to feel the way he does but staying with him will rob you of an entirely natural life stage. Are you absolutely sure you will not come to resent him down the line? Maybe if your pier group start to have kids. If not then, when you are older and friends are having grandchildren. Feel for you OP. But he is asking you to make an enormous sacrifice. In fact, he’s not asking you, is he? He took matters into his own hands. He’s had the snip. One could argue that if he really really loved you, he would not deny you one of the lost natural urges in the world. Good luck. I hope you find happiness. X

He absolutely cannot be expected to have a child he doesn't want

Maybe the loving her was letting her go.

Original poster

ktld · 26/12/2020 20:33

Thank you for the all the advice and opinions- it’s helpful to get some other perspectives.

To try and answer a few questions, we did keep in touch for maybe 2 months after the split, I found it hard and thought this was why I was struggling to move on so went no contact and haven’t spoken for the last 6 months or so. He’d wanted to remain friends but i struggled.

In the past I’ve always bounced back really quickly from relationships with a rather c’est la vie approach. I think it was only 2 or 3 months before I met my ex when I came out of the previous relationship and I was dating again within the month. This is why I can’t understand why my feelings haven’t changed at all in like 9 month. Having said that- as cliche as it sounds, I knew he was special from our first date (I realise how corny it sounds!) but I was head over heels from day one.

The way I feel right now I’d happily give up having kids for him but then the future is so uncertain I do worry slightly that I could end up with a massive urge for children in my late 30s or whatever and end up putting us both through heartache again (I’m 28 now) because who knows what could happen 10 years down the line.

He did have the vasectomy- it wasn’t long after we broke up, maybe about a month.

OP posts:

Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/12/2020 20:38

@ktld given that you’ve updated to say you’re only 28 then I wouldn’t get in touch. I would leave it and focus on yourself and moving on, you have 12 years or more in which you could find someone and have a child and the chances are that you will resent your ex in the long run for denying you that opportunity.

LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2020 20:40

Kids are shit

Did you send him a Merry Christmas message? I'd put the feelers out if I were you

How old are you both?

Cleverpolly3 · 26/12/2020 20:41

Trust me
You won’t stay together if there’s even a whiff of a chance you want to have children

I know what will prevail and it wasn’t him though in many ways I thought he was the love of my life and we were together for 11 years.
As a mother now I don’t regret it at all.
The alternative for me was ultimately unthinkable and staying with him at the detriment of becoming a mother would have led me to resent him enough to leave him anyway

Don’t look back

katy1213 · 26/12/2020 20:42

There's more to life than having children.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 26/12/2020 20:43

In normal circumstances I'd give it 12 months. This year has been a write off though.

I'd normally only advise getting back together if whatever kept you apart has been resolved. Do you really think you can come to terms with being childless? What would you do if your relationship broke down later on (as many good relationships do) and you dont have children or him, would you be ok taking that chance?

Cleverpolly3 · 26/12/2020 20:44

@katy1213

There's more to life than having children.

Not if you want them there isn’t. Not ultimately. It’s easy to say and nominally of course it’s true but no amount of alternative experiences will negate or compensate for that longing or wish to have a child if your own. You can’t replicate it elsewhere. The irony is you only realise that once they are here

Ikeameatballs · 26/12/2020 20:45

My advice might have been different if you were 38.

At 28 you have a long, long time to find someone who is right for you and who wants dc. Don’t message him. Move on.

AlternativePerspective · 26/12/2020 20:46

Tbh I am always a bit at the idea of leaving a happy relationship for the sake of something which may never happen. Children aren’t a guarantee after all, and looking for someone you want to have children with when you’re still in love with someone else and would still be with them were it not for the fact they didn’t want children all seems far too clinical to me.

At the end of the day, you know now he’s had a vasectomy. Chances are he had it because he didn’t want to get hurt again or feel pressured by someone into wanting children and could therefore go into any new relationship totally up front and committed to the idea of not having children.

Ultimately a relationship could break down in future for any number of reasons, so I wouldn’t use not being able to have children as a reason not to go back.

You may never find someone else. You may find a bastard who leaves you pregnant and a single parent. You may never fall pregnant. You don’t know what the future holds in that regard.

But you do know how you feel about this guy.

I would 100% get back in touch with him.

CornishTiger · 26/12/2020 20:50

How old is he?

MsPeachh · 26/12/2020 20:53

It’s no wonder you can’t move on if you’ve had far too much time at home dwelling on things because 2020! I don’t know, OP. I think you’re young and still have many years ahead of you to find someone else.