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Original poster

To tell my Ex I’m still in love with them?

68 replies

ktld · 26/12/2020 19:50

Brief background- my ex and I split up 8 months ago (ish). Very amicable, no hard feelings. He didn’t want children and decided to get a vasectomy. At the time I’d always imagined myself with kids so we ended things. Aside from this (admittedly rather large difference of opinion) we had a fantastic relationship. He was supportive, kind, caring and would literally do anything for me and I can honestly say in all my years of dating I’ve never felt about anyone the way I’ve felt about him.

Since we’ve broken up I’ve tried dating a few times and I’ve met people who tick all my theoretical boxes on paper but I just can’t develop any feelings for them. When I think about it, I’m still just as in love with my ex right now nearly 9 months down the line as I was when we were together. I’m still heartbroken not to be with him and the more I think about having kids I just can’t imagine it anymore. (My only real option at this point would be to do it alone which i can’t do for a number of reasons and wouldn’t be 100% comfortable with anyway)

I keep thinking I should just reach out to my ex and tell him how I’m feeling and that I’m still in love with him but then I’d feel awful if I did and he’d moved on and was with someone else because then I’d 100% be the crazy ex (I swear I’m not actually crazy!Grin)

I just keep thinking if the break up was meant to be then surely the feelings would be fading to some degree by now?! But is it selfish to randomly text him 9 months later like “by the way- I still love you!”

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 26/12/2020 20:56

Not if you want them there isn’t. Not ultimately.

There is. Plenty of people are unable to have children but still have a good and fulfilling life.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 20:57

@CounsellorTroi

Not if you want them there isn’t. Not ultimately.

There is. Plenty of people are unable to have children but still have a good and fulfilling life.

Yes...but that's different to being able to have them.
Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/12/2020 20:57

@AlternativePerspective no children aren’t a guarantee, but surely people leave relationships all the time because they realise they don’t have a shared life vision. Wanting vs not wanting children is a pretty major incompatibility issue with regards to what you want from life and although it’s heartbreaking to leave the relationship, it’s worse to pretend to be ok with something you aren’t ok with a regret that you never had the opportunity to have kids.

Also, OP, in different circumstances entirely I have taken well over a year to get over someone and not dated again for several years. I don’t think there is a set amount of time for getting over a relationship, but at 28 (or any age really) I wouldn’t advise you to sacrifice you future dreams for anyone. A good relationship shouldn’t involve that and you knew that when you ended things with him.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 20:58

OP, if it helps to explain why I said no -

Im the same age and same position as you. I get it.

Griselda1 · 26/12/2020 21:02

Go for it, what an uncertain world we live in and you shouldn't waste any chance of happiness.

Cleverpolly3 · 26/12/2020 21:21

@Griselda1

Go for it, what an uncertain world we live in and you shouldn't waste any chance of happiness.
How will she be happy if she subjugates something that’s central to HER happiness ?

Sometimes we need to be selfish to be happy
In pretty much the same way as her ex has done by having a vasectomy

2020iscancelled · 26/12/2020 21:25

Tbh 28 is really young - not to be patronising but lots of people don’t even know if they want kids until they’re well into their 30s, although obvs a lot of people do know and do it before then.
But you’ve got many years ahead of you to meet someone new.

you could reach out to him and reconcile only to find 5 years down the line that you do want a baby and suddenly you’re mid 30s and staring again. Or of course you could be really happy together and never look back.

The chances are that you could be really happy with lots of people. Just because you haven’t met them within 9 months during a pandemic doesn’t mean it won’t happen.

If you really believe you can give up even the idea of children then reach out to him......
but if you have any lingering thoughts of a future family then you should leave it

strawberry2017 · 26/12/2020 21:29

I couldn't give up my dreams of children for a man. Children are forever, relationships aren't always.
What would you do if in 10 years time he left you and you found you had lost your chance of children and him.
If I knew I wanted children I couldn't take the chance. To me he isn't the perfect man if he doesn't want what I want.
Good luck whatever you decide.

Emeraldshamrock · 26/12/2020 21:36

You'll never know if you don't ask.
It is hard to leave the hope of being a DM if you really want it.
Maybe send a "I miss you text" I'm not sure I'd head straight in with the love bomb.

Didiusfalco · 26/12/2020 21:42

God no, don’t be daft. Of course you haven’t moved on in the last 9 months, fuck all had happened, it’s been like ground hog day. Give it a normal 9 months and then see. There’s not just one great bloke for you, especially when you’re 28.

GlitterBiscuits · 26/12/2020 21:45

Hell no! If you want children you could waste the best part of your reproductive age with him.
Like a PP I wouldn't forgo children for a man.

Lemmeout · 26/12/2020 21:49

I’d say no, don’t go back. You will never forgive him when you’re longing for children 10 years down the line.
You are telling him he is the most important in your world. But you are not giving yourself that same consideration.

Brieminewine · 26/12/2020 22:05

Hmm at 28 you are still young, you could easily meet someone and go on to have a family but if you love him text him! What’s the worst that could happen! Nothing ventured, nothing gained and it’s Christmas if you get a knock back you can just brush it off with a too much wine and rose tinted glasses excuse..good luck ❤️

InsertRudeWord · 27/12/2020 00:52

Try and imagine a life with children, the love you feel, setting things up for Father Christmas, nativity plays, their own children, days out and adventures. Would you give up all that for a man? What if you could end up with the wonderful man AND children?

olympicsrock · 27/12/2020 08:15

No , don’t go back. You are 28 and have the rest of your life ahead of you to find someone amazing who you can have a family with.
This man is not
Right for you

Lookslikerainted · 27/12/2020 08:30

Your 28!?? Oh don’t go back. There will be other special men who want what you want.

BeyondFrustrated · 27/12/2020 08:38

No I wouldn’t.

You want kids, he doesn’t.

He hasn’t been in touch for 6 months....he’s moved on.

Dozer · 27/12/2020 08:40

Yes, 28 is plenty, plenty time to meet someone else who’s great AND wants DC.

stonebrambleboy · 27/12/2020 08:57

He's moved on, you should too.

Snog · 27/12/2020 09:40

This is a major incompatibility. You have a very long time to find someone you love as much or more and who also wants children.

It's hard to move on because it's a pandemic OP. Don't waste more of your precious and ultimately limited time on your ex.

toconclude · 27/12/2020 09:58

@InsertRudeWord

Try and imagine a life with children, the love you feel, setting things up for Father Christmas, nativity plays, their own children, days out and adventures. Would you give up all that for a man? What if you could end up with the wonderful man AND children?
That's not everyone's life with children. That's a nice fantasy.
boilinthebagrice · 27/12/2020 10:22

You are only 28. So many people haven't met their life partner at that age. I did start having children until my mid 30's.
I'd just leave it. Don't contact him. Plenty of time for you to meet someone in the future.

MrsWhites · 27/12/2020 10:33

Very hard situation OP and I can’t tell you what to do for the best. This might come across as very harsh but you also need to consider whether he was as in love with you as you were with him, it seems quite a big decision to make to have a vasectomy at a young age when you are in a relationship with someone who wants children.

My point being, he chose his choice to not have children rather than his relationship with you and your choices/desire to have children. He knew that having the vasectomy was walking away from a relationship with you but he still did it.

Oooohbehave · 27/12/2020 10:36

Absolutely not. If you do get back together you'll end up resenting him. Men come and go but your desire for children won't, in fact it will get stronger as you get older.

CoffeePhoenix · 27/12/2020 10:42

I split up with someone I could have stayed with and been happy with at 28 because he didn't want kids. I decided that I would give myself the possibility of meeting someone and having children and then if it didn't happen, at least I had tried, by being open to it

29, I met my partner, I'm 42 now with 2 DC and we're still together. You don't know what's out there - you have to be brave and back yourself. You can't go forward in hope by looking back.

And splitting up happened for a reason. Don't doubt yourself.