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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my Ex I’m still in love with them?

68 replies

ktld · 26/12/2020 19:50

Brief background- my ex and I split up 8 months ago (ish). Very amicable, no hard feelings. He didn’t want children and decided to get a vasectomy. At the time I’d always imagined myself with kids so we ended things. Aside from this (admittedly rather large difference of opinion) we had a fantastic relationship. He was supportive, kind, caring and would literally do anything for me and I can honestly say in all my years of dating I’ve never felt about anyone the way I’ve felt about him.

Since we’ve broken up I’ve tried dating a few times and I’ve met people who tick all my theoretical boxes on paper but I just can’t develop any feelings for them. When I think about it, I’m still just as in love with my ex right now nearly 9 months down the line as I was when we were together. I’m still heartbroken not to be with him and the more I think about having kids I just can’t imagine it anymore. (My only real option at this point would be to do it alone which i can’t do for a number of reasons and wouldn’t be 100% comfortable with anyway)

I keep thinking I should just reach out to my ex and tell him how I’m feeling and that I’m still in love with him but then I’d feel awful if I did and he’d moved on and was with someone else because then I’d 100% be the crazy ex (I swear I’m not actually crazy!)

I just keep thinking if the break up was meant to be then surely the feelings would be fading to some degree by now?! But is it selfish to randomly text him 9 months later like “by the way- I still love you!”

OP posts:

trevthecat · 27/12/2020 10:52

You split 9 months ago. Just look at the last 9 months. It's not been normal life. I wouldn't message him. Like you have said, what if you change your mind in a few years about children? I don't think you can just turn off the want for children. It may feel like it now but I think it will come back. There are loads of great men out there.

pinktophat · 27/12/2020 10:55

There Is absolutely nothing that can replace having children if that's what your heart desires most. You were prepared to split up with him over this. This is your answer.
All relationships can work or fail but the pressure of giving up children for someone would never go away.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 27/12/2020 11:07

Do it! Why not, you only live once. Do it, do it. I love a love story. Text him.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 27/12/2020 11:09

I've been with my partner nearly 5 years and have always said no to kids with him. I said I don't like babies and toddlers are annoying as hell. I'd hate to do the school run and kids partys. But I have recently changed my mind and have been trying to work out how to tell him. People change. He might not have but I didn't think I would.

BarefootInTheMoonlitSnow · 27/12/2020 11:50

Even if he is a wonderful bloke and utterly genuine, he has made a clear commitment to his choice, and not to you.

The notion of ‘only one person in the world that is right for me’ often makes people worry and settle, but the world is littered with people and odds are more likely that there’s more than one person we’d be happy with.

Take a bit more time to think about it before rushing back to someone who a) doesn’t share long term plans of family life with you, b) has confirmed his choice with a medical procedure and c) hasn’t come looking for you in a rush of ‘what have I done?’ post break up or post surgery nevermind post Christmas.

And that’s all before you even take into account that you do, or at least did, want kids, and that’s a sort of craving that can be very strong for some people as they get older.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2020 12:05

I don't think you should get back in touch. If you were early 40s with reduced chances of having a baby then maybe...but you're young enough to find someone else who wants what you do.

He's not the only man for you and giving up having kids for a man who could easily up and leave you isn't worth it. I just feel it gives him too much power in the relationship and it wouldn't be the same IMO...how old was he?

I think it would be an unequal relationship if you got back with him.

No man is worth giving up having kids for.

@LaurieFairyCake

Kids are shit

What an intelligent comment

TheBigMelt · 27/12/2020 12:09

You’re 28! I thought you were going to say you were 10 years older.

Don’t go back. You’ve got years left to meet someone else who shares your dreams.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/12/2020 12:20

So long as you can accept a big fat no (possible ) why not
The risk is he has either moved on , or thinks the issue won’t change
Good luck x

WonderingFree · 27/12/2020 12:21

Given that he had the snip 1-month after you split I really would think about how compatible you were. This was a relationship deal breaker for you both, neither of you were prepared to compromise and that’s it. Now you need to move on so that you have an opportunity to think about what you want whether that is children or not, but at least give yourself choice.
It’s not been a great year to meet new people let alone date so give yourself a bit of time.

destroyedandout · 27/12/2020 12:28

Bloody hell, when you said you said your only option to have kids would be to do it alone, I thought you meant you were in your early 40's and at the end of the line fertility wise. You are 28!

You have plenty of time to have children and you don't sound at all like you have put to bed having kids. The only way you should get back with this man is if you are absolutely sure you don't want children ever.

As you get older your friends will start to have kids, that is likely to make you feel broody, and you are right that it is fairly common for women, even those adamant all their lives they had no maternal instincts - to feel an overwhelming urge to have kids in their late 30s (no, not all women, but it happened to enough women I know to be certain its a thing). I think you will regret it and it is not fair to you or him to be put in this position.

destroyedandout · 27/12/2020 12:29

@pinktophat

There Is absolutely nothing that can replace having children if that's what your heart desires most. You were prepared to split up with him over this. This is your answer. All relationships can work or fail but the pressure of giving up children for someone would never go away.

This

Oryxx · 27/12/2020 12:36

I think you should leave it. My answer might be different if you were 10 or 15 years older but you are very young. You have a decade to meet someone who adores you AND who wants children.

MinimumChips · 27/12/2020 12:37

I thought you must be 38/39 to say My only real option at this point would be to do it alone!! Most people I know met their life partner in their 30s and almost no one was ready to commit either way on kids before 30 (me included, despite getting married at 25!). Honestly, do not go back to your ex. It’s been a crazy year and it’s only been 9 months. If you were late 30s and felt this way I’d say maybe consider it, but at 28 you have so much time to meet someone I think it would be crazy to compromise on something so important. If you already felt you wanted children at 28, that feeling will likely get stronger as you get older. I think you would massively regret going back in five years time.

shivermetimbers77 · 27/12/2020 12:38

Your desire to have kids is only likely to grow in the next decade OP. Unless you are really sure you don’t want kids, then I really wouldn’t go back to this man. At 28 you have so many options to meet someone else who is wonderful and wants a family too.

dottiedodah · 27/12/2020 12:50

I feel for you ,but honestly think you have made the right decision here .At 28 you are so young and most (not all) women want to have DC at some point I think.2020 has been a crap year ,and as you say previously you would have bounced back from RL breakdowns .I think he is being very selfish TBH and controlling to boot! To go off for a vasectomy without telling you is hardly the actions of a loving partner! Try and keep busy(not easy I know!) Hopefully once the restrictions ease ,you can find someone new .My own DH was unsure about DC(Loves them now obv!) and many men can be ambivilent about Fatherhood but still make good parents!

DeeCeeCherry · 27/12/2020 13:00

we had a fantastic relationship. He was supportive, kind, caring and would literally do anything for me

All this - Yet, you split up?

So obviously something was missing. & Whatever was missing - it still will be.

If you'd met someone else you fancy, you wouldn't be looking back at this relationship with rose-tinted glasses. You can tell him how you feel and hope for a reunion.

But be sure never being a mother is what you want, and that you're not planning to sweep aside your heart's desire for the sake of a man.

CounsellorTroi · 27/12/2020 13:07

I think he is being very selfish TBH and controlling to boot! To go off for a vasectomy without telling you is hardly the actions of a loving partner!

He did it after they broke up. How is that selfish and controlling?

inanotherlifetimeok · 27/12/2020 15:41

Don't do it you've got loads of time to meet someone else and have kids.

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