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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Excluded from the aptly named bubble :)

99 replies

Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 19:36

To cut a very long story short we had hoped to see some family on the one permitted day yesterday and yet mine and my hubby's family said no.

If it was due to self isolating and covid then we would have understood but it wasn't.

My mother has created a bubble with my childless sister and my sister's wife (because she is single). We asked if we could have a Christmas meal together yesterday whilst the rules allowed as we have been as isolated as everyone else and thought it would be a missed opportunity if we didn't. My sister said no because her wife did not fancy it. My mother continuously goes on about how much she misses the gran children (our 4 kids, one of whom is not far off newborn) and insists we catch up on walks/ in the park when it's freezing. Usually we would see each other fairly regularly.

My MIL said she was spending it with her brother and brothers girlfriend, this really upset my hubby and we have received texts to state how much the grandchildren were missed this Christmas.

It's been a difficult year especially having a covid newborn.

I am pissed off that my MIL/ Mother/ Sister think it's acceptable to guilt trip is about how much they miss our children and yet when the opportunity allows they have chosen to do other things and see other people.

What do you all think?

OP posts:

Original poster

Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 23:17

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 they are beautifully behaved for what it's worth

OP posts:

Yeahnahmum · 26/12/2020 23:29

I would ignore them. Let them get stuffed.

FamilyOfAliens · 26/12/2020 23:35

[quote Enmeshednomore]@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 they are beautifully behaved for what it's worth[/quote]
Tbf @LadyTiredWinterBottom2, that was a bit of a daft question.

Everyone thinks their children’s behaviour is impeccable. You need to ask someone other than the parent to get an accurate and objective answer.

Nevanna · 26/12/2020 23:38

children at school have been in contact with loads of other people and may well be asymptomatic carriers
This. I refused to see my in-laws this Christmas. Not because I’m worried about MIL, FIL, BIL or SIL - I know they’re hand washing, social distancing and wearing masks. My concern is my two nephews who are both at different schools and mixing with hundreds of kids with no masks or social distancing. Sorry OP, kids are dangerous at present and I don’t want them near me.

emilyfrost · 26/12/2020 23:40

[quote Enmeshednomore]@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 they are beautifully behaved for what it's worth[/quote]
Of course you think they are

It makes a lot more sense to spend it with fewer people, and as you have chosen to have four kids and be a family of six you need to accept you aren’t going to be the top of anyone’s list right now - that’s far too much exposure.

Not only that but even at the best of times few people want to spend time amongst so many children.

ancientgran · 26/12/2020 23:40

@Enmeshednomore I'm really working on the guilt thing but it's so hard! I'll be getting a call in the morning mark my words but I'm determined to be bright and breezy and assertive all at the same time! confused You do what is best for you and your children and don't feel any guilt.

Don't worry about the snippy comments, some people read what they like into posts. Nothing to do with you.

ancientgran · 26/12/2020 23:41

Not only that but even at the best of times few people want to spend time amongst so many children. Well they don't need to guilt trip the OP about wanting to see them then do they. Can't have it both ways.

FamilyOfAliens · 26/12/2020 23:43

Don't worry about the snippy comments, some people read what they like into posts. Nothing to do with you.

Think you’ve misunderstood there - people are saying the OP’s posts are snippy, not the other way round.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2020 23:47

Haha @FamilyOfAliens yeah fair point!

MintyMabel · 26/12/2020 23:52

We missed oit on the family lottery of bubbles too. Mum was understandable as we are quite a bit further away than my sister. But we’re only half an hour or so from MIL but she chose my BILs (also childless) because “they are nearby and can help out when I need it” So far, every time they have “helped” OH has to try and fix what they have done remotely, or organise a contractor to go in and sort it. Instead of sorting her out with online shopping, they have been going round and taking shopping to her, then the twice they had to isolate because they were pinged by track and trace, they just left her to it, so we had to try and get online shopping for her.

We knew she would choose the golden boy, but it really is a smack in the face for our DD who is missing her granny a lot. MIL is constantly whinging about not seeing DD and maybe we could come down anyway. She speaks about being lonely - if she’d picked us she could have come here to stay. But she made her bed, not much we can do about it.

WeeWelshWoman · 26/12/2020 23:56

Honestly, ignore the guilt trip. If they don't prioritise you, don't prioritise them.

CoffeeCreamandSugar · 27/12/2020 01:36

Yes my In laws are much the same I’m afraid.

Stop pandering to her and live your life the way you want to. If you fancy meeting up then that’s great but if you don’t want to go out in the cold then don’t

AmberItsACertainty · 27/12/2020 02:05

[quote Enmeshednomore]@Popgoesthebubble yes I guess it isn't compatible but like you say it would have been nice to catch up for a couple hours.[/quote]
I doubt it, sounds like one lot at least would be wrecked with their drinking. It hurts when family are a bit rubbish. You can distance yourself a bit to protect yourself, don't prioritize them so much etc, but it still hurts. Like others have said treat it as only words when they say about missing the children. I'm very low contact with my family, it was the only way to avoid being constantly disappointed by them. When I think about it I feel sad we're not closer, but it is what it is. You can't make other people be different or nicer, all you can do is live your life in a way that makes you content.

FuckYouCorona · 27/12/2020 02:48

As a fellow ACOA, (adult child of alcoholic) my only thought is why on earth would you want to take your DC to witness a family Christmas with an alcoholic parent anyway? Surely you'd want to shield your DC from that? I know I would. You DO come across as snippy & sound jealous of your sister btw.

Sinful8 · 27/12/2020 04:18

[quote Enmeshednomore]@ChipsWithThat er yeah I know that is not the case. We've had those conversations.[/quote]
Are you and DH or your kids just particularly annoying?

Its unusual to have faultlessly caused 2 families to avoid thier children simultaneously

lunalulu · 27/12/2020 06:01

@MoiraNotRuby

I suspect its because they wanted a drunken Christmas day, not a day where they have to behave responsibly around small children. Alcoholism is a very difficult thing for the person who suffers and their family suffers too. Sadly OP all you can do is look after your own boundaries and make happy occasions with your kids. You can't fix your mum. I'm sorry it's so hard.

I agree. I think it's this, with 'Covid fears' as a bit of an excuse.

They couldn't be arsed with the kids and pressure for a more sober Xmas. They just wanted to get pissed and loaf around. So they ditched you.

Yes it's super hurtful and I'm v sorry. But the problem is the alcohol.

MindyStClaire · 27/12/2020 08:21

Yes I think they wanted a child free day, and I think that's fair enough tbh. You have to understand OP, that the difference a family of six with four young children will make to pretty much any gathering is massive. It's not just like one or two adults tagging along, the whole dynamic changes. You will have fewer invitations until your children have grown up a bit, regardless of covid.

BIL is a lot older than DH, and there's an even bigger gap between his kids and ours. We used to find days with his family frankly overwhelming when the kids were small - they're brilliant and well behaved but three small children is A Lot when you're not used to it.

Now we're the ones with a toddler and a baby and I fully understand that we can't go visiting family in the way we used to. We had a really lovely Christmas Day this year, but fuck me I was exhausted, and two drinks over many hours nearly killed me. Before children Christmas Day meant getting nicely tipsy, playing board games late into the night and firing good natured abuse at as many family members as possible. I'd choose that over an overstimulated toddler too.

Original poster

Enmeshednomore · 27/12/2020 09:07

Thank you all! It's been helpful

We got the teary zoom call from mil who was upset she didn't see us on Christmas day!

I think I need to set one or 2 boundaries. No wet walks for is today 😌

OP posts:

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 27/12/2020 09:53

Op i would only go on walks when it suits you from now on
And ignore a lot of posters on here who keep saying its because they are managing the risks because you clearly stated in your post they are not concerned re: covid
With your mum and sister sounds like they wanted a drinking day and 4 young children wouldn't be constructive with that
With mil maybe she was asked and couldn't say no and then didn't sant 10 around ?
If it had been allowed for more days do you think they would of expected you to visit on another day , that would show if actually was covid or just nor convenient.
Hope you had a lovely day anyway and at least you didn't have to trapse here there and everywhere with young children

CharlieSocial · 27/12/2020 10:00

OP has been short with people in her replies, then gets very defensive when this is pointed out.

If shes this unaware then perhaps thats why the MIL chose not to have her and her family at Christmas - because shes snippy and takes offence all the time . Well, that and the fact she would have 4 superspreaders in tow

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 27/12/2020 10:05

YABU OP.

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/12/2020 10:07

Well, the obvious response to the teary MIL call is, "Yes, Irene, it's a shame but you had the chance!" then move on.

bluegreygreen · 27/12/2020 10:23

@Enmeshednomore

Thank you all! It's been helpful

We got the teary zoom call from mil who was upset she didn't see us on Christmas day!

I think I need to set one or 2 boundaries. No wet walks for is today 😌

So do you ever say something like 'Yes, it's a shame you decided not to see us'?

Original poster

Enmeshednomore · 27/12/2020 10:30

@bluegreygreen @MargotLovedTom1 thanks, yes, I'm terrible at thinking on my feet EVEN when the teary stuff is so predictable. I felt quite speechless to be honest. I do need to let go of the anguish, this is how it is, makes no sense, but, we can't make people change- we can guard our hearts better for want of a better phrase!

OP posts:

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