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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from the aptly named bubble :)

99 replies

Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 19:36

To cut a very long story short we had hoped to see some family on the one permitted day yesterday and yet mine and my hubby's family said no.

If it was due to self isolating and covid then we would have understood but it wasn't.

My mother has created a bubble with my childless sister and my sister's wife (because she is single). We asked if we could have a Christmas meal together yesterday whilst the rules allowed as we have been as isolated as everyone else and thought it would be a missed opportunity if we didn't. My sister said no because her wife did not fancy it. My mother continuously goes on about how much she misses the gran children (our 4 kids, one of whom is not far off newborn) and insists we catch up on walks/ in the park when it's freezing. Usually we would see each other fairly regularly.

My MIL said she was spending it with her brother and brothers girlfriend, this really upset my hubby and we have received texts to state how much the grandchildren were missed this Christmas.

It's been a difficult year especially having a covid newborn.

I am pissed off that my MIL/ Mother/ Sister think it's acceptable to guilt trip is about how much they miss our children and yet when the opportunity allows they have chosen to do other things and see other people.

What do you all think?Flowers

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 26/12/2020 20:57

YANBU. It’s fine if they want to not see you, but to make you feel guilty is mean.

Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 21:02

@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 yes its a bit of an ongoing theme. My mother is an alcoholic and I get guilt trips a lot because she does not remember the things she says etc. I guess that is why there is a slight resentment on my part especially when I have to meet her in the freezing cold with the babies!

OP posts:
Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 21:07

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 @SilentlyLaughing really unkind and uncalled for

OP posts:
Agoodbriskwalk · 26/12/2020 21:09

Ahhh @Agoodbriskwalk younger brother and v young gf with kids, at their fathers on that day!

So the kids weren't there? That's not the same then. It's socialising with 2 rather than 6, and not with kids.

Purely on a numbers basis, you're more likely to get it from 6 people than from 2, and then if you add kids into the mix it's even more likely again because of the terrible situation in schools right now.

FrenchBoule · 26/12/2020 21:11

OP, you don’t have to meet up in freezing cold. Just say it.

Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 21:11

@Agoodbriskwalk yes maybe, kids aren't school age (ours that is) and my in-laws are not concerned about the virus but I can see what your saying

OP posts:
Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 21:12

@FrenchBoule yes I think I'm going to have to start saying no!!!

OP posts:
SweetpeaMidnight · 26/12/2020 21:21

Sounds like she's struggling with anxiety. Hope this helps

www.ipsea.org.uk/school-refusal

lionobserving · 26/12/2020 21:21

Op even if your family members haven't explicitly said them not seeing you is covid related, it's likely that it is.

If they usually see you regularly and you have good relationships, they're probably wary.

The thing with Covid is that people aren't always rational with their fear. My MIL wouldn't let SIL and DN in the house yesterday because DN has been in nursery, but would let BIL in despite him being a teacher. It's totally irrational, but covid fears aren't always rational. We tried to explain that SIL and BIL represented the same risk but it made no difference.

Sounds like your family haven't been around kids and so it's like your kids make them wary ("SUPERSPREADERS" "SILENT CARRIERS") etc.

If you usually have a good relationship I wouldn't dwell on it or take it personally. I know it's disappointing, but many people have been able to see no family at all this Christmas so I'd chalk it up to a shit year and not let it get to you.

SweetpeaMidnight · 26/12/2020 21:22

Wrong thread, sorry!

Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 21:27

@lionobserving I certainly agree with people being irrational with their fear. If this was the case here I definitely would understand. The family I'm referring to are out and about with others/ socialising etc. They literally just want to get pissed with other people!

OP posts:
MoiraNotRuby · 26/12/2020 21:35

I suspect its because they wanted a drunken Christmas day, not a day where they have to behave responsibly around small children. Alcoholism is a very difficult thing for the person who suffers and their family suffers too. Sadly OP all you can do is look after your own boundaries and make happy occasions with your kids. You can't fix your mum. I'm sorry it's so hard.

RedskyAtnight · 26/12/2020 21:36

It sounds like you are able to see at least your mum reasonably frequently, albeit outside, so it wasn't really the only permitted day of the year was it? Your post would be a lot more valid if they lived 200 miles away and really couldn't see them at all.
Everyone has had to make hard decisions this year. Don't take it personally.

lionobserving · 26/12/2020 21:38

[quote Enmeshednomore]@lionobserving I certainly agree with people being irrational with their fear. If this was the case here I definitely would understand. The family I'm referring to are out and about with others/ socialising etc. They literally just want to get pissed with other people![/quote]
And if they did just want to drink, on the one day that they can see other people (and after the year we've had), that's equally not a slight on your or your kids.

This year, just take it on the chin - it's nothing personal!

DressingGownofDoom · 26/12/2020 21:39

Tbh I would presume a family with two parents and four kids would be alright to spend Christmas Day in their own house. When we are meant to be limiting contact I couldn't blame anyone for not inviting your large family round.

peapotter · 26/12/2020 21:48

I sympathise op, and I think you’re getting a hard time of it here (possibly from people who are not frazzled after 2 days with hyper kids and no family to share the chaos?)

We have just spent our first Christmas alone with the kids. I was also hurt that others had been chosen over us. My kids are hard work, with SEN, and I feel like the older generation wanted an easy Christmas after a tough year. It was the only chance for us, like you, to meet up properly and now it’s gone. We haven’t even been able to zoom as the kids are too hyper, and now they’re are asking why we’re antisocial!!

We’re laying low and just remembering the love we have at home. As pp said, everyone is weird this year. Try not to to take it personally like I am Flowers

TurquoiseDragon · 26/12/2020 21:54

Op even if your family members haven't explicitly said them not seeing you is covid related, it's likely that it is.

That's a huge assumption, given the numbers of posters on various threads who have said that Covid is a good excuse to get out of seeing people they don't want to see, but who they feel an obligation to meet up with in normal times.

Not necessarily true in OP's case, but it's a big assumption that not meeting up is down to fear of covid.

QueenoftheAir · 26/12/2020 21:58

So although your mother sees your children regularly, you think that you're more important than your sister because you have children?

Maybe your mother also wanted to spend time with her other daughter.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 26/12/2020 22:04

It makes sense surely, even if only on a numbers basis?

Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 22:06

@QueenoftheAir er nope definitely not. As I stated in my original post I get frequent guilt trips over her not seeing them as much as she would like to and so being presented with a day that she could legitimately see them I was disappointed she and my sister chose not to as they are with each other every couple of days due to sharing a bubble.

@peapotter I feel your pain, but you have it especially hard- I am sorry Flowers. I quite like a quiet Xmas but thought that it would be a good opportunity, and one we may not have again for a very long time.

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 26/12/2020 22:06

I sympathise op, and I think you’re getting a hard time of it here (possibly from people who are not frazzled after 2 days with hyper kids and no family to share the chaos?)

I think the OP is “getting a hard time” because her replies to some posters have been snippy. A few people have noticed, so it’s not just a misreading of the tone.

You sound like you dislike some of your family, OP, especially your sister. And she would probably describe herself as “child-free” rather than “childless”.

Viviennemary · 26/12/2020 22:09

How can your sisters wife be single. If they live together they count as one household., I'm a bit confused.

Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 22:09

@FamilyOfAliens my sister is one of my bfs! Childless, child free, without children....she definitely wouldn't give two hoots!

"A few people have noticed" seriously, what a thing to say

OP posts:
Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 22:10

@Viviennemary no it's my mother that is single!

OP posts:
ancientgran · 26/12/2020 22:12

Take no notice if she tries to guilt trip you, if you don't want a freezing walk with the little ones she can't see them. They haven't made you number 1, no reason why you have to make them number 1.

Just because you have children doesn't mean you aren't lonely for some adult company.