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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from the aptly named bubble :)

99 replies

Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 19:36

To cut a very long story short we had hoped to see some family on the one permitted day yesterday and yet mine and my hubby's family said no.

If it was due to self isolating and covid then we would have understood but it wasn't.

My mother has created a bubble with my childless sister and my sister's wife (because she is single). We asked if we could have a Christmas meal together yesterday whilst the rules allowed as we have been as isolated as everyone else and thought it would be a missed opportunity if we didn't. My sister said no because her wife did not fancy it. My mother continuously goes on about how much she misses the gran children (our 4 kids, one of whom is not far off newborn) and insists we catch up on walks/ in the park when it's freezing. Usually we would see each other fairly regularly.

My MIL said she was spending it with her brother and brothers girlfriend, this really upset my hubby and we have received texts to state how much the grandchildren were missed this Christmas.

It's been a difficult year especially having a covid newborn.

I am pissed off that my MIL/ Mother/ Sister think it's acceptable to guilt trip is about how much they miss our children and yet when the opportunity allows they have chosen to do other things and see other people.

What do you all think?Flowers

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 26/12/2020 22:14

Ore Covid My in laws would, and still do say they miss the Grandchildren dreadfully. But then they would never come and visit,
It was very hurtful and would happen over and over.
Eventually DH and I would realize it was something they said. And maybe they men it but it wasn’t going to result in any change of behavior by them - eg actually coming to see us.
So instead of believing them we changed tack. A breezy response and the inner realization that it was just works but had no substance behind it in terms of them actually coming to see us. What brought it home was when they were going to be alone for Christmas as we invited them to stay . They said no and then MIL cried on Christmas Day because they were alone. Even tho we had openly and genuinely wanted them to come at stay for Christmas .
So now I and DH don’t let it affect us and life is much better and emotionally fraught. It’s sad as they have missed so much of their growing up but that is their loss unfortunately.

Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 22:14

@ancientgran thank you. I'm really working on the guilt thing but it's so hard! I'll be getting a call in the morning mark my words but I'm determined to be bright and breezy and assertive all at the same time! Confused

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 26/12/2020 22:14

Less emotionally fraught

Viviennemary · 26/12/2020 22:17

Ok thanks. Sorry to be dim.

Mulhollandmagoo · 26/12/2020 22:19

When they text to say how much they missed their grandchildren, I hope you replied accordingly? And with the walks in the park, start saying no. You're absolutely not obliged to haul your four young children out of the house so your mum can spend time with them.

If it's really upsetting you, I would ask why? But in all honesty, I wouldn't bother I'd just quietly alter my relationship with them, become a bit more unavailable to them.

FamilyOfAliens · 26/12/2020 22:21

A few people have noticed" seriously, what a thing to say

You’re right - I should have said “a few people have commented”. But I’m assuming that’s because, like me, they have noticed.

Interesting the way you speak about your sister in your posts and yet you describe her as your best friend. It definitely comes across that you don’t like her, or at best, resent her.

Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 22:22

@Serenschintte Thank you. You have written exactly what I think I was trying to say Grin, we have this with both sets of parents. Relations are good in general...apart from this! I think we just have to accept it's how it is but I'm still very sensitive to it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 22:23

@FamilyOfAliens curious as to when/ where?

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 26/12/2020 22:26

@lifestooshort123

My sister said no because her wife did not fancy it That was rude and if her wife did say it then your sister should have sugar coated it

a couple that also have kids!
Which couple is this?

If your sister and wife would normally be down the pub then they might just not have relished the idea of being stuck with children all day instead of drinking?

There have been some suggestions on here but you've been a bit snippy in response - are you like that with your family and in laws?

This one.
FamilyOfAliens · 26/12/2020 22:27

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

Yeah l think you have been a bit short with your responses, based on that not sure l would want to spend my Christmas with you either to be honest

Are your children well behaved, if not maybe thisbl is why childless couple weren't keen, again sorry l can't stand being around other people's badly behaved kids

This one.
FamilyOfAliens · 26/12/2020 22:27

@SilentlyLaughing

There have been some suggestions on here but you've been a bit snippy in response - are you like that with your family and in laws?

That’s what I was wondering!

This one.
Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 22:29

@FamilyOfAliens I didn't write those posts. I'm a bit lost.

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 26/12/2020 22:30

Those posts are from people who have noticed you are being snippy.

Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 22:33

@FamilyOfAliens ah I see. I asked for examples of when I came across as not liking my own sister. I see your agenda is to try and oust me as a snippy/ unpleasant person. Why would you want to do that? I've not been rude, cruel or unpleasant. I'm guilty of not writing very well that's for sure but that's about it. You are being mean and trying to make someone who is clearly feeling shit feel shitter... and I've no idea why.

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noloh1 · 26/12/2020 22:37

I think you’re getting a hard time. I think the likelihood is people want to spend the only day that they’re allowed to, with like minded adults where they can relax and get pissed without children running around. It is a bit shit though. I haven’t been invited anywhere either.

FamilyOfAliens · 26/12/2020 22:39

I asked for examples of when I came across as not liking my own sister.

No you didn’t, you didn’t quote a post of mine, you just posted “curious as to when/where?”

You do come across as snippy - I didn’t say “unpleasant person”, those are your words.

But if you want everyone to make you feel better, rather than be honest about how you come across, maybe avoid AIBU.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/12/2020 22:39

Stop taking it personally
Unless there is backstory (which there doesn’t appear to be) they are managing risk

So many offended threads it baffles me

MeringueCloud · 26/12/2020 22:40

With limited number of guests, limited time to see people, after a difficulty year for many people I wouldn't take it personally. If your family has been the chosen ones your sister would probably have been upset instead.

Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 22:43

@FamilyOfAliens I don't have the best writing but I would say you are using my question to your own, bizarre, advantage. Thanks for the tip but you know what I never personally attack other people. Opinions of the situation, yes. Personal attack, no.

Feel free to quote where you feel I've been snippy and where you feel I have shown I don't like my own sister if you really feel you need to further your agenda.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2020 22:46

I see your agenda is to try and oust me as a snippy/ unpleasant person. Why would you want to do that? I've not been rude, cruel or unpleasant.

Goodness, the PP hasn't got a huge vendetta against you, they are saying that if a few people (see her examples) think you've been snippy then maybe that's due to your tone, not to them being wrong or having a personal agenda against you.

Also no you haven't been cruel or rude or terribly unpleasant but you have (IMO and others') been snippy, combative and seemingly unaware of your tone.

Nobody is saying you're a massive arsehole or nasty! You are just coming across as being very disproportionately short with people who are commenting on a thread you started with their opinions. Which is what a forum is for - sharing opinions.

FamilyOfAliens · 26/12/2020 22:47

[quote Enmeshednomore]@FamilyOfAliens I don't have the best writing but I would say you are using my question to your own, bizarre, advantage. Thanks for the tip but you know what I never personally attack other people. Opinions of the situation, yes. Personal attack, no.

Feel free to quote where you feel I've been snippy and where you feel I have shown I don't like my own sister if you really feel you need to further your agenda.[/quote]
No agenda, just saying what I see about how you come across, as have other posters.

LolaSmiles · 26/12/2020 22:53

It sounds like people want to have a child free christmas and an adult christmas celebration that involves enjoying a drink on the one day that it's allowed.
I can understand why they might opt to do that rather than have several children come round at the point when people are finally realising that children are spreading covid but have spent the last 16 weeks with zero distancing from their peers.

For what it's worth, your posts do seem snippy OP. I appreciate there might be a backstory with you and your mum, but I entirely understand why someone might want to see children outdoors and not spend the one day socialising is allowed cooped up with kids.

Popgoesthebubble · 26/12/2020 23:05

So your mum is an alcoholic, and your SIL etc would prefer to spend Christmas in the pub? That's fundamentally an incompatible way of spending Christmas then with 4 kids aged under 5. I think it's an either or, not both, and that after so long not able to see people, I can understand why people are wanting to prioritise their own Christmas this year. I do appreciate it's a bit rubbish for your though and it would have been nice if they could have seen you first, even if then the rest of the day was drinking without you.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2020 23:09

I have said it, someone else has picked up on it, 2 more people have mentioned it, but yes l'm being rude or whatever because l observed a tone. Anyone that agrees with you is correct. Uh huh.

I asked a question about the behaviour of your children that went unanswered.

Original poster
Enmeshednomore · 26/12/2020 23:15

@Popgoesthebubble yes I guess it isn't compatible but like you say it would have been nice to catch up for a couple hours.

OP posts: