To feel insulted to have my parenting described as "laissez-faire"?

[mistletoeandsigh]

That's it, really 😬 My boyfriend said that knowing my personality he wasn't too shocked to find that my parenting is quite "laissez-faire". We knew each other for many years before getting together. I do things with my children (more when it's not this corona filled life...), look after their needs, talk to them. I am quite relaxed about most things, except rudeness.

I have a decent career and have been a single parent for some time. I have lots of interests outside of family and enjoy getting out when the children are with their dad.

I just wondered whether it's a bit insulting. I didn't say anything at the time but felt a bit sad later, thinking I might be seen as a poor parent. Would you take this as an insult, or am I reading too much into it?

Does he have children? If not then I don’t think he has a clue, really.

You sound like the sort of parent I’d aspire to. Relaxed but firm when it matters.

Are they free range?

A relaxed and happy parent with other interests in life sounds perfect. The alternative is uptight, strict, controlling, obsessive and insular?

Depends what it's about really. People say that about me because I let my kids climb stuff and don't hover over them. I think that physical confidence is a building block of good self esteem so fuck that.
It generally means they wouldn't do it that way. And that's fine.

Context needed.

@GreyishDays

Does he have children? If not then I don’t think he has a clue, really.

No, he doesn't have any

That's climb stuff in the playground, not wild parkour.

Sounds good to me.

Well if he doesn’t have any himself he won’t understand about picking your battles etc.

@TeenageMutantNinjaCovid

Are they free range?

Haha, I don't think so... I'm not a helicopter parent but I step in if there's throwing / shouting / general unruliness.

This is probably because he bubbled with us during lockdown when I was trying to work and homeschool whilst looking after a pre schooler too.

I guess it was maybe meant as opposed to a helicopter parent? FWIW I’m also quite relaxed about a lot of things compared to many on mumsnet (screen time, sweets, curfews for teens, etc) so I guess I could be called “laissez faire” as well. Only context would tell if it was a positive, negative, or neutral description.

I would feel insulted by that , but it depends upon his intentions and what he understands by the term ‘laissez-faire’. I would feel someone who said that was accusing me of having lax boundaries, but he may have meant ‘relaxed and child-led’ , which is not bad at all. Maybe ask him to clarify?

Did he mean it as a criticism? Or an observation?

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

Context needed.

Well, we were chatting about parenting and how it's harder than you would imagine pre kids. He said it's harder than he would have thought. Then added that little nugget about my parenting being laissez-faire. I asked what his parents were like, and he said "Pretty relaxed over all, but not anywhere near as relaxed as you are!"

It touched a nerve. I often feel there's nowhere near as much time as I would like to do things. I pick my battles as otherwise I would spend the whole time in some joyless role, just barking orders.

@HelloDulling

Did he mean it as a criticism? Or an observation?

Hard to tell! He's very non confrontational and wouldn't have wanted an argument. But may have wanted to slip it in there that I'm a bit too hands off.

I wouldn't take as an insult as it's my style of parenting. It's choice Ive made, I'm not offended by other parents choosing to do it differently or commenting on that. My DC are older now and I wouldn't make a different choice if I had my time again.

If you're happy with your style it doesn't really matter what he thinks.

"Well, we were chatting about parenting and how it's harder than you would imagine pre kids. He said it's harder than he would have thought. Then added that little nugget about my parenting being laissez-faire. I asked what his parents were like, and he said "Pretty relaxed over all, but not anywhere near as relaxed as you are!" "

Yes, in that context I'd take it as an insult. And a passive-aggressive insult at that, the knob.

From your description your parenting sounds pretty good to me and what I aspired to.

Sounds laid back to me, which would be neutral/good.

Personally I'd take it as a compliment if someone said I was a relaxed parent. Much better than being a strict, shouty parent! I do try to say yes rather than no to my kids (and they're all kind and well behaved). I can see how it could be an insult though.

Laissez-faire as in relaxed, not controlling, not hovering, not stressed or shouting all the time - very good

Laissez-faire as in the kind of parent who lets their DC run riot around restaurants/pubs - very bad

Hmm. It'd make me rethink my relationship with him for sure.

What does he expect? Mary Poppins?

Mmm I’m not sure I’d take it as an insult, more an observation. I’d ask him though - “you know you said my parenting was laissez faire? Well I’m irked - it came out as an insult, was it meant to be?”

Commenting on parenting is the easiest thing to do, whether you have them or not. We all do it so differently. But actually the only people who it affects are you and your children in terms of all your happiness and their personal development. Unless they’re the sort who are feral and if so then that’s obviously not good if it affects others.

Pick your battles is usually good advice. It can mean though that people let too much slide under the guise of picking their battles. From what at you say it doesn’t sound as though you do.

As a parent, you learn to pick your battles pretty quickly. I'd interfere if my DS was running riot at a restaurant but I wouldn't expect him at just short of 3 to spend hours sitting nicely and listening to adults chatting.

If he was judging you trying to combine wfh and parenting during lockdown, that's pretty unfair. I think most of us delegated our parenting duties to Cbeebies for those weeks.

I describe my own parenting as laissez faire. To me it is a badge of honour! Like you, I don’t things with them, keep them clean and fed, help with homework. I’d actually say I’m very engaged with them. But if it’s not hurting anyone and they’re not being rude to anyone (including me) I let them crack on. They’re actually very well mannered children who are good and judging risk themselves- maybe because I let them.