To feel insulted to have my parenting described as "laissez-faire"?

[mistletoeandsigh]

That's it, really 😬 My boyfriend said that knowing my personality he wasn't too shocked to find that my parenting is quite "laissez-faire". We knew each other for many years before getting together. I do things with my children (more when it's not this corona filled life...), look after their needs, talk to them. I am quite relaxed about most things, except rudeness.

I have a decent career and have been a single parent for some time. I have lots of interests outside of family and enjoy getting out when the children are with their dad.

I just wondered whether it's a bit insulting. I didn't say anything at the time but felt a bit sad later, thinking I might be seen as a poor parent. Would you take this as an insult, or am I reading too much into it?

That was a bit passive aggressive of him. Not cool.

FWIW Your parenting sound like mine including the views on rudeness.

It could be a positive - but it sounds like it might be bit passive aggressive. Living with someone with kids who is also trying to work when you don't have kids yourself is probably a bit of an eye opener though.
I'd just ask him to clarify.

I think you just need to ask him what he meant by it.

@GreyishDays

Does he have children? If not then I don’t think he has a clue, really.

This 100%. It’s all theoretical for people who don’t have kids to pass judgment on others. Would take it more seriously from someone who’s been in the situation. Does he have kids?

@gannett

Laissez-faire as in relaxed, not controlling, not hovering, not stressed or shouting all the time - very good

Laissez-faire as in the kind of parent who lets their DC run riot around restaurants/pubs - very bad

I do get a bit stressed, I'm not happy all the time. Especially when there's a lot to do at once.

I'm not very strict on screen time, as I feel the older one (10) doesn't have anything fun to do and hasn't been able to see friends and family much in nearly a year. I don't say they have to clear their plates at mealtimes, but decent inroads should be made if they then want dessert. That kind of thing.

It completely depends on context. If you feel it’s an unfair comment then discuss it with him to find out what he means. He may have been trying to pay you a compliment to say you’re not an over the top parent who cocoons your little darlings in cotton wool. As you say he hasn’t got kids himself so may not interpret parenting styles in the same way you would. At least give him the benefit of the doubt until you’ve had a chance to discuss properly

PenguinBarnotBird he's not a parent, no

I'd take it as a compliment tbh. Better than the opposite, that's for sure. But maybe that says more about me than you!

It depends on the tone, but I'm guessing he has noticed that you don't intervene on some occasions where he would. He may be wrong, he may be right, you don't need to worry about it unless you are planning to have kids with him.

Everyone gauges it differently, and everyone thinks they are right. I have friends who would say I'm lax for letting DS(6) run ahead when walking or decline to eat something he dislikes. I have friends I consider lax for letting their children shout at them or kick their garden to bits (I have learned to say nothing, because if I do I will receive comments suggesting my DC has clearly had the spirit crushed out of him). The truth is, the DC will generally turn out fine in the end.

I disagree that people without children can't have a valid opinion on this. I was perfectly capable of spotting different parenting styles long before I had DS.

If he is from the 'School of Derek Trotter' could he have meant someting completely different?

I'd consider that a compliment!

Is it possible that he thinks it means relaxed?

I think it is an odd thing to say.

I'd be concerned if he was passing comment and he isn't the children's father to be honest - because it could be a slippery slope. "You're laid back" can quickly become "you need to be tougher" So, I mean I'm sure he's very nice, but just be alert to any encouragement to change that he might give you.

That's the thing with partners who move in...

As I say, I'm sure he is very nice and good to you etc, but coercive behaviour starts off with passive aggressive undertones. Usually about parenting style.

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

If he is from the 'School of Derek Trotter' could he have meant someting completely different?

He's rather more intelligent than Del Boy

I would take it as a compliment. I am very relaxed, but I have firm boundaries in place which the children have learned to respect and follow. It means we dont need to be all tense and there isnt telling off or shouting or anything.
And it works. All the stuff on here yesterday about ungrateful kids; I cant even imagine mine behaving like that when given a gift. Tantrums when asked to do thing; unheard of here.
Of course the behave badly sometimes but when I tell them off, they understand how serious that is because we're usually so chilled out in this house. I'm a single parent too so its also pretty much my decision.

God everyone is a brilliant parent till they have children.

No, I wouldn't take that as a criticism. I am much like yourself. I grew up with an uptight, shouty mother who never really let me relax so I have went the opposite way and our house is very laid back as is my parenting. My daughter seems happy. I think it's a good thing.

Ha! Bit like my brother, in his 40s with no kids, he says I am very (too?) relaxed and that he would be a lot more strict ... I just smile

I let my brother’s comments slide off me like water off a duck’s back, as people who don’t have kids just don’t know shat they are talking about

Also, I like being a relaxed parent. You can be relaxed and yet have firm boundaries imo

Sounds like it was subtle criticism.

In the exceptional circumstances this year many of us have had parenting challenges.

He has no DC so his opinion is likely to be uninformed! V tricky to have him living with you due to covid rather than as a planned thing, following discussions about the DC etc.

I am very uptight I’d love my parenting style to be described in such terms. It sounds like you’re doing a great job.

Read this article, In Defence of Laissez-faire Parenting: www.wsj.com/articles/BL-JB-13924

He might mean laid back/chilled in a good way?

I think it depends on what he means by it. If he means you have no control and your kids are feral, then that’s not good.

However, if it means that your parenting style is relaxed and not too strict, then it could be good.

Its difficult because as a parent I find I 'tune out' a lot of annoying behaviour. I've had boyfriends who have criticised behaviour that wasn't bad. They didn't last long. I don't want to sound big headed but I think I have brought my children up well.
As a PP said you pick your battles.
Some people still think children should be seen and not heard.

I think you are reading too much into it. I wouldn’t be insulted and your parenting style sounds good to me. Too many of us totally mollycoddle our children these days (me included at times). I would just let it go and be glad you have a BF who is smart/educated enough to drop ‘ laissez-faire’ into conversation. It’s a notch above many of the BFs who get posted about on here.