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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend gave her present back to SIL

88 replies

Tsubasa1 · 26/12/2020 12:33

A close friend of mine got given a handbag for Christmas by her partners' sister. She told me it was horrible and she gave it back to SIL (not sure what reason she gave to SIL). She also got given a wallet and top by SIL and is considering returning them to her as she doesn't like them either. I told her I thought it was rude, but even the other friend in my WhatsApp group agrees with her. Aibu to think this is bonkers? Is this a new thing now to not accept a gift if you don't like it?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2020 13:54

Ah I see there is more to it. Not the same as me.

FiftyShadesOfTaupe · 26/12/2020 13:55

@Whatwouldscullydo "But what if this gift was another on a long line.of piss takes and passive aggressive bollocks and the friend finally put a stop to it once and for all...."

Because she would have started the conversation with "I've finally put a stop to all this passive aggressive bollocks once and for all....."

Also, when you don't react to people, they stop. It wouldn't have continued for so long.

Original poster
Tsubasa1 · 26/12/2020 13:55

You can all see from backstory that SIL is not a saint! But her husband died a year ago and her parents are dead too. I feel sorry for her in a way. Obviously doesn't make the threatening okay.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/12/2020 13:55

[quote Tsubasa1]@Puzzledandpissedoff Grin
@FiftyShadesOfTaupe i'm slightly concerned
@Whatwouldscullydo I'm going to be honest, it's a complicated backstory. Apparently SIL threatend her twice in the past, once before Christmas. Friend's partner doesn't want to ruin Christmas so deffered speaking to her till after Christmas. But my friend's partner doesn't want to tell his sister that they're together so when asked, they tell her that they're just friends that live together (also bonkers!). They are hiding their relationship like teenagers, and her OH is 40 years old! Sometimes feels like her OH is trying to piss off his sister or likes creating the rift between them. I'm really perplexed at the whole thing and think it's really unhealthy.[/quote]
That does not fit with the sort of presents that the SIL gave to your friend.
No one would give the "just a friend" of their brother gifts like that. They would also wonder why the fuck the "just a friend" of their brother was coming to Christmas lunch so I'm guessing that the SIL knows full well that your friend is more than "just a friend" to her partner.

Mamanyt · 26/12/2020 13:56

If you are that close to your friend, tell her that you found it rude.

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/12/2020 13:57

Actually I'm thinking I'm.more team friend now.

She has a partner to embarrassed to tell family about her, has been threatened by said family whike partner did nothing and is deliberately making things worse amd she probably just snapped at then having to pretend to be grateful for a present she didn't ask for from someone who has threatened her...

Mydogmylife · 26/12/2020 13:58

@Tsubasa1

The backstory is that they aren't close and there is conflict between them. However, she told me SIL hosted Christmas, cooked the whole Christmas meal and cooked a different dish for my friend, as she didn't like the main dish. I feel like my friend is being ungrateful. Obviously I won't tell her that!
Sorry your friend sounds rude and ungrateful. If she is a good friend why don't you feel you can say that to her? Has she form for this kind of behaviour ?
Original poster
Tsubasa1 · 26/12/2020 13:59

@Whatwouldscullydo I'm pissed off with her partner too, he sounds awful! But believe me my friend loves hiding the relationship from her because "shes a bi**h, so deserves it". She says she feels sorry for the SIL (with the bereavement) but I don't believe it.

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 26/12/2020 14:00

Ooooh cross post with backstory! Whole thing sounds a total mess and I couldn't be bothered with all the drama

Original poster
Tsubasa1 · 26/12/2020 14:01

@Mummyoflittledragon sorry to be drip feeding!

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 26/12/2020 14:02

A partner dying is something you wouldn't wish on anyone so it's possible she does.

I have to admit occasionally I have also thought " ha serves u right" kinda thing when something ( not a death obviously) happens.. or u don't tell them something. I think.its just a way to let out the frustration more than anything
It is very hard to watch others fawn over someone and sing their praises when u know they aren't who everyone thinks they are.

jessstan1 · 26/12/2020 14:03

Two 'got givens' aye :-)?

You are quite right, it was appallingly rude.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/12/2020 14:03

Sounds like a really weird relationship. Does your friend love drama?

Original poster
Tsubasa1 · 26/12/2020 14:04

@Whatwouldscullydo maybe you have a point there. I've never met said partner or his sister so maybe I'm not judging the situation properly. What I find strange is that she hasn't told her mother they are together. It makes me wondet wether she gets a kick out of lying to her relatives.

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 26/12/2020 14:07

Why would you tell your family about a relationship that your partner won't tell anyone about either. Its embarrassing having to make excuses as to why normal things like visiting family together or sending a joint card is seemingly mot possible. I know I couldn't be arsed to have to answer 20 questions from.my parents as to why I had ti arrive somewhere separately or keep a secret...

Coyrse u know her best so maybe shoe does like the drama.. only she k.lws that

Original poster
Tsubasa1 · 26/12/2020 14:08

@ThumbWitchesAbroad of course SIL knows. Maybe its just some mental game they are playing with her? I'm sorry I just can't comprehend the pair of them.

OP posts:
Unicant · 26/12/2020 14:09

not sure aboit this one. Can't pick an answer. On the one hand it is quite rude to return a gift like that... but on the other its a very bad idea to pick out such a personal taste gift as a handbag for someone you don't know extremelywell and dont know for sure they'd like it.

stovetopespresso · 26/12/2020 14:10

ask her, gently, what she hopes to achieve by giving those gifts back

burnoutbabe · 26/12/2020 14:10

If u got expensive gifts that were totally not my taste I'd ask to exchange them if possible (for similar but different size or colour so I appreciated the thought)
Why keep something expensive you will never use?

But that would mostly be my mum who gives me receipts at Xmas as well as the items.

Cooking a special meal for Xmas could just mean a veggie meal? Normal hosting? I assume friend attended Xmas day to make partner happy, not as she was that fussed on going?

Shinyletsbebadguys · 26/12/2020 14:13

Hmm if I was you I would be wondering why I was friends with her. There seems a lot of drama and behaviour from your friend not matching up. If he is keeping her a secret its bloody wierd but are you sure it's true?

With the presents though , I'm not on the MN line that all adults should be grateful for some dust at the bottom of the wrapping paper ,but it is beyond childish for a 28 year old woman to whinge she always gets shit gifts and her behaviour around sil present is genuinely disgusting.

I grant you it's not the same but last year DP brothers (both autistic one relatively severely) bought me a diary and a handbag. I was over the moon. I don't have a single need for either and neither are even close to my taste. But you know what , they got them off of their own back (I mean sort of ,one asked DP mum to get it as he wanted to get a present for shiny but insisted the diary was something perfect for me as I was a business person ....love that guy ).

Neither of them had bought presents for women other than their dm before. I was over the moon , this was their way of showing I mattered to them and I was part of the family. You had better believe I will use that handbag when I see them (I grant you at no other time but when I see them) and I took photos of writing in the diary to send to bil.

I would rather have a pointless diary and an awful handbag and happy bil than be a grabby self involved woman child.

She needs to seriously question her values in life.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2020 14:15

Is this a story line from Eastenders? So perplexing to me, the dramatic way that some families live.....

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/12/2020 14:15

If u got expensive gifts that were totally not my taste I'd ask to exchange them if possible (for similar but different size or colour so I appreciated the thought)
Why keep something expensive you will never use?

If the SIL doesn't like her then they would unlikely be expensive would they? Probably a re gift or charity shop job at best a full on piss take at worse. If you know its all gonna be opened infront of others it's the price opportunity to get a dig in there knowing full well theres nothing they can do about it

Original poster
Tsubasa1 · 26/12/2020 14:19

@Shinyletsbebadguys I loved your story, that's so sweet that you were so thankful and thrilled with BILs present! (Even if it wasn't to your taste!)

OP posts:
Vitaminsss · 26/12/2020 14:20

Why do you care?

No one should buy things like handbags or clothes for distant in laws. They’re not close so there is a high chance the clothes would be something the other wouldn’t like, so it’s a waste of money all around. Gift receipts to allow an exchange are key here.

Otherwise if sil gets the gifts back, she can return them for her money back. She doesn’t have to replace the gift. No point gifting something the other wouldn’t use as it would end up being binned or passed on, so it would never be enjoyed as intended

EleanorRigbyWasReal · 26/12/2020 14:20

And this is why our family no longer “do” gifts. It’s all selfish twaddle.