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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my marriage is over

69 replies

Dogsaremyfavorite · 26/12/2020 12:28

What I’m about to describe is not just this Christmas it’s every year... it often and I’m exhausted.

My DH is a good man who provides well but that is where his responsibility ends... his free time he does his all consuming hobby, 3/4 hours per day minimum, social media for minimum 20 hours per week and he has a full time job. I am craving connection, intimacy emotionally and physically things have been a non event for a long time.

I make a lot of effort to make our family life fun and make memories.... but between all of the time my husband has between his activities he sleeps and our conversations are superficial and he cannot do depth.

I feel empty and alone. Christmas exasperated this for me... got up together to open gifts with our children, then he went back to sleep until Christmas lunch, which I prepared alone the entire morning. This is not the first Christmas like this....

I just want to move on with my life, I feel done talking about this with him.

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street.

I feel stuck.

Aibu to think there must be more?! Or is this really what marriage is supposed to be like?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/12/2020 12:33

Oh he's not going to end his life! In fact in all likelihood he'll be living with someone else within a month.

He just wants you there to do all the housework and cooking. I don't blame you for not wanting to put up with a relationship like this.

Pumpkinstace · 26/12/2020 12:34

The threats are emotional abuse designed to guilt you into not ending things.

He wouldn't actually do those things, he thinks too highly of himself to do that.

Fudgsicles · 26/12/2020 12:35

He isn't going to end his life or live on the street, those are empty threats to keep you there because he knows without you he will have to do more with his life than working and doing hi hobby. He doesn't want to give up the fact that you keep his home and children.

Divorce him and move on. Life is too short and he has repeatedly shown you that you are not a priority in his life, but a convenience

IMNOTSHOUTING · 26/12/2020 12:36

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street.

That sounds like pure manipulation to me. He had this conversation a month ago and yet despite being so devoted to you he'd end his life ie the marriage ended he's made no effort since then.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 26/12/2020 12:39

Definitely time to call it a day, sounds like there’s no point being married to him as he’s just not present in your life as a couple and family. The emotional abuse (the blackmail, saying he will end his life etc) would seal his fate. It suits him being married to you as you do everything for the family so he has time to indulge himself. He’s got a great deal out of this one sided set up that’s why he’s threatened to end his life and all that shit.

ReallySpicyCurry · 26/12/2020 12:40

End his life indeed. He'll do nothing of the sort. He's already replaced you with the hobby (what on earth is it? Is it connected with the social media?)

Shoxfordian · 26/12/2020 12:41

He is just trying to manipulate you
Make some steps towards ending the relationship

zzizz · 26/12/2020 12:41

"Do what I want or I'll kill myself" is hugely abusive of him OP. Get out and look after yourself.

Original poster
Dogsaremyfavorite · 26/12/2020 12:44

Maybe this sounds naive... but how do you just decide to divorce? Do you agree to divorce or see an attorney and make your intentions clear and let it happen that way.

When I talk to him, we just go around the same circles and he’s really good at twisting things and making me apologize to him for being upset with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogsaremyfavorite · 26/12/2020 12:46

Yes his hobby is connected to social media. Photography. He has many followers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogsaremyfavorite · 26/12/2020 12:48

I wrote this to him 3 months ago....

Do you know how much I love you?
It hurts to even say.
I know you love me,
But I find myself thinking, gosh what a day?
Too few moments shared, your kisses are few... is it a reflection of me?
Or a reflection of you?
I find myself lonely.
I love being one of two.
But all the gold and goodies don’t mean anything if I don’t have your time & attention, if I don’t have you.
Your time is so precious, the fish once knew, then it was golf, back to fish and now the birds too.
I know these birds fly, I wonder if I can too.
But we made a promise for good or for bad, in sickness in health, I know these we do but day to day I’m alone wondering where are you?

I don’t think it will change but can I stay and be true to my needs if it doesn’t?
You are my husband and the father of our kids.
But I miss my friend, I miss my lover.
Instagram famous but they won’t love you like I do.

Where do we go from here? Can we work to build vision? I don’t want to survive.
My dream is to thrive.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/12/2020 12:49

The trick is to say what you have to say, "This isn't working out for me. It's not what I want in a marriage and I don't love you any more. I'm going to see a solicitor on Monday to start divorce proceedings" and then leave the room (preferably leave the house - go for a walk or to the shop - put some distance between you) - this stops him from blaming/begging/threatening you. I would say it the day before I saw the solicitor.

CynsterBitch · 26/12/2020 12:50

Put yourself and your well-being first, he is trying to control you with these threats but don’t let him.
You are allowed to be happy and live your life. Wish you all the best for 2021

SimplyRadishing · 26/12/2020 12:51

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street.
He is not a good man

I could not live like this and would seek a divorce

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/getting-a-divorce/

oakleaffy · 26/12/2020 12:53

@Pumpkinstace

The threats are emotional abuse designed to guilt you into not ending things.

He wouldn't actually do those things, he thinks too highly of himself to do that.

This.

It is pure manipulation.

zzizz · 26/12/2020 12:54

Tell him you need to talk, then talk. Keep repeating yourself calmly. Be braced and ready for his reactions this time - practice in advance what you'll do and say when he threatens to kill himself. Have an escape plan for if he gets angry.

Maybe see if you can talk to a therapist to help talk some things over for yourself too?

Meowchickameowmeow · 26/12/2020 12:54

He's not going to end his life or live under a bridge, he's manipulating you and enjoying the fact that you're so desperate for his attention and love that you'll go along with anything.
He's not a good man if he doesn't even try to meet the most basic of your needs, he's selfish and clueless.
I think you'd be much happier alone that constantly begging for crumbs from someone who doesn't give a crap.

User0ne · 26/12/2020 12:55

What Imnotshouting said.

You've had enough, you've put up with it for years, he's made no effort to change despite you being clear about how it makes you feel.

You don't want a relationship with him so don't have one.

Original poster
Dogsaremyfavorite · 26/12/2020 12:57

I’ve spoken it through with my therapist... she knows this is where my head is at. I just feel so disillusioned atm.

OP posts:
willowmelangell · 26/12/2020 12:59

He is trying emotional blackmail to manipulate you into keeping quiet.
He wants things to remain exactly how they are. You run the house, 100% care for dc and enable him to live like a single man.
I am going to mention that one January I went to solicitors to enquire about divorce and got my Decree Absolute by end October. I had 1 dd

Take a few minutes today to look up cms payments and look at what rental properties are available near schools. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Try for a solicitors appointment in January and you will be armed with that information before you make a firm decision.
If you do decide it is best for you and dc to leave, he won't be surprised because you have talked to him before. Maybe his ego will be shocked.
Your well being and your dc top trump any marriage vows.

lilylongjohn · 26/12/2020 13:01

I'd see a solicitor, take their advice as to the logistics, squirrel away paperwork and documents you need, and then kick off the divorce. THEN I'd tell him, 'dh as I previously said, I no longer want to be married to you so I've seen a solicitor and I'm divorcing you' then go out the house for a while.

If he threatens suicide then call the police. It's pure manipulation tactics. If he really did love you to the extend he was willing to end his life, I'm sure he'd want to see you Christmas morning and help with dinner. He's talking shit and emotionally manipulative

SpaceOp · 26/12/2020 13:03

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street.

In light of this I am assuming there's a whole lot more wrong with your relationship that you probably don't even see as this is highly emotionally abusive and quite extreme so I am guessing there are a million other little things he does.

I would see a solicitor first. Then just tell him what's happening. If he threatens, tell him that those are his decisions, not yours and you're not taking responsibility for them.

YellowHighlighterPen · 26/12/2020 13:05

You are his wife appliance.
You don't need to live like this.
He won't kill himself or become homeless.
You've given him every chance to change his ways and he just doesn't love you enough to do so.
You need to decide what you want and then tell him clearly and calmly that your marriage is over.

HannaYeah · 26/12/2020 13:08

Sit him down one more time. “I am miserable and lonely. This is a problem that must be solved or I am going to make changes to solve it myself.”

See where the conversation goes. Yell and scream if needed to get his attention.

You don’t deserve to live like this so I’d give it a shot then start making plans if he does not commit to change.

Is he depressed? People who ignore the real world for social media and/or hobbies seem depressed to me.

Taikoo · 26/12/2020 13:10

He's a dickhead, as soon as possible in 2021, start divorce proceedings. I agree that he'll have shacked up with a new pair of knickers by valentine's day.