Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my marriage is over

69 replies

Dogsaremyfavorite · 26/12/2020 12:28

What I’m about to describe is not just this Christmas it’s every year... it often and I’m exhausted.

My DH is a good man who provides well but that is where his responsibility ends... his free time he does his all consuming hobby, 3/4 hours per day minimum, social media for minimum 20 hours per week and he has a full time job. I am craving connection, intimacy emotionally and physically things have been a non event for a long time.

I make a lot of effort to make our family life fun and make memories.... but between all of the time my husband has between his activities he sleeps and our conversations are superficial and he cannot do depth.

I feel empty and alone. Christmas exasperated this for me... got up together to open gifts with our children, then he went back to sleep until Christmas lunch, which I prepared alone the entire morning. This is not the first Christmas like this....

I just want to move on with my life, I feel done talking about this with him.

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street.

I feel stuck.

Aibu to think there must be more?! Or is this really what marriage is supposed to be like?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2020 17:40

"He made me a cup of tea an hour ago and I find myself thinking that’s the most selfless thing he’s done in weeks for me or anyone else."

That's so sad Sad. Like I said - he is NOT a good man.

Melonlover80 · 26/12/2020 17:47

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street.

That response alone would mean I’d walk away

billy1966 · 26/12/2020 17:55

Neither a good man, father nor husband.

His threat to kill himself tells me he is a selfish pig.

Go see a solicitor, get a recommendation if possible and follow instructions.

He has abandoned his children and wife in all but name.

Don't waste any more time.

Take action so that this user doesn't live with you any more.

You sound lovely.
Flowers

2bazookas · 26/12/2020 18:23

how do you just decide to divorce? 

 You have to decide for yourself. If  the relationship has run dry and  YOU no longer want to be with him, it doesn't matter what he thinks or wants or threatens.  It's over.

 Now you're going to make a singleton life and have a lot of practical and financial decisions to make  Can you support yourself? Do you  own or rent your home?   Move out, or sell?
LadyLightning · 26/12/2020 18:38

You deserve better. And however upsetting it may be, threatening to kill yourself when someone says they are unhappy and want to leave is emotional blackmail. Anyone who stoops to that is not worth being in a relationship with.

Socialmediashy · 26/12/2020 20:23

What 2bazookas said.

Don’t make my mistake of trying to persuade him to agree to divorce.

If that’s what you decide to do, tell him, don’t ask his permission or opinion

Mummyshark2019 · 26/12/2020 20:50

Do you have to move out when you divorce or do you have to live under the same roof? Following this thread as going through similar....

Nsky · 26/12/2020 21:04

He has everything laid on for him, you are not a servant, no wonder he’s ok with stuff.
Get a life, without you deserve it

TooOldforBouncyCastles · 26/12/2020 21:09

I had divorce inertia. He didn’t want to but nor did he do anything to make it work. We wasted many years discussing and never going through with it.

You need to identify your tipping point and then just say I’m going to petition for divorce. We need to discuss how this will be least harmful to everyone.

Littleyell · 26/12/2020 21:12

Can you try and get an outlet for yourself OP? Do you have a hobby? Do you work?

electronVolt · 26/12/2020 21:15

He made me a cup of tea an hour ago and I find myself thinking that’s the most selfless thing he’s done in weeks for me or anyone else

That is so fucking sad.

Like everyone else said. Not a good man.

katy1213 · 26/12/2020 21:18

The only answer when someone makes empty threats to end their life is "That's entirely up to you." And if he wants to live on the street, tell him there's a few cardboard boxes in the recycling.

AlternativePerspective · 26/12/2020 21:19

He won’t end his life. And even if he did, there’s nothing you could do about it, and it would happen regardless of whether you divorced him, so I would put that threat out of your head for a start.

And he won’t go and live on the streets, how on earth will he talk to his instagram followers without a computer/mobile phone/WiFi connection. Clearly his following is important to him, he’s not going to let that go is he?

So next time he makes those kinds of threats I would just say “well, sorry you feel that way, but I can’t be held responsible for the decisions you make, now we need to talk about how we’re going to divide up the assets and access re the DC.”

katy1213 · 26/12/2020 21:20

But don't worry about him.His bike will keep him warm!

JingleJohnsJulie · 26/12/2020 21:23

Gather as much information as you can on any finances he has, savings, shares, other properties.

You can file for Divorce online by yourself. You only really need a Solicitor fir the Financial application.

JingleJohnsJulie · 26/12/2020 21:25

Forgot that years ago my DF had the same said to her when she was trying to end a long term relationship. Her response was "well you know where the paracetamol are".

It was obviously an empty threat and he was with someone else within 6 weeks.

Taikoo · 27/12/2020 01:30

You do know you need to divorce him, right?
You're surely not going to hang on being miserable for yet another year, are you?

You do realise that if you started divorce proceeding in January you'd be rid of this loser twat by Xmas 2021.

RBaims · 27/12/2020 02:11

You sound like you described my old friends relationship.
Her partner threatened to take his life multiple times, every time she threatened to leave. It got so bad at one point she nearly took her life as she saw that as her only way out. He wasn't physically abusive and was a nice guy but there was nothing between them any more and she wanted to leave. Finally she left and all hell broke lose with him threatening to end it. Eventually we sent the police around and he was fine, sat playing his PlayStation!
If it's over, leave. Life really is too short. You'll end up resenting him, and as much as people stay together for the kids, they will pick up on it more than you know.
My parents divorced, and it's the best thing they could have done.
Sit down and talk to him. If he does mention taking his life, suggest a talking therapist for him or call his GP and they can arrange it for him if he really does need the help.
He cannot use that to make you stick around.

Original poster
Dogsaremyfavorite · 27/12/2020 06:41

Been reading all the responses again and I know what I need to do.

I love him but while he gets comfort knowing his family is home waiting for him... I feel alone during much of my life.

I do work, I love what I do. I have taken up an old hobby I once loved again. And I love my family and dogs.... so this is where I put my time and energy, friends too. I’ve spent the best part of the last decade in therapy dealing with my baggage and life. I feel strong and I’m not allowing myself to question my own reality or sanity anymore... try to catch and stop myself when I do.

The cup of tea made me feel a tinge of guilt though... stupidly, because I know it is a lot for him.

Onwards and upwards...

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread