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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my marriage is over

69 replies

Dogsaremyfavorite · 26/12/2020 12:28

What I’m about to describe is not just this Christmas it’s every year... it often and I’m exhausted.

My DH is a good man who provides well but that is where his responsibility ends... his free time he does his all consuming hobby, 3/4 hours per day minimum, social media for minimum 20 hours per week and he has a full time job. I am craving connection, intimacy emotionally and physically things have been a non event for a long time.

I make a lot of effort to make our family life fun and make memories.... but between all of the time my husband has between his activities he sleeps and our conversations are superficial and he cannot do depth.

I feel empty and alone. Christmas exasperated this for me... got up together to open gifts with our children, then he went back to sleep until Christmas lunch, which I prepared alone the entire morning. This is not the first Christmas like this....

I just want to move on with my life, I feel done talking about this with him.

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street.

I feel stuck.

Aibu to think there must be more?! Or is this really what marriage is supposed to be like?

OP posts:

Eviebeans · 26/12/2020 13:21

If he did what he threatened to do it would be his decision and not your responsibility...

Disabrie22 · 26/12/2020 13:23

Yes - agree with all the above - unfortunately I do think if you leave him he will quickly shack up with someone else as he has no depth as you know.
Having been around many friends who are now divorced I don’t know one who has remained single themselves - there are other nice people out there with children of their own looking for a new relationship.
The key now is asking yourself the following questions -

How will you get him out the house? (In my experience trying to get rental place yourself will be a financially very difficult unless you have well off parents who can be your guarantor or you have substantial savings.) Doesn’t sound like he’d be good in the mediation process.
What financial support do you and the kids need and deserve?
how will you split custody? And what will you do if his contribution to custody is inadequate?
if you work - how will becoming a single parent effect your ability to work?
does he work for himself or have hidden savings?
do you have someone to support you through the process? It takes years.

jacks11 · 26/12/2020 13:23

What do you get out of this marriage? As far as I can see you get neither love nor appreciation, you get no emotional or physical support but are left to do all the work so he can enjoy his hobby, uninterrupted by the demands of family life. You are lonely, unhappy and feeling unloved. You have told him this, but he makes no changes. So you can only assume he has no respect for you. He also does not really live you- if he did, he would take on board your unhappiness and try to make changes. But he hasn’t.... which speaks volumes.

Only you can decide if you want to put up with this indefinitely. As if you stay, you have to be aware nothing will change. In your shoes, I’d seek advice from a solicitor and work out what documents/evidence you need and get that together before telling him. If he is manipulative enough to threaten suicide if you leave, he’s manipulative enough to make your life as awkward as possible if you leave.

Disabrie22 · 26/12/2020 13:23

And good luck OP - there is a better life out there for you xxx

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/12/2020 13:25

Well it’s very cold so he's not going to just rock up on the local high street is he?.

Start collecting documents you need, anything financial & birth certificates, marriage certificates, pass Portsmouth driving licence and take it to a trusted relative or friend.

Then file for divorce.

BonnieDundee · 26/12/2020 13:25

Hes not a good man if he emotionally blackmails you into staying with him. I hope you get free before next Christmas. Do the mirror test as they often say on here. If he wanted to leave you, would you dramatically say that you'll live on the street or kill yourself? You know you wouldn't.

Again he is NOT a good man

thepeopleversuswork · 26/12/2020 13:26

Despite knowing how you feel, he's made no tangible attempt to meet your needs or even take on board what you've said, yet he is throwing around suicide threats.

No, marriage shouldn't be like this. You have every right to decide that you would prefer to be on your own than living in a marriage which doesn't meet your emotional needs.

Life is just too short.

Tal45 · 26/12/2020 13:54

Does he understand that relationships require effort putting into them? Did he make effort at the beginning? Could he be depressed? He needs to understand this isn't working and that he is going to have to change a lot if he wants it to work (if it's not too late). I'd really recommend counselling.

Don't stay because of his threats, that is not a relationship that is guilt, manipulation and control. He needs to understand that as well even if it is out of desperation it is not acceptable at all. I think he needs a lot of help but it's not your job to fix him. x

Imelda03 · 26/12/2020 14:05

@Dogsaremyfavorite

I wrote this to him 3 months ago....

Do you know how much I love you?
It hurts to even say.
I know you love me,
But I find myself thinking, gosh what a day?
Too few moments shared, your kisses are few... is it a reflection of me?
Or a reflection of you?
I find myself lonely.
I love being one of two.
But all the gold and goodies don’t mean anything if I don’t have your time & attention, if I don’t have you.
Your time is so precious, the fish once knew, then it was golf, back to fish and now the birds too.
I know these birds fly, I wonder if I can too.
But we made a promise for good or for bad, in sickness in health, I know these we do but day to day I’m alone wondering where are you?

I don’t think it will change but can I stay and be true to my needs if it doesn’t?
You are my husband and the father of our kids.
But I miss my friend, I miss my lover.
Instagram famous but they won’t love you like I do.

Where do we go from here? Can we work to build vision? I don’t want to survive.
My dream is to thrive.

You sound so lovely, so gentle kind and thoughtful.

You also sound bloody brave and resilient and I am just in awe of how you are prepared to leave as you know you are worth more, so many women choose a life of loneliness and misery with another half rather than stepping out and taking the chance to be happy.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. You deserve to be loved by someone who is as thoughtful and kind as you x

Socialmediashy · 26/12/2020 14:37

I’m sorry to hear your situation.

The intense hobby makes me suspect the Aspergers spouse support thread might be relevant.

That thread made me realise my ex would never join in the family occasions nor be a real partner and gave me a much needed push to start divorce process. I’m so much better off alone, and I’m gradually rebuilding my life.

I’ve since discovered the threads and YouTube videos on narcissists and now I’m hesitant which amateur ‘diagnosis’ is most relevant. They might also be helpful for you.

In any case, I agree with most of the PPs; life is too short to be unhappy.

Good luck with the big decisions.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2020 14:41

He's on to a cushty number here and because you dare to put yourself first he threatens to kill himself?

You deserve better than this fucking twat.

Mammy20 · 26/12/2020 14:51

Talk to him and be very honest, try to work things out. If doesn’t work, then divorce is fine IMO. It is more complicated when you have kids though. If he truly loves you, he will try to understand and hopefully you can work things out, set some healthy rules ets. Marriage is not always a fairy tale, but if you feel suffocated by it, then something needs to be done

Years ago I was breaking up with my ex boyfriend, as there was no future for me. He said if I leave, he is going to take his own life. I left anyway, as he was not right for me. Few weeks later after our break up he was in relationship with another woman going out and having fun (lots of fb pics). I was heartbroken for long time after that, but I am glad that I left him then.

Hope things work out for your family x

warmandtoasty2day · 26/12/2020 14:53

if my abusive ex threatened to top himself i would have made the noose, slung it over the stair rail and kicked the stool away for him. your dh, like my ex is a twat.
happy new year op and here's to your divorce and better life for you and dc.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 26/12/2020 14:55

Leave the emotional blackmailer. Go be happy x

Honeyroar · 26/12/2020 15:01

So he is so desperate to keep this marriage that he would kill himself if you left, but not enough to make an effort to repair what is going wrong by putting in a little love, affection and effort. Yeah right. C

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2020 15:04

"But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street."

That rather gives the lie to the 'My DH is a good man', don't you think? Good men don't blackmail women into staying in a relationship.

Others have pointed you to how to get the divorce going, I think you should get started. He won't change, his response to being asked to make things better was to resort to blackmail.

He is NOT a good man.

Porridgeoat · 26/12/2020 15:06

Ask him to move out as a trial separation and tell him you’ll play it be ear about what happens next. You’re unhappy and need more then you have

TooOldforBouncyCastles · 26/12/2020 15:17

Tell him a divorce is inevitable as things are.

If he threatens you with some awful scenario rather than working on improving the marriage you know he’s unable to change. In which case next step is to research divorce process.

Gov.uk site here which walks you through

The big stumbling black for most is finances. Both parties need to accept divorce means life changes, means living on less income as you now have two households to keep. Work that bit out which means working out how to be independent not dependant. Both parents are equally responsible for providing for the children. If he doesn’t want to accept responsibility this will delay your divorce as the financial settlement is integral to completing the divorce.

Thedogscollar · 26/12/2020 15:32

@Dogsaremyfavorite
The letter you wrote to him says everything about the lovely woman you are. If he doesn't want to try after reading that then it looks like he has decided how he is happy to remain in what sums up to a loveless marriage on his part.

You sound like an amazing and lovely woman who deserves so much more so go out and get it.

As others have said on here he will neither kill himself or give his job up to become homeless. He sounds extremely manipulative and childish.

Goodluck OP

HeyMister · 26/12/2020 16:01

Your po

HeyMister · 26/12/2020 16:02

Sorry posted too early.

Your poem is so beautifully written. So deeply sad. I can feel your pain.
Please put yourself first.

Pollypudding · 26/12/2020 16:09

Sounds like all he provides is finance. My DSis was in this kind of marriage for years. Several attempts to leave and BIL threatens to leave job (to cut off any financial support ) and kill himself (emotional abuse) . Eventually after 30 years of marriage they divorced this year. Yes it has been hard but she is a new woman now with a new career. He has not left his job or killed himself. Think seriously about how long you can live like this

MissyMoooo · 26/12/2020 16:35

I am a professional photographer. I normally work every weekend and spend most evenings editing, but it’s my job and my income. However a always try to take a night or two off to spend time with my DH. It’s important for me not to always be working / editing. I never spent so much time on photography when it was a hobby and I wasn’t being paid for it. Is your DH paid for any work or is he only doing it for the glory of followers??

Original poster

Dogsaremyfavorite · 26/12/2020 17:15

Thank you for all the responses.

He made me a cup of tea an hour ago and I find myself thinking that’s the most selfless thing he’s done in weeks for me or anyone else.

To answer one of the questions asked - he does it for the experience and his followers. The money he has made/sponsorships are not much right now.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 26/12/2020 17:30

Honestly, a cup of tea? I bet he was having one himself, too, wasn't he?

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