Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you why my DP won’t touch me in front of his DM.

53 replies

Christmasnamechange1234 · 26/12/2020 08:33

He’s usually very, very tactile with me. He’ll kiss me, hold my hand, stroke my hair, put his arm around my waist.

He is quite different in front of his family generally, which I assume is a respect thing on his part. In front of his dad, grandmother and sister, he will look me in the eyes and smile, hold my hand, sometimes put his hand on my shoulder.

In front of his mum he will sit away from me as much as possible. He won’t initiate any touch and if I reach out for his hand he’ll squeeze it and return it to me. I’ve noticed it more and more over the last year.

His mum is really lovely, he tells me that she likes me and I like her, very much. Oh, and he’s told her how he feels about me.

For information, he’s had a difficult relationship with her in the past. It sounds like she was the disciplinarian growing up and they would have shouty arguments. They’re fine now, lovely to each other.

What’s it about wise Mumsnetters.

OP posts:
Aahotep · 26/12/2020 08:34

Because it makes him uncomfortable.

shitinmyhandsandclap · 26/12/2020 08:35

How weird, why do you need to touch him so much, especially in company

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 26/12/2020 08:36

What does he say about it?

Bewilderedkitten · 26/12/2020 08:37

I wouldn't be kissing or holding hands with my DH in front of either of our families either. It's a matter of respect, also I'm not a loved up teen. Not sure what your issue is.

CreepyCreepster · 26/12/2020 08:38

Do you need to be fondled and stroked in front of his family? That's the odd bit to me tbh.

Snowy0w1 · 26/12/2020 08:38

That's fairly normal and understandable isn't it?! I would die of embarrassment if I had a boyfriend being tactile and affectionate to me in front of my parents.

BlackRibboner · 26/12/2020 08:38

Surely the person to ask is your partner?

zzizz · 26/12/2020 08:40

Oh Christ, I hate people doing lots of PDAs in public. My brother in law and his girlfriend utterly surpassed themselves this Christmas. In their case I know its down to insecurity and I try to be sympathetic, but it still makes me want to get the hell away.

If you frequently sat gazing lovingly into each other's eyes and stroking each other I'd be dying inside. Maybe he knows his mum is like me Grin

PurpleFlower1983 · 26/12/2020 08:40

I would say your husband is acting fairly normally.

Snowy0w1 · 26/12/2020 08:41

if I reach out for his hand he’ll squeeze it and return it to me

I feel sorry for him here. You're putting him in an awkward situation and he's trying to deal with it without hurting you or embarrassing himself or his family.

Why would he want to display a sexual relationship to his parents and grandparents.

I would find that excruciating! Not saying my family is normal, we're not! But all my sympathies are with your boyfriend here.

PotteringAlong · 26/12/2020 08:42

Because it’s weird! The stranger thing is that you want him to behave like that in front of his parents! Or anyone, really.

ScottishBetty · 26/12/2020 08:46

Ha! I love how uncomfortable the idea of PDA makes British people 😂 So many revolted reactions here 🙄

For the record I'd also feel a bit weird if my partner wouldn't even sit near me in his mother's company and I don't think you're being unreasonable.

why don't you just ask him instead of us? 😃 In a very very unjudgemental, gentle way, obviously!

RedMarauder · 26/12/2020 08:46

You explained it in your own post.

His mum's a disciplinarian who he has had a difficult relationship with. She won't have changed, it is just your DP knows how to deal with her for a quiet life.

You can ask him but it's clear his mum would find tactile behaviour between adults in front of her unacceptable.

Original poster
Christmasnamechange1234 · 26/12/2020 08:48

Oh, I feel terrible after reading those messages. I think what’s made it more noticeable is that he’s his normal self in front of my family and our friends. It’s just such a start difference in front of his mum.

OP posts:
BullshitVivienne · 26/12/2020 08:48

Dying at the thought of my partner stroking my hair in front of family.

cameocat · 26/12/2020 08:50

I hate it when people are putting on PDA in front of me. An arm round someone is fine but otherwise it's just unnecessary. I don't think it's weird that he doesn't in front of his mum but I do think it's weird in front of other people.

Adult DD is 22 and I used to feel uncomfortable when her ex used to be overly affectionate in front of me. New boyfriend much better, I can see how much they like one another without it making me uncomfortable.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 26/12/2020 08:56

Well, it's not just British. I don't do any of this in front of my mum and she wasn't even the one doing the disciplining. It just feels awkward. My sibling is completely the opposite.

I agree with pps. You can last few hours without a hand hold and stop trying to make him do it. If he is uncomfortable in that situation, he is uncomfortable. I wouldn't even squeeze your hand if you kept trying to hold mine when you know I don't want it at that time. I would move further away and then had a serious talk about that.

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 26/12/2020 09:03

For information, he’s had a difficult relationship with her in the past. It sounds like she was the disciplinarian growing up and they would have shouty arguments. They’re fine now, lovely to each other.

Does she judge? Interfere in his relationships? Maybe he doesn’t want his DM to know anything about his private life.

From what you’ve said he is comfortable to show his feelings in front of your family. He obviously feels more relaxed with your family than his own.

Notonthestairs · 26/12/2020 09:05

It's not necessarily bad if behaviour changes depending on who is present.
I swear a lot (too much) but I adjusted my language around my grandmother.

Nobody behaves the same all the time. And there is no one truthful version of yourself. And obviously his relationship with his mum will be more complex than the one with your family.

Haggertyjane · 26/12/2020 09:07

I think either partner pawing at the other in front of anyone, let alone family, quite gross.

Are you 15?

lunar1 · 26/12/2020 09:08

Does it matter why? It makes him uncomfortable, why do you need him to do something he clearly doesn't want to? It says more about you than him.

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 26/12/2020 09:09

Just to add, I hate people fawning over each other at family gatherings. Two individuals become one big smoochy lump and I hate having conversations with conjoined couples.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 26/12/2020 09:09

If it helps, your friends and other relatives are probably hoping to god that you grow out of the PDAs soon. Hand-hold or arm round waist - fine but no one wants to watch you kiss or stroke each other's hair.

ScottishBetty · 26/12/2020 09:09

@Christmasnamechange1234

Oh, I feel terrible after reading those messages. I think what’s made it more noticeable is that he’s his normal self in front of my family and our friends. It’s just such a start difference in front of his mum.
Don't feel bad! I think a lot of the people commenting need to ask themselves why the sight of a simple handhold or (😱) wanting to sit next to your partner makes them so angry 😂
SimonJT · 26/12/2020 09:10

I don’t do PDA at all, the only exception is very mild PDA in front of my son, so quick cuddle, peck on the cheek etc.

I’m not a dog, I don’t have to be touched constantly to be know I’m loved by a partner.

Swipe left for the next trending thread