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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you why my DP won’t touch me in front of his DM.

53 replies

Christmasnamechange1234 · 26/12/2020 08:33

He’s usually very, very tactile with me. He’ll kiss me, hold my hand, stroke my hair, put his arm around my waist.

He is quite different in front of his family generally, which I assume is a respect thing on his part. In front of his dad, grandmother and sister, he will look me in the eyes and smile, hold my hand, sometimes put his hand on my shoulder.

In front of his mum he will sit away from me as much as possible. He won’t initiate any touch and if I reach out for his hand he’ll squeeze it and return it to me. I’ve noticed it more and more over the last year.

His mum is really lovely, he tells me that she likes me and I like her, very much. Oh, and he’s told her how he feels about me.

For information, he’s had a difficult relationship with her in the past. It sounds like she was the disciplinarian growing up and they would have shouty arguments. They’re fine now, lovely to each other.

What’s it about wise Mumsnetters.

OP posts:
oneglassandpuzzled · 26/12/2020 09:10

My husband wouldn’t be touching me a lot in front of other people.

Poppingnostopping · 26/12/2020 09:11

I'm a tactile person who likes all that stuff- in private! I think it would be very off-putting for your own family or friends to have lots of overtly couply behaviour going on, hair stroking, kissing and so forth. Nothing wrong with a pat on the shoulder, the exchange of a glance, but why would you be holding hands if you are sitting at a table chatting, for example!

It isn't just a British thing, my husband is from an eastern European country and whilst warm in private, no-one ever holds hands in public. In fact I noticed it when I was there. Ostentatious draping of couples isn't the norm- if you look around you I bet no-one else is doing it either. I did once have a friend that did, she used to sit on her boyfriend's lap when we went out and it was really odd behaviour, like talking to a two headed person.

Back up and follow his lead, and have a chat with him directly if you are worried.

Omeara · 26/12/2020 09:11

I think it’s more strange he does it in front of others rather than not in front of his Mum.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 26/12/2020 09:12

Don't feel bad! I think a lot of the people commenting need to ask themselves why the sight of a simple handhold or (😱) wanting to sit next to your partner makes them so angry 😂

Because the partner is uncomfortable, doesn't want this and shouldn't be pushed then. No matter what theor reason. If I don't want to be touched for whatever reason at the time and my partner will keep trying, I have a right to be angry.

Notnowokay · 26/12/2020 09:19

I don’t feel comfortable with dh sitting next to me in a family gathering. I much prefer he sits opposite me. Definitely no touching allowed because I also dislike it and feel very uncomfortable when others do it.

Only time we are hold each other in public is during grieving times and when taking photos.

cactusisblooming · 26/12/2020 09:22

I most certainly wouldn't expect (or want) my usually tactile DP to be his normal self in front of my parents, or anyone else for that matter. There is zero need for it.

hardboiledeggs · 26/12/2020 09:28

Cause it’s his family, why does he need to be touching you all the time. I’d hate it if my DH was like that in front of my family.

cameocat · 26/12/2020 09:33

'Don't feel bad! I think a lot of the people commenting need to ask themselves why the sight of a simple handhold or (😱) wanting to sit next to your partner makes them so angry'

I don't think sitting next to, handholding or slinging your arm around someone is PDA. But fondling, snogging I don't particularly want to see. Stroking hair and gazing at one another when other people are part of the conversation is just a bit odd as the third person is excluded from it (although clearly weirder if they were inviting family to join in Grin).

I don't see anyone saying they're angry either, just find it uncomfortable.

cameocat · 26/12/2020 09:34

'Don't feel bad! I think a lot of the people commenting need to ask themselves why the sight of a simple handhold or (😱) wanting to sit next to your partner makes them so angry'

I don't think sitting next to, handholding or slinging your arm around someone is PDA. But fondling, snogging I don't particularly want to see. Stroking hair and gazing at one another when other people are part of the conversation is just a bit odd as the third person is excluded from it (although clearly weirder if they were inviting family to join in Grin).

I don't see anyone saying they're angry either, just find it uncomfortable.

Somersetlady · 26/12/2020 09:35

There is probably another thread on here entitled

“Why does my DIL keep trying to touch my DS intimately in my company when it’s obvious he is uncomfortable with it?” 😳

MichelleScarn · 26/12/2020 09:35

He’s usually very, very tactile with me. He’ll kiss me, hold my hand, stroke my hair, put his arm around my waist.
Sorry but too too much for public viewing! It reminds me of a running joke about a couple in a film/TV who would start like this and end up going practically 'all the way' and now is annoying me as can't remember what it is!

Fieldofyellowflowers · 26/12/2020 09:36

If his mum was the disciplinarian, it's probably left a metaphorical mark, even if she is lovely with him now. Which is why he is maybe uncomfortable touching you in front of her.

I don't think there is anything wrong with touching/PDAs, but a lot of people on mumsnet don't like it, and each to their own is a bit of a foreign concept on here too.

Nottherealslimshady · 26/12/2020 09:45

We're very tactile and cuddly, I would feel so weird NOT hugging my husband in front of our families. My DB and SIL are cuddly and have never thought "oh get a room!" I'm just glad they love eachother. I do notice and find it weird when couples sit away from eachother and just act like friends, we all know you have sex, might as well hold his hand.

I think it comes from the whole shame about sex and genitals, God forbid your PARENTS know you're shagging someone, despite most people here having kids.

Since he only does that around her I'd say he is uncomfortable around her and doesn't like showing vulnerability in her presence.

Missgemini · 26/12/2020 09:47

Sorry OP. You're not necessarily being unreasonable. It's just that different families are different.
I'm similar to your partner. My DH is the tactile one and wants to cuddle etc in front of family. His sister and her DP do that all the time in front of us.
I personally feel very uncomfortable with PDAs, so I essentially react the same way as your DP when with my family, or even his family. Just a different upbringing.

Nottherealslimshady · 26/12/2020 09:47

We're very tactile and cuddly, even in front of my dad Shock I would feel so weird NOT hugging my husband in front of our families. My DB and SIL are cuddly and I have never thought "oh get a room!" I'm just think I'm glad they love eachother. I do notice and find it weird when couples sit away from eachother and just act like friends, we all know you have sex, might as well hold his hand.

I think it comes from the whole shame about sex and genitals, God forbid your PARENTS know you're shagging someone, despite most people here having kids.

Since he only does that around her I'd say he is uncomfortable around her and doesn't like showing vulnerability in her presence.

Nottherealslimshady · 26/12/2020 09:48

Oops sorry, it wouldn't post first time.

lazylump72 · 26/12/2020 09:49

I remember the first time we stayed over at my dhs parents house in the same bed! oh it felt so wrong and I was mortified! Crazy I know but it felt really wrong somehow! He loves you OP you will be his world you knw that or you should let that be enough ...

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 26/12/2020 09:52

Since he only does that around her I'd say he is uncomfortable around her and doesn't like showing vulnerability in her presence

This

Somersetlady · 26/12/2020 09:53

@Nottherealslimshady

We're very tactile and cuddly, I would feel so weird NOT hugging my husband in front of our families. My DB and SIL are cuddly and have never thought "oh get a room!" I'm just glad they love eachother. I do notice and find it weird when couples sit away from eachother and just act like friends, we all know you have sex, might as well hold his hand.

I think it comes from the whole shame about sex and genitals, God forbid your PARENTS know you're shagging someone, despite most people here having kids.

Since he only does that around her I'd say he is uncomfortable around her and doesn't like showing vulnerability in her presence.

For me it comes from respecting the other person in the room and not wanting to make them feel uncomfortable.

Especially older generations.

zzizz · 26/12/2020 10:41

Unconsciously smiling at each other, making jokes, sitting near each other, sure, holding hands without thinking when walking? No problem. DH and I are like this and most couples we know are too.

But at other times it just makes me super uncomfortable - especially when when you feel that it's based on desperate insecurity, or bordering on a fetish of enjoyiny being watched - those are the ones that make me super uncomfortable.

TheSilentStars · 26/12/2020 10:43

Because it makes you sound about 14?
I had a friend at college who would sit with her then boyfriend stroking each other and gurning.
Yuck.

TheSilentStars · 26/12/2020 10:44

@Nottherealslimshady

We're very tactile and cuddly, even in front of my dad Shock I would feel so weird NOT hugging my husband in front of our families. My DB and SIL are cuddly and I have never thought "oh get a room!" I'm just think I'm glad they love eachother. I do notice and find it weird when couples sit away from eachother and just act like friends, we all know you have sex, might as well hold his hand.

I think it comes from the whole shame about sex and genitals, God forbid your PARENTS know you're shagging someone, despite most people here having kids.

Since he only does that around her I'd say he is uncomfortable around her and doesn't like showing vulnerability in her presence.

It really really doesn't.
Thehop · 26/12/2020 10:46

My toes are curling imagining my husband touching me affectionately in front of family. I’d be mortified.

YABU poor lad

formerbabe · 26/12/2020 10:48

Yabvu. Grow up.

Are you very insecure? Surely you can cope without constant physical affection for the time in which you're around his mother?

formerbabe · 26/12/2020 10:50

I do notice and find it weird when couples sit away from eachother and just act like friends, we all know you have sex, might as well hold his hand.

Honestly, this is absolutely pathetic. I'm not overly affectionate with dh in front of our families. I'm not so pathetically insecure and needy that I need petting like a dog every moment I'm with him.

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