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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 15/04/2021 12:01

I think your DH is right - and as your DS has set expectations directly with her he may react differently to her behaviour this time. Well, fingers crossed!

Bythemillpond · 15/04/2021 12:13

Just keep your cool. Smile and bite your tongue. Be the reasonable ones and put the ball in her court to keep the pretence up. I am sure like your dh’s says she won’t stick to it and will have a tantrum in the next week or two. She can promise anything when he is doing what she wants. The test will come when she isn’t going to get her own way.

I would have little contact with her in the meantime. Just pleasantries, I wouldn’t invite her over for a meal as she will just revert to type and make any innocent remark seem like you are the bad guys.

Hold tight and be prepared for a roller coaster

PeskyPurdy · 15/04/2021 12:32

I can't offer any sound advice unfortunately but it chills me to the core thinking of any of my children ending up in a relationship like this....

You sound like you're doing the right things, let's hope he finds the strength to see this for what it is sooner rather than later!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/04/2021 14:03

I'm glad he's back and I hope your DH is right, that she will revert to her previous form very quickly - and that THIS time your DS will see through it and decide that this particular drama is not for him.

I wouldn't invite her over either - if he brings her, so be it, but no pointed invitations as that could be interpreted later as "setting her up to fail" [which she will] and set him against you again.

Itsalready · 15/04/2021 15:49

Have been reading your thread all through and she sounds completely controlling and abusive. I know, a lot of teenagers can be lacking self esteem and it causes jealousy etc but this sounds way more serious and detrimental to your lovely sons mental health in the long run. Your update about sending the photo of her smiling into the camera really annoyed me (and I don't even know you 🙂 but I know people like that and it's infuriating when they get away with things!! I agree with your DH, this "change" won't last long because once they both get back to normality, the excitement of the holiday will wear off and her true colours will be shining bright again!! Only hope is that when she does, your DS will see it and be done!! Sorry I have no words of wisdom but I really do feel for you and your family because controlling relationships are very worrying and frustrating for people looking in!!

DdraigGoch · 15/04/2021 19:01

The classic "but I can change!"

BlueDahlia69 · 16/04/2021 12:46

I hope she's not pregnant

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 17/04/2021 08:44

Things have escalated rapidly today.
He went to his sport and on the way told me that the GF hates me for something I said to her the first day I met her (9months ago) and that's why she's been taking it out on DS for all these months.
For the record I had people around us who heard the conversation and nothing bad at all was said, it's an outright lie and I can say that with full conviction and a clear conscience.

She surprisingly turned up with her dad to watch DS play. I went over and said hello and said (this is summarised) that I've heard that I have somehow upset her unintentionally and I would like to clear the air so if they'd like to organise a time to do so then I'd be open to that.

Watched the rest of the game, towards the end my DS was sent off with a suspected concussion.
(This is all summarised) I messaged the dad while still at the ground to let them know that DS was ok and just needed monitoring.
DS came out and was agitated and wanted to walk to see her as she was getting mad at him, I refused to let him and made him get in the car as he had a head injury.
I messaged the dad to let him know we were at the car if the GF wanted to see him before we went home.
She then messaged my DS and DUMPED HIM, while he had concussion symptoms.

It escalated from there with my DS so distressed. I called the Dad and calmly (but also angrily) told him what had a happened and that I'd had enough and basically it was a low act.

We've come home and she's messaged him and said she was "on the ground with distress trying to find her man to be with him" (bullshit, she knew exactly where he was and still didn't come and see him) and all this love bombing stuff and basically according to her they're still together and she's going to get counselling.

DS now wants to go and see her, I think he's dumb enough to forgive her, but I've had enough. I know it's wrong of me and I'll still tread carefully to a point, but I've put my foot down and said the relationship is over and he needs to accept that and us and his friends will help him through it, whatever it takes.

He's still refusing to block her and has said if I tell her parents he has threatened to kill himself as the fallout it comes back on him (as she takes it out on him)

WHAT A FUCKING NIGHTMARE

OP posts:
itwa · 17/04/2021 08:54

Bloody hell, well at least it's unravelling, but in a very toxic way.

Keep calm, keep him safely home to 'recover from his head injury', say that he can deal with her later and he must concentrate on his health for now.

Her parents must see the level of drama and obsession that she favours.

Mooloolabababy · 17/04/2021 09:09

Ah op, what a really shitty situation for you and your ds. It must be so hard to know what to do, tbf, given all of her bullshit, I would have done the same as you (probably sooner tho as I'm less diplomatic) What did gf and her dad say when you approached them about what you'd heard? We're either of them frosty with you? I would tell her dad everything, it sounds like her mum isn't prepared to do anything to change the situation but if her dad is totally in the picture then maybe he will?

babbaloushka · 17/04/2021 09:15

Fucking hell, your poor DS. What did she accuse you of saying?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2021 09:28

Wow, what a piece of work she is.
What on earth did her father say when you called him to tell him what she'd done? I mean to you, of course you can't know what he said to her.

I think you might need to find someone outside the family for your son to talk to as well - except he currently won't want to, but there has to be SOME way he can be told by an external source how crazy this situation is!

Hold tight - I've everything crossed for you that this works out well.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 17/04/2021 09:34

The dad was friendly when I approached him, I don't think he knew anything.
I think she dumped my son as she realised she was about to get caught out in her lies, by me talking to her parents.

She said that I was mean about her friends.
This was the first day I ever met her, some girls walked by and I said if she wanted to hang out with her friends then she doesn't need to feel obligated to stay with us (again we were watching DS sport at the time, this was back in August) it was all friendly. She said those particular girls don't like her and they used to be friends but they had spread rumours about her and I said "if they are saying things behind your back they don't sound like very good friends" that's what she's so upset about, that's it.

I asked DS that if that were true then why has it not come up until now? and she had told him that everything I've done to her up until now has finally got on top of her and she cries every night and to her dad about it.

I have done nothing to her at all, hence my venting on here haha.

My DH was at work today and so I was dealing with it all by myself with our other two DS, it was awful.

She's just scrambling as all her other tactics haven't worked so far to control him with his sport and I seem to be the only one that can see through her and is calling her out on her behaviour, that is why I believe she doesn't like me!

OP posts:
Selttan · 17/04/2021 09:40

Can you speak to the Dad again and tell him everything that she's done and ask him to keep her away from your son?

She needs some serious help and clearly the mother is not willing to do anything.

LAMPS1 · 17/04/2021 09:44

I don’t know if this has been mentioned to you before but I suggest it’s important now, to strongly advise/encourage your son to keep a diary of her moods, the arguments, the unreasonable behaviours, and his responses to appease her.

I sincerely hope the relationship is over as you suggest it could be, but something tells me she won’t settle for that.

At the same time, I suggest you should also keep a diary of all these constant fall-outs and their causes and her promises - or at least what you know of them. You have a bit of a past record from this thread alone but if he sees it written down objectively, with no emotion in a simple daily format, it might serve to bring it home to him that this is a coercive relationship which needs to end.
Wishing your son better from his concussion. Good luck OP !

longwayoff · 17/04/2021 10:03

She'll never like any woman who diverts attention from her, so don't take it personally. I'm with the earlier Northern posters and I'd be having a firm word with missy, one to one, no others involved. I wouldn't disclose the details of conversation to son and would insist she's mistaken if she believes (she will) you've been unkind.No matter what drama she's developing, laugh it off, even though it won't be funny. Be clear with your son that she is not someone to take seriously. She'll hate it. She'll react badly to start with but soon be bored and move on to a more appreciative audience. No room for drama queens in your family, don't have it. Good luck and good luck to whoever ends up with her, he'll be needing it.

MaMaD1990 · 17/04/2021 10:07

Jesus Christ, this girl is nuts and bolts. At this stage I'd be taking his phone and laptop away so she can't contact him. I'd also be phoning her mother and father to tell them under no circumstances is she to go anywhere near your son and they're all to stay well away. A phone call to the school to be extra certain he is watched over and explain everything she's done - I say this all because although it seems OTT, if your son is threatening to kill himself for a girl that is effectively abusing him is incredibly worrying. He is essentially alone (although you are trying to help him somewhat, youve been far more relaxed about it all that I would've been). Sometimes you have to do things that will make him angry at you for his own good. I'd also be considering legal action if she won't leave him alone and make damn sure her and her parents are aware you're considering it and that the school will be made aware of the situation. Your son will be fine, but right now he needs protection from her.

DdraigGoch · 17/04/2021 10:37

I wonder if now is the time to confiscate electronic devices (using the bump to his head as a pretext) and invite a friend of his around.

Bythemillpond · 17/04/2021 11:32

Well she is very predictable. As soon as she doesn’t get her own way then she reverts to type.
I would go with how boring she is. Your ds would have soon tired of her as soon as he saw through her.

Why would everything come back on your ds if he blocked her and refused to see her?

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 17/04/2021 11:35

More to come...but I have just found messages from her tonight telling my DS to kill me so they can be together

OP posts:
Lockdownlifting12344555 · 17/04/2021 11:38

@workworkworkugh I think you need to report all this to the police, he is a coercive and controlling relationship... you need to safeguard him and yourselves and ring the police

MaMaD1990 · 17/04/2021 11:39

Police, police, police, police

MelissaVonStressel · 17/04/2021 11:41

Surely that's enough to make school sit up and take notice, and the police, and her parents- it's time to go nuclear. She's really quite ill.

Sparklfairy · 17/04/2021 11:43

Shit. Get to the police now. She needs help and I've watched enough true crime to take messages like that seriously

Pollypocket89 · 17/04/2021 11:49

Another one for the police. She needs help and this might be one way to give her parents the wake up call they need as well as protect your son