To be upset that boyfriend spent Christmas eve with his best friend's family?

[Outdoorsie]

This was our 5th Christmas together and have never spent a Christmas eve into Christmas day together. We don't live together. We've seen each other briefly on 2 of these Christmas days. This year he was due to go stay with his brother for a couple of nights but he told me he was now going Christmas day instead and would I like to meet for a walk on Christmas eve, which I did. We live an hour away from each other. We walked for an hour, said our goodbyes, and he told me he was going for drinks to his friend, friend's wife and their kids that evening. I spent it alone. Went to my parents Christmas day. Now we've had issues before about this family being more important to him than me, about me feeling less of a priority. I felt a bit teary home alone on Christmas eve, thinking wouldn't it be nice to spend it together. I hadn't heard from him by 11.15am Christmas morning so rang him... he was sleeping off hangover still. I got a bit upset about all this... AIBU?

Sorry didnt quote.

Pansypotter123

How does he treat you otherwise? Nice Christmas gift? What did you get him?

Have you ever discussed it? "So how are we doing these Christmas? I thought it's time we could have them properly together." If you don't still love together and never talked about spending it together, I think it's kind of understandable he is jist going woth previous default.

If you wnat something, say it.

@Kalula

Oh OP, I'm so sorry, but it really doesn't sound like he is that invested. After 6 months to a year most people I know have moved in together. 5 years and you two are both still almost like strangers dating. I would be devastated if the man I loved didn't want to spend Christmas day with me. I think it's time to tell him to 'shit or get off the pot'. If you want a permanent relationship with him, you need to tell him and let him know he needs to make up his mind. I can imagine it's terribly upsetting for you, it's almost like he is waiting to see if something better comes along. After 5 years I would be expecting to spend Christmas together. You are not being unreasonable to be upset. Not at all. You really do need to speak to him. It's not fair on you and why wouldn't he want to spend Christmas with you.

OP don't worry about comments like this. No person i know has moved in with someone after 6 months and I don’t think it is normal after a year. It takes a lot longer than that to get to know someone properly. Especially if there are children involved.

However 5 years does sound like a long time. Do you get on with his family? Was there a reason you could not go to the friends on Christmas eve or did he simply not invite you?

I can see why he did what he did from a logistical point of view.
Do his friends live close to him? If so then I can understand why he might have wanted to stay local as he was going to go to his parents on Xmas day.

If he was at yours he would have had to drive back and an hours drive is a lot on Xmas eve.

'I struggle to understand why you weren’t invited to any of these occasions. This isn’t a relationship IMO'

My first thought would be COVID tbh. Sounds like the boyfriend is seeing enough households as it is.

@Somersetlady Wow. Really? That is the thing you pick out from my message? Regardless, yes, maybe you and I clearly go in different circles, because most people I know have either moved in within a year of dating, or split up. I didn't say that's how the OP should be, just giving my experience. But tell the OP to dismiss my entire message for that alone.....

@kalula don't be precious.

I was merely saying to the OP dont feel bad because after 5 years she is not living together and your sweeping statement says that 6months to a year is “normal. “
Thats hardly going to make her feel any better is it?

The reality is probably that both the OP and this man are both reasonably OK flopping along year to year, but it gets to Christmas and the OP feels maybe they should comply with the social convention of getting together for the festivities so she gets a few people on a thread and knows she'll get exactly the same reaction as always, that she's bottom of the bloke's priority list, but it's too much hassle to do anything about it. So she "settles" because in reality it suits her the rest of the year.

Fine, but really pointless torturing herself when she could do something about it, if she really wanted to. But she doesn't.

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen

5 years together & he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with you?

This is going to sound harsh but is meant with kindness ... listen to what he is telling you; you’re low on his list of priorities.

Be kind to your self esteem; leave.

I agree! Sorry you felt so crap but this loser doesn't deserve you. X

You think he’s your partner. He thinks you’re the woman he’s seeing - or to put it less politely, the woman he’s shagging. Casual is fine if that’s all you want, but clearly you want more. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking anything is better than nothing.

I'm sorry but I do find it strange that a couple could be together for 5 years and not spend Christmas together. It doesn't sound like he has any intention of this being a serious relationship. More like a "filler" relationship for company and intimacy until he meets someone he is serious about.

You say you’re not needy like it’s a good thing. But standing up for yourself isn’t needy, it’s assertive. Letting him just do what he wants, with no thought given to your feelings, isn’t being cool, it’s being a doormat. That’s how he sees you. You need to either tell him to prioritise you, or find someone else who will. But first, you need to learn to prioritise yourself.

Meh, been with my husband 10years - this is the first year we spent it together.

both our families are important to us and we both live in a different country to our families and friends now!

At Christmas we usually go to our own home towns and see our friends and spend the day with our own family!

Don’t see the big deal at all tbh

Why should he change his routine/plans.

You could have made your own plans for something to do Xmas eve / seen your own friends?

How old are you both?

DP and I were together five years before we spent a Christmas together and that was our child's first Christmas. I don't know what we would be doing now if we didn't have DC.

However, we lived together and I was a priority for him.

I haven't read your pasting history but based on this thread alone, you are convenient for him. Why do you not live together? Why does he not make more of an effort?

I wouldn't stay with anyone who made me feel second best.

Oh dear - this sounds familiar, have you posted about his behaviour before?

I know this sounds harsh but it doesn't sound like he is making you a priority. I would rather be alone than be in a relationship where I am treated in such a way.

@OhBollocksToIt

OP you continually start threads about this man and how this relationship isn’t going how you want it to. He has never told you he loves you, he doesn’t spend enough time with you, he moved an hour away from you. After five years, this relationship should be going somewhere and it isn’t.

You know the phrase about not making someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs? Well, that.

Please read this before you reply ^^

You need to walk away, he's not going to change, he's no need to.

You've loads of threads going back years about this and they all say the same thing. Why would it be different this time ?

Having read the comment from OhBollocksToIt I now remember your other threads! Seriously, OP - what is the point? YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME!! Life is short and you only get one and you are wasting yours on someone who gives you almost no thought in their lives. This isn’t how a proper relationship should be!! He should want to spend his time with you, not bugger off at every conceivable opportunity! Wake up!!