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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that boyfriend spent Christmas eve with his best friend's family?

67 replies

Outdoorsie · 26/12/2020 04:26

This was our 5th Christmas together and have never spent a Christmas eve into Christmas day together. We don't live together. We've seen each other briefly on 2 of these Christmas days. This year he was due to go stay with his brother for a couple of nights but he told me he was now going Christmas day instead and would I like to meet for a walk on Christmas eve, which I did. We live an hour away from each other. We walked for an hour, said our goodbyes, and he told me he was going for drinks to his friend, friend's wife and their kids that evening. I spent it alone. Went to my parents Christmas day. Now we've had issues before about this family being more important to him than me, about me feeling less of a priority. I felt a bit teary home alone on Christmas eve, thinking wouldn't it be nice to spend it together. I hadn't heard from him by 11.15am Christmas morning so rang him... he was sleeping off hangover still. I got a bit upset about all this... AIBU?

OP posts:
inquietant · 26/12/2020 04:30

Sorry you're upset. It sounds a bit distant, after five years.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 26/12/2020 04:35

5 years together & he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with you?

This is going to sound harsh but is meant with kindness ... listen to what he is telling you; you’re low on his list of priorities.

Be kind to your self esteem; leave.

QOD · 26/12/2020 04:36

What are your plans for your future?

AppleJane · 26/12/2020 04:36

Are you generally happy in the relationship?

Is it both your decisions that you're not living together yet after 5 years?

It might be time to have a serious chat about your future. If one good thing can come out of this terrible year it is us all evaluating our happiness and do we want more out of life Smile

whatsthepointinwasps · 26/12/2020 05:16

Definitely sounds quite cold and aloof for a 5 year relationship? You may do well to have a serious think about where it’s going and how you’d like 2021 to be different.

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 26/12/2020 05:45

I agree that after 5 years this is is very unusual. It seems like he is trying to keep things really casual and you want more? If i were you i'd be reevaluating the relationship - unless you are happy with a long term casual arrangement? I've been with my husband for less than 5 years and within that time we met, moved in together, got engaged and married and had our first. What I am trying to say is, 5 years is a long time and usually after this time people will be - if not married then engaged and/or living together. But he doesn't even spend Christmas with you and prefers to go and see his mate? It isn't fair that he hasn't prioritised you at Christmas and you shouldn't be spending Christmas feeling sad, you deserve better than that. At the very least, the hour long distance between you makes it more odd because you'd have thought it would be inconvenient to trav for a mere hour long walk and would make more sense to spend the day/period together?

(Sorry OP, i am not saying this to make you feel bad! I am saying it because i think everyone deserves to be made to feel special and like a priority at Christmas by the person that they love and are in a relationship with!)

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2020 06:02

I struggle to understand why you weren’t invited to any of these occasions. This isn’t a relationship imo.

VainAbigail · 26/12/2020 06:02

we've had issues before about this family being more important to him than me

Yes, YABU. You sound quite needy.

LunaLula83 · 26/12/2020 06:05

Very weird.

lalafafa · 26/12/2020 06:11

I think you may just be his FWB.

KatherineJaneway · 26/12/2020 06:20

What are the reasons you don't live together?

GreekGod · 26/12/2020 06:31

Get out OP, you are very low on his list of priorities. Five years is a long time. Find someone who deserves you.

sofato5miles · 26/12/2020 06:32

Needy after 5 years, what? I have a new boyfriend of 3 months and we made sure we were together by xmas eve and to wake up on xmas day. (Not in uk for covid bubble chatters)

lifestooshort123 · 26/12/2020 06:36

Is there a reason why you're not living together after 5 years? You need to have one of life's difficult conversations with him as it sounds as though he's happy with his life as it is and doesn't want more from you. Sorry.

Original poster
Outdoorsie · 26/12/2020 06:42

I'm the least needy person you could meet... he's even said so himself.
I've decided I'm going to bring up how he actually feels about me... whether he loves me/ likes my company and hanging out, because he's not one for ever expressing how he feels.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 26/12/2020 06:43

Now we've had issues before about this family being more important to him than me, about me feeling less of a priority. I felt a bit teary home alone on Christmas eve, thinking wouldn't it be nice to spend it together.

Absolutely you have issues.

You've posted about this same boyfriend year after year who never prioritises you and has Christmas Day with his folks and leaves you out.

You're still with him. Still wasting your life on someone who doesn't care. Not only that but you get lots of people on here willing to give you good advice that you ignore. So it's Year 5 now, I'm amazed you're both still hanging around together but clearly something must be OK the other 364 days!

KatherineJaneway · 26/12/2020 06:45

Surely in 5 years you've discussed your relationship, future plans etc?

daisychain01 · 26/12/2020 06:51

@Mummyoflittledragon

I struggle to understand why you weren’t invited to any of these occasions. This isn’t a relationship imo.
Thing is, every year it's a similar theme, always along the lines of the boyfriend accepting various invitations, and never including the OP.

So either the OP is willing to accept the same treatment year after year, because by now anyone else would have thrown in the towel and realise it's a non-relationship and a busted flush, or they aren't telling the truth, or they enjoy the attention on here and happy to tug at people's heart strings and have good advice given that they have no intention of ever taking. It goes round and round like Groundhog Day.

VettiyaIruken · 26/12/2020 07:01

Sounds like you just aren't very important to him. After 5 years you would be daft to think that'll change

This is who he is.
This is who matters most to him.
Don't fool yourself that you can change that. He was exactly where he wanted to be and where he wanted to be was not with you.

Unless you want this half relationship forever - move on.

RosesandPumpkins · 26/12/2020 07:04

Find someone who wants to be with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2020 07:05

After 5 years you don’t know if he likes or loves you? OP, what’s going on?

flyingant · 26/12/2020 07:15

Did you tell hime you wanted to spend Christmas Eve with him? What did he say?

NaughtipussMaximus · 26/12/2020 07:18

@VainAbigail

we've had issues before about this family being more important to him than me

Yes, YABU. You sound quite needy.

Bullshit. It’s perfectly normal to want to spend Xmas with your significant other after FIVE YEARS of dating. It’s not even slightly needy.

I think I’d dump him, OP. He’s obviously not prioritising you as you deserve. Find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him.

Ideasplease322 · 26/12/2020 07:26

I am really sorry but I don’t think he loves you.

He should make you feel special - you should both want to spend time together.

It is really odd that he would rather be with his friend on Christmas.

He is clearly telling you that you are not his priority. You need to end this

Ideasplease322 · 26/12/2020 07:28

@VainAbigail

we've had issues before about this family being more important to him than me

Yes, YABU. You sound quite needy.

This is a silly reply.

It is not needy to expect to be your partner’s priority.

You need to have more self respect and expect better for yourself.

People put women down with words like this all the time. It’s not needy to expect to be your partners priority. It’s strong.