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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that boyfriend spent Christmas eve with his best friend's family?

67 replies

Outdoorsie · 26/12/2020 04:26

This was our 5th Christmas together and have never spent a Christmas eve into Christmas day together. We don't live together. We've seen each other briefly on 2 of these Christmas days. This year he was due to go stay with his brother for a couple of nights but he told me he was now going Christmas day instead and would I like to meet for a walk on Christmas eve, which I did. We live an hour away from each other. We walked for an hour, said our goodbyes, and he told me he was going for drinks to his friend, friend's wife and their kids that evening. I spent it alone. Went to my parents Christmas day. Now we've had issues before about this family being more important to him than me, about me feeling less of a priority. I felt a bit teary home alone on Christmas eve, thinking wouldn't it be nice to spend it together. I hadn't heard from him by 11.15am Christmas morning so rang him... he was sleeping off hangover still. I got a bit upset about all this... AIBU?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/12/2020 07:29

You're still with him. Still wasting your life on someone who doesn't care. Not only that but you get lots of people on here willing to give you good advice that you ignore. So it's Year 5 now, I'm amazed you're both still hanging around together but clearly something must be OK the other 364 days!

This.

JillofTrades · 26/12/2020 07:30

Honestly op I think after 5 years you shouldn't be having these types of issues. And if you are then the relationship isn't going anywhere.
He doesn't seem committed to a relationship rather than the idea of you.

OhBollocksToIt · 26/12/2020 07:30

OP you continually start threads about this man and how this relationship isn’t going how you want it to. He has never told you he loves you, he doesn’t spend enough time with you, he moved an hour away from you. After five years, this relationship should be going somewhere and it isn’t.

You know the phrase about not making someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs? Well, that.

BudgieHammockBananaSmuggler · 26/12/2020 07:45

This will never change. You are his friend with benefits. He doesn’t love you. You can make a choice about this situation.

Have a look at your own posting history. And the advice given. I’m not sugar coating the message again

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2020 07:45

You know the phrase about not making someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs? Well, that.

And the one about doing the same thing and expecting a different result...

KatherineJaneway · 26/12/2020 07:46

@OhBollocksToIt

Thanks for the heads up. I wondered why OP wasn't answering reasonable questions.

HmmSureJan · 26/12/2020 07:50

@VainAbigail

we've had issues before about this family being more important to him than me

Yes, YABU. You sound quite needy.

Hmm no you don't, at all.

I agree with other posters that you are not important to him and this is not a significant relationship. After five years I would expect that you'd be spending special occasions together as a matter of course and him knowing you'd be alone on Christmas Eve and choosing to be elsewhere really says it all. Dump and find someone who treats you as a real part of their life and wants to be with you.

EdgeOfACoin · 26/12/2020 07:55

Five years?

Based on what other posters have said, I agree this does not sound like any sort of proper relationship. Why are you putting up with it? Are you scared that you might not find someone else if you leave?

daisychain01 · 26/12/2020 08:00

him knowing you'd be alone on Christmas Eve and choosing to be elsewhere really says it all.

Exactly. The 'boyfriend' knowingly leaves the OP on her own every Christmas for 5 years - if that isn't the clearest message ever, I don't know what is. Plus moving an hour's drive away.

Trouble is, the OP isn't able to accept reality and keeps going back for more of the same.

AllTheCakes · 26/12/2020 08:07

After reading your posting history about this man, he really isn’t interested. He treats you as his last priority and uses you for sex. For your own sake, please break this off and find someone who does want to spend time with you and values you. You deserve more than being the last option, otherwise you will continual be asking on MN for advice that’s already been given over and over again. Why can’t you see it?

Pansypotter123 · 26/12/2020 08:08

How does he treat you otherwise? Nice Christmas gift? What did you get him?

newyearisnewtome · 26/12/2020 08:11

Sorry this happened. Are you sure he considers you a girlfriend? and that he knows that it's a relationship rather than FWB?

HollowTalk · 26/12/2020 08:13

@Outdoorsie

I'm the least needy person you could meet... he's even said so himself. I've decided I'm going to bring up how he actually feels about me... whether he loves me/ likes my company and hanging out, because he's not one for ever expressing how he feels.
There's no need to humiliate yourself by asking him. He is showing you exactly how he feels. I would hate this, too.
newyearisnewtome · 26/12/2020 08:15

Woah woah woah. OP you're in your 40s/50s! come on! please WANT better for yourself. Move on from this. I've read a few of your other posts...this isn't a relationship. There is probably some amazing guy out there waiting for someone like you, please do better. I assumed you were early 20s writing this! come on...believe that you can do better, he isnt worth it.

LuckyAmy1986 · 26/12/2020 08:16

I'm the least needy person you could meet... he's even said so himself
Well it’s not something to be proud of if you’ve never expressed when things like this have bothered you! And now you are expecting things to change suddenly after five years? He can do what he wants because he doesn’t get any grief from
You. Up your standards.

Boulshired · 26/12/2020 08:17

In fairness to the boyfriend with his actions over 5 years he is clearly showing the level of his commitment. He is happy with the current situation. OP needs to lower her expectations on the relationship or get out. Assuming she’s not 16, then five years into a relationship with little communication is not great.

Kokosrieksts · 26/12/2020 08:25

Do yourself a favor and break this “Relationship” off. If you leave you at least have a chance of getting your self esteem back.

Mulhollandmagoo · 26/12/2020 08:31

You don't need to be bringing up how he feels about you, he's told you through his actions how he feels about you, I can tell you how he feels about you from this post alone! You need to get rid of him, and work on your self esteem

rwalker · 26/12/2020 08:33

You clearly don't like his friends you are ok about everything but the fact he spent time alone with people you don't like I would find that very controlling.

People are getting hung up about the fact you weren't together on Christmas day not everyone spend it together nothing wrong with that.

ReindeerAntlerLights · 26/12/2020 08:35

After reading your posting history about this man, he really isn’t interested. He treats you as his last priority and uses you for sex

I remember you too. This is very sad that you are still clinging to this thing that isn't even a relationship. You need to know you are worth more than this, more than a shag when he feels like it. You need to close your legs sweetheart. You want someone who will make you a priority. This pathetic excuse for a man isn't it.

I hope this time next year you are posting to tell us you have met someone else and he spoilt you at Christmas after staying over from Christmas eve. You are worth this much at least.

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 26/12/2020 08:36

After 5 years together I would be concerned if my dp didn't ever spend a Christmas with me. Is it worth reevaluating the relationship ?

topcat2014 · 26/12/2020 08:40

Married with a child and house within 5 years here.

We met in Sept and didn't see each other much that first Christmas though

Time to move on OP

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 26/12/2020 08:48

After reading the previous comments, I have read your previous posts and am now really emotionally overinvested in this!

OP, your boyfriend sounds HORRIBLE! You have been posting threads of SO long feeling uncertain, unloved, uncared for - why are you still with this person? It sounds like he makes NO effort to make you feel special or to treat you with love or respect. He moved away to a place you don't even like with no regard to your feelings. I think you even wrote yourself that you're just sort of drifting along. Drifting along always being last priority, always having to post on MN because - well, i think because you KNOW this relationshop isn't right or normal or probably even healthy. It can't be good for your mental health or self esteem to be bumbling along with this idiot who doesn't ever put you first and who, it seems like, honestly doesn't really care whether you stay together or not? (I'm so sorry if that sounds harsh but wouldn't he make some effort if he did? Would he have moved so far away?)

I don't remember word-for-word your other threads but i think he even told you that he 'doesnt know how he feels'. When you love someone, you KNOW you love them. When you care about someone, you KNOW you care about them, when you enjoy someone's company you know this too. It seems to be that 'i don't know what i feel' basically always seems to mean 'i don't feel the way about you that you want me to'. OP PLEASE LTB! I don't know you but every woman deserves better than this. From your post, I assumed this guy was 19 or 20 and I thought he was a shit then, but now I know your age I think he is even more of a shit! By his age he should know 1) what he wants from a relationship and how to communicate that 2) how to be respectful and caring to a partner and 3) how to end a relationship if your heart isn't in it.

My dad and stepmum met in their late fifties and they are the most wonderfully happy couple I know! You deserve that too. Please don't waste another 5 years writing threads about how your boyfriend is neglefting you and making you feel full of doubt and unloved. Start 2021 on a positive and LTB.

Kalula · 26/12/2020 09:13

Oh OP, I'm so sorry, but it really doesn't sound like he is that invested. After 6 months to a year most people I know have moved in together. 5 years and you two are both still almost like strangers dating. I would be devastated if the man I loved didn't want to spend Christmas day with me. I think it's time to tell him to 'shit or get off the pot'. If you want a permanent relationship with him, you need to tell him and let him know he needs to make up his mind. I can imagine it's terribly upsetting for you, it's almost like he is waiting to see if something better comes along. After 5 years I would be expecting to spend Christmas together. You are not being unreasonable to be upset. Not at all. You really do need to speak to him. It's not fair on you and why wouldn't he want to spend Christmas with you.

Somersetlady · 26/12/2020 09:14

Bizzare question.

If he bought her lavish Christmas gifts would it make it ok that she was so miserable about him spending Christmas alone?