Hair in Yuletide log is the final straw

[Aibuuuu]

I’m currently a sahm, worked all my life full time, currently at home with toddler Dd until
she starts nursery in September.
Dp works Mon-Fri-8-6 and a couple of Saturdays. He worked up until Xmas Eve.
Because he was working the majority of the time, I organised everything for Christmas, planning, buying, wrapping all presents which I knew she’d adore, organising and implementing all Dds Xmas activities, planning, buying, cooking Christmas Eve meal, breakfast, lunch and full Christmas dinner today etc etc.
Dp finished at lunch yesterday, went for a three hour lunch with work, whilst I dealt with a teething Dd. He came home to the Christmas Eve meal, I sorted her for bed and he just had to put the presents downstairs.
He spent the whole day today complaining he’s tired, whilst he sat on the sofa with his phone, occasionally playing with Dd, whilst I made dinner etc etc. We sat down to eat the dessert (a homemade chocolate log I did with Dd) As he was cutting it, it had one of my long hairs in it by accident. I realise a hair in food is gross, I’m still suffering the after effects of covid from March and my hair is coming out more than usual, which he knows and is really upsetting to me.
The look of disgust on his face over discovering the hair was just horrible.
Aibu just to feel upset that I put such a huge effort in (which I love doing so no being a martyr here) and to have no appreciation whatsoever.
My Dd is running around wanting to play with only her dad all day, probably because she doesn’t see him much, but still he’s always the hero.
Dp then said should we take Dd and dog for a walk, I said I’m really tired (was up all night with crying, teething Dd) he retorted that so was he but it was for them and doing things for them..! (As if that’s what I haven’t been doing 🤷🏻‍♀️)
I basically did Christmas and always do and it counts for sweet fa.

He’s off from work for ten days now and I’m dreading it

It does seem like a great overreaction on his part.

That sounds monumentally shitty, @Aibuuuu - and you are not at all unreasonable to be very pissed off.

Can you turf him out with dd and the dog, and have a large glass of something in the bath? And then, once Christmas is over, sit him down and show him a list of everything you did, to make Christmas happen for your dd and for him, and everything he did. Ask him why he doesn’t feel that the huge list of things you did merits even a tiny bit of appreciation from him. Then point out you were tired too, and that next Christmas is going to be different - he will be doing more, and he will be a damn sight more appreciative of your efforts too.

If my DH ever looks askance at one of my shedded hairs, wherever it is, I just ask him if he would prefer it if I shaved it off.

It sounds like the "who's tiredest" competition is the bigger issue than the hair in the Yule log.
Someone a lot wiser than me on MN said once (or twice) that the best thing when you have a LO is not to get into a "tiredness war" with your DP over who is tiredest, it's a road to misery. Sometimes me and DH get drawn into it but then we catch ourselves on, one of us points out that we're both tired, and we back down and try to both have empathy for each other and support each other. It sounds like you and DP are both feeling unappreciated and tired, but it's not a game of who's tiredest, you both need to be on the same page and pitching in. Is there any way you can talk to him about this?

I hear you. I have done everything here bar a few presents DP ordered off Amazon. I had a lot to get done yesterday and knew we were out for the afternoon and was a bit stressed in the morning which DP picked up on and offered to help when we got home which is great. Except when we got home he disappeared into the garage to do god knows what leaving me with the prep and DS to look after. I just got the cake iced ready for DS to decorate when he decided to come in and take DS for a video call with relatives.

What bugs me most is that when DS looks back on his childhood Christmas he'll probably remember decorating the cake with daddy, having Popcorn, hot chocolate and a movie with dad, having a Christmas eve bath with dad, putting the stockings and Santa mince pie/carrot out with dad while mum is busy in the kitchen! They almost opened their stockings without me this morning too.

Some blokes just don't get it.

Did he say anything about the hair or just look disgusted? Natural reaction isnt it though

I couldn’t eat food after finding a hair in it - sorry. I realise you’ve put a lot of work in to everything but hair in food turns my stomach.

It should be a funny thing; not something to over dramatise. At least he knows the origin of the hair! Would he like you to wear a hair net in future when you're at the stove?

I think you are overreacting because you are so stressed up?
My hair ended up in the food in the past, and of course they make the face, it's disgusting , but that's it. Took it out, eat them happily afterwards. It happens, and it's not big deal, really. You need a break. If he's off for 10 days, let him take care of dd and lots of house stuff.

@Waveysnail @RoseCider I don’t love it either, but I just felt embarrassed and disappointed after running around and trying to make every aspect so lovely and to see that look. He didn’t say anything, but his face definitely said it all and just looked so disgusted. I felt like shoving it all in his face after all my effort and attempts to make everyone happy.

@WhyDoesItAlways Completely agree, she always sees him as the fun one, because as you say, I’m basically stuck in the kitchen and organising it all, but he swoops in and gets all the credit.

Completely agree, she always sees him as the fun one, because as you say, I’m basically stuck in the kitchen and organising it all, but he swoops in and gets all the credit.

May I ask something rather insensitive:

Why?

Why do you do it?

Christmas can be whatever you want it to be...

Hairs in food, my own the dog hair or anything-makes me vomit. It's a reaction I can not help and it affects me for a long time -the course of the meal.

This isn't personal my lovely xx

Assuming it wasn’t a pubic hair, I don’t know why the look of disgust is to be expected? It’s a hair, from the head of someone you he only knows, but loves, and has shared bodily fluids with. I wouldn’t say a look of disgust was required.

OP, you just sound very very unhappy- about more than the hair.

Suggest you wait until the heightened Christmas emotions have died down, and then have a chat about emotional load/wife work etc. It sounds very unbalanced and I’m not surprised you’re fed up.

*from the head of someone he not only knows but loves

tell him there's nothing for it but to now designate cooking as his responsibility, or cook for yourself but buy him ready meals and let him deal with them

I'd kick off verbally about his attitude, frankly.

Well after working ten hour days and then another eight on Christmas Eve- id say he’s perfectly justified in saying he is tired. Those mandatory office Christmas lunches are hardly fun. They’re like being a goldfish in a bowl being judged and watched while you perform being all happy and friendly with work mates as the office war stories drone on for hours and hours.
And finding a long hair in a cake is disgusting. So I don’t blame him having disgust as a reaction. At least he was decent enough not to say anything.
I agree with prior posters too that getting into a “I’m most tired” or “I do more than you do” war with a partner causes nothing but misery. Yes you’ve been running around doing Christmas stuff and watching DD, but ten hours days at work is also bloody hard and trining work too.
At least with your end of things- Christmas and such you have some control over how much to do. You might be doing too much if you are stressed and stuck in the kitchen too much. I don’t understand why you have special Christmas Eve meal, and special Christmas Day breakfast, lunch and dinner! Just do one special meal!

How are things between you when it's not Christmas? Sounds like you have yourself a little too much to do but the atmosphere sounds like it goes far deeper than just bring pissed off at a hair.

I’m sorry you’re so low and upset. I do think that your overall mood is making a bigger thing of this. Everyone in my family has had a hair (or two!) of mine in their food, no it’s not the nicest thing but it’s certainly not the end of the world.

The rest of the stuff, he is obviously a lazy knobber but try not to let it spoil the rest of the holiday. Say you’ll have a lie in tomorrow. Do it. Take yourself away for a nap if you need it. Don’t do everything.

Maybe going against the grain but I think YABU.
Your post is full of contradictions.

• You do all the work for Christmas but you don’t mind.
• He works a lot but you’re dreading him being at home.
• You realise hair in food is gross but then complain about the face he made.
• You say how little he does with your DD but then when he suggests a walk you don’t want to go.

Constructive advice? Tell him what you need or want him to do. Ask him to get up with your DD if you are shattered. Ask him to be more involved with your DD if you think he doesn’t do enough. Tell him you need him to share more of the load going forward.

@PlanDeRaccordement Yes, I’ve worked all those hours and then some as a teacher all my life. It’s hard also and I appreciate that, hence why I did it all, I would’ve absolutely loved to basically just work and come home to every other thing done for me 🤷🏻‍♀️
I just would’ve like some appreciation for things.
It wasn’t a particularly special breakfast but still a breakfast and Xmas Eve meal that needs to be done, because my child needs to be fed obviously!
I also hated work do’s, his is in a small company with friends he gets on with, it’s a big piss up, which again is fine and deserved and I see that, but when is my break and recognition, not even that..just not a look of disgust after everything else being done.

@ImPrincessAurora I would have loved to have gone for a walk but was shattered after the day and just wanted to sit down. He didn’t take her as generally doesn’t unless I go too.
I don’t think I’m full of contradictions, I love doing it all for my Dd, but would also like some sort of thanks for it if possible

@MustardMitt That’s the thing, a hair although not pleasant, isn’t that much of a big deal, I certainly wouldn’t pull such a strongly disgusted look after the person had gone to such an effort and was clearly trying to make things nice.