Hair in Yuletide log is the final straw

[Aibuuuu]

I’m currently a sahm, worked all my life full time, currently at home with toddler Dd until
she starts nursery in September.
Dp works Mon-Fri-8-6 and a couple of Saturdays. He worked up until Xmas Eve.
Because he was working the majority of the time, I organised everything for Christmas, planning, buying, wrapping all presents which I knew she’d adore, organising and implementing all Dds Xmas activities, planning, buying, cooking Christmas Eve meal, breakfast, lunch and full Christmas dinner today etc etc.
Dp finished at lunch yesterday, went for a three hour lunch with work, whilst I dealt with a teething Dd. He came home to the Christmas Eve meal, I sorted her for bed and he just had to put the presents downstairs.
He spent the whole day today complaining he’s tired, whilst he sat on the sofa with his phone, occasionally playing with Dd, whilst I made dinner etc etc. We sat down to eat the dessert (a homemade chocolate log I did with Dd) As he was cutting it, it had one of my long hairs in it by accident. I realise a hair in food is gross, I’m still suffering the after effects of covid from March and my hair is coming out more than usual, which he knows and is really upsetting to me.
The look of disgust on his face over discovering the hair was just horrible.
Aibu just to feel upset that I put such a huge effort in (which I love doing so no being a martyr here) and to have no appreciation whatsoever.
My Dd is running around wanting to play with only her dad all day, probably because she doesn’t see him much, but still he’s always the hero.
Dp then said should we take Dd and dog for a walk, I said I’m really tired (was up all night with crying, teething Dd) he retorted that so was he but it was for them and doing things for them..! (As if that’s what I haven’t been doing 🤷🏻‍♀️)
I basically did Christmas and always do and it counts for sweet fa.

Mine are now 25, 23 and 14 and they absolutely know who has put in the effort and does all the work day in day out. There will come a time when your DD will get that too. I’ve actually just told them all I’m spending next Christmas on Bondi beach. Alone.

he doesnt sou nd very grateful

a hair of mine was n dh's dinner the other day i jst said throw it away wont hurt you

[quote Aibuuuu]@PlanDeRaccordement Yes, I’ve worked all those hours and then some as a teacher all my life. It’s hard also and I appreciate that, hence why I did it all, I would’ve absolutely loved to basically just work and come home to every other thing done for me 🤷🏻‍♀️
I just would’ve like some appreciation for things.
It wasn’t a particularly special breakfast but still a breakfast and Xmas Eve meal that needs to be done, because my child needs to be fed obviously!
I also hated work do’s, his is in a small company with friends he gets on with, it’s a big piss up, which again is fine and deserved and I see that, but when is my break and recognition, not even that..just not a look of disgust after everything else being done.[/quote]
Oh, thank you for expanding on things, so the only reaction you got was the hair reaction. Yes I agree you do deserve some thanks and appreciation for everything else that you had done. It’s soul crushing to get no positive reactions.

@ImPrincessAurora I would have loved to have gone for a walk but was shattered after the day and just wanted to sit down. He didn’t take her as generally doesn’t unless I go too.

The hair is a red herring. What you’ve written above is the problem. He needs to take a LOT more responsibility for your DD and give you some mental and physical space to do other things without being resentful or overtired. The tiredness competition is frustrating too — he needs to understand when you are working hard too.

To me these would be big issues in a relationship and very much worth discussing with him. If he doesn’t shape up I’m not sure I could stay.

OP I get it 100%. I’ve been the SAHP and have my DH go to work before the kids are up and get back just in time to be ‘super dad’ and wind them all up before I start bedtime (while he showers and then eats the meal I’ve prepared).
The way I made a positive change was to improve my communication. I can’t do anything about his hours and I understand he’s tired when he gets home.
The way I turned it around was to ask him to take the lead at the weekends. He gets the kids up. He cooks the meals. We share the chores. It feels much more balanced. Can you think of what changes he can make to improve your quality of life? I agree with the poster above. Time for yourself is important. He should be able to comfortably take the lead when he’s not working and give you a break. Time to turn things around!

I think the hair isn't the issue, although some PP's seem to think it is. You feeling unappreciated for making an effort is the issue, and him sitting on his bum whilst you work.

I think there are 2 issues. You want him to share more of the work with you, and you need to get this straightened out in your head

Aibu just to feel upset that I put such a huge effort in (which I love doing so no being a martyr here) and to have no appreciation whatsoever

You're basically saying 'I make a big effort and I get upset if it doesn't get recognised' Which is what being a martyr is. If you want to do the work, you wouldn't be needing praise/recognition/thanks for it, because doing it would be meeting your needs already.

I used to do everything for Christmas, the Presents, shopping, wrapping, delivering (Including for his family), food shopping and prep, cooking on the day, the Christmas cake, baking and activities with the children, decorating the tree and house, cleaning the house Ready for visitors, organising Christmas socialising, EVERYTHING!
Then, one year, I said no more and made Dh step up and help with the shopping And wrapping, he now buys his own family presents and I has popped to different places to pick things up for me.

I think to start with I saw Christmas as ‘wife work’ as that is how it had been through my childhood. My mum did everything (she still does now), but I do not want my dc to take that in to adult hood, so changed my mindset. It’s made my Christmas far more enjoyable and bearable and at no point have I felt overwhelmed or that I have too much to cope with.

I don’t think Dh would comment if he found a hair in his food. Just fish it out and be grateful he had a meal prepared for him. Bit different if you were in a restaurant, but at home, just the immediate family, it’s not ideal, but really not the end of the world or worth him causing an issue over.

@Eckhart I don’t do it for the recognition at all, it’s definitely my choice and I realise I don’t have to, but it’s important to me to make things really special for Dd. I don’t need the recognition, however I guess after all that, I don’t need the disgusted face either, by him doing that, it just felt like ‘Ah fuck it then’

@Maryann1975 Yep, do all of it to that extent to. I suppose because he’s at work and I’m not, that’s the issue..I felt I should be doing all that whilst he’s working. It will be a big shock when I’m back working as there’s no way that’s happening!
I feel it’s a big mental load too, to think of every little thing and today’s just felt like I’ve carried back and to for 12 hours

*to that extent too

You have one child to look after. And don't go out to work. Hairs in food is horrible. If you don't like the set up then change it. I dont think your DH has done anything wrong.

If you are doing it to make things special for DD, then can you recalibrate what you are doing?

Kids don't appreciate special meals or Yule logs, what they do appreciate is time with you.

So scrap the special breakfast and lunch, Christmas Eve meal (WTF even is that?) and do more of the walks, activities you do together and basically stuff that doesn't make you look like the domestic doormat and him the Disney superstar.

Otherwise what is she learning about men and women in relationships? That she should slave alway all day for no reward except a look of disgust?

And this is why being a single parent is the answer...!!

A lot of people have Christmas eve meals. Sometimes I cook a Christmas ham and we have it then and sometime we have something more luxurious - yesterday we had halibut. I keep the sides simple, though. Yesterday's meal was posh fish and chips.

@Viviennemary Merry Christmas to you.

@AnnaMagnani We do daily walks and activities together already. Christmas Eve was a picnic on the floor with all her favourite bits, she loved it, it makes her happy, that’s why I do it. A look of utter disgust, I don’t like and it brings down the mood.

@fairydustandpixies Yes! You could be on to something there 😂

@PickAChew Exactly, I didn’t think preparing something nice on Christmas Eve was so unusual 🤷🏻‍♀️

I honestly don't get why people find hair in food so disgusting. I mean, obviously it's not nice, but it's just a hair. I would be icked out if I found a stranger's hair in shop-bought food or a restaurant, but one of my own family's hairs? Meh.

Anyway, Op, you should tell your DP you're feeling under appreciated. He might just be thoughtless rather than a complete arse.

I can't help with the relationship issues (and it seems like there is more going on here) but maybe scaling things back is the way forward.

You don't need to organise and implement Christmas activities for a toddler? Nor do you really need to make a yuletide log / full on cater for every meal over the festive period? What is the point to overtax yourself in these areas but miss out on the fun / more chilled out stuff?

@Whererainfalls

I honestly don't get why people find hair in food so disgusting. I mean, obviously it's not nice, but it's just a hair. I would be icked out if I found a stranger's hair in shop-bought food or a restaurant, but one of my own family's hairs? Meh.

Anyway, Op, you should tell your DP you're feeling under appreciated. He might just be thoughtless rather than a complete arse.

Me neither, hair turns up from time to time in homemade food. It's only our hair, nothing revolting. You get a clap in our house if you find the hair.

So was it an automatic look of disgust when he saw it, no comment l, food put aside, carry on OR an overdramatic face twisted with a fake retch as he pushes the place across the table and complains about how hungry he still is?

Cos honestly I think a disgusted look is a natural reaction. He's hardly gonna suck it as he pulls it out his mouth and tell you the dessert is as tasty as you are. Or mash it on and swallow it so you don't notice.

You do sound overly resentful that you made tea last night and breakfast today and played with DD whilst her Dad was at work. Of you don't want to do it, you need to him. Same for lunch today. Once he's home catering is no longer YOUR job.

It is shit he's not said thank you once for all the stuff you've sorted over Xmas, but again you need to tell him you feel underappreciated.

The look when he pulled human hair from his food isn't really the issue

YANBU, but I must admit I do have a bit of a phobia of random hairs, especially when I'm in the shower and there's one stuck on the wall or one in my food.

If I eat out and find a hair in my food, I can't eat the dish anymore. Having said that. my mum is shedding a lot now, and when she brings me food, I check every bite for a hair, but I still eat it, as I love her.

[quote Aibuuuu]@Maryann1975 Yep, do all of it to that extent to. I suppose because he’s at work and I’m not, that’s the issue..I felt I should be doing all that whilst he’s working. It will be a big shock when I’m back working as there’s no way that’s happening!
I feel it’s a big mental load too, to think of every little thing and today’s just felt like I’ve carried back and to for 12 hours[/quote]
Then you need to start now

If there’s just the three of you how is the cooking today any different from any ordinary day? You don’t eat more, surely? I cook a full meal from scratch every evening and I work full time. Today is no more work than any other, just different ingredients. If you’re a “fish fingers and oven chips” type of cook then today can be overwhelming but for anyone who cooks regularly it’s not that much different. But you make it sound like the 12 labors of Hercules.

What exactly did you expect your boyfriend to do if he’s working 10-hour days so that you can stay at home with the child?