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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just announced PILs are spending Xmas with exw and SDCs...

62 replies

Contraversial · 25/12/2020 01:46

For context, PILs hate me. I'll never be the mother of his children, can't even remember my DCs names, despite being together 6 years. Exw is very bitter, cut contact with PILs when I got together with DH. DSC were fine with us being together until divorce came through. Exw had promised them DH would come back to her. Since divorce, DSC have had no contact with DH, even when he was seriously ill in hospital.
He's been a bit off for the last couple of days and just blurted out that exw and SDCs are spending Xmas with his parents.
AIBU to stop making an effort? DSC are adults, my DC are kids.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/12/2020 01:50

How can you make an effort with people who won't communicate with you? Just let it go, allow them to do whatever they do, and live your life.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 25/12/2020 01:50

I hope you can have an enjoyable Christmas despite everything that’s going on. If you can, tell yourself that you and your partner are having this Christmas together, just the two of you, having delivered made that choice, and are ignoring any potential difficulties until the new year.

Good luck and Merry Christmas 🎄 Smile

StillCoughingandLaughing · 25/12/2020 01:51

Delivered? Deliberately 😁

Bonnieonthelam · 25/12/2020 01:52

Sorry to hear that your PIL’s are uncaring. I would be livid too, but then I thought if it in this way - they are spending Xmas with their grandkids. And in the scheme of things that’s ok. Yes, you should scale back efforts. Concentrate on your own kids and husband. I’d be livid if he was off celebrating with them. Have a lovely Xmas and take care x

funinthesun19 · 25/12/2020 03:01

Ah leave them all to it. You have your own lives to live. They aren’t worth your time and energy.

Charlie63849 · 25/12/2020 03:14

Are your DC there gran kids?

BlueThistles · 25/12/2020 03:17

Ignore the twats.. don't give them your energy... close the door permanently 🌺

FindHungrySamurai · 25/12/2020 03:21

YANBU to not make an effort with people who dislike you - you don’t say how long it’s taken but it doesn’t seem likely to change.

But it’s not unreasonable for them to spend Christmas with their DGC.

katy1213 · 25/12/2020 03:28

Why should they have to drop her just because you came along? Their choice how they spend Christmas.

PoulePouletteEternellement · 25/12/2020 03:30

So did the ExW's previous stance of no contact with your DH mean that the grandparents saw less of the children? Because one could understand they might be very keen to accede to whatever arrangement ensured access to the grandchildren.

Why has your DH been 'off'? Is he annoyed on your behalf? Or miffed that he finds himself left out of their happy family party?

What is the effort you have previously been making? Have you been hoping for some rapprochement with the grandparents for the sake of your own children?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 25/12/2020 03:33

Why do you think it’s unreasonable for grandparents to spend the day with their grandchildren?
Hope you manage to have a great day, focus on the happiness of your DCs.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 25/12/2020 03:44

Are your DC with DH or from a previous relationship?

Yanbu to not make an effort for people not interested in you but they ANBU to spend Christmas with their DGC.

Were you the Ow

popsydoodle4444 · 25/12/2020 04:29

PIL need to grow up;you've done absolutely nothing wrong;it wouldn't have mattered who their son dated following the breakdown of his marriage they would have gotten the same treatment.

As grown adults and this now also applies to the adult step children they should be able to recognise and acknowledge that people can't,don't and won't always stay together in a unhappy marriage and you can't force someone to get back together with someone that don't want to be with.

Unless the marriage breakdown was the result of an affair and you were the OW then that's absolutely no need for this disgusting behaviour from them.

The ex wife sounds like she could do with some counselling to help her to move tbh.

Fbtw · 25/12/2020 04:33

His parents are entitled to a relationship with their grandchildren outside of you.

Are your children their grandchildren?

If your step children are adults, their mother has been in their lives a long time and they’re entitled to a relationship with her too. Especially this year when they would have to choose and she might have been left on her own if her children went to your in laws.

You are entitled not to want to make an effort.

Umbongi · 25/12/2020 05:06

Everyone will say 'why shouldn't they see their GCs, why shouldn't they have a relationship with their exDIL and so on' but that's not really the problem imo.

The problem is they hate you and don't bother with your DC for no reason other than you're married to their son. That is not on and that's why I'd be cutting contact and making no further effort.

It actually sounds as though they may have been emotionally blackmailed into carrying on a relationship with their exDIL considering you say she cut contact with them when your husband met you.

Umbongi · 25/12/2020 05:07

It's also possible to carry on being friendly / have a relationship with your ex DIL and not be a cunt to your new one. It's a shame they seem incapable.

Confusedandshaken · 25/12/2020 05:12

I can understand why this has reinforced you feeling slighted or excluded by your PIL but I'm happy for those children that they still have a relationship with their dad's parents.

I'm over 60 and my parents split up when I was 2. I have very happy memories of time spent with my dads parents when I was tiny, much more so than with my dad, but after my mum remarried I never saw or heard from them (or my dad) again. It still hurts that I was cut out of their lives like that.

IHaveBrilloHair · 25/12/2020 05:14

I can't actually see anything wrong here.

Wannabangbang · 25/12/2020 05:19

I personally think it's wonderful when pil don't dump the original dil and kids because most do. They are still their family whether you came along or not but they need to make efforts with your family too but given the covid circumstances maybe they had to choose

IHaveBrilloHair · 25/12/2020 05:26

I didn't marry my ex, mainly because he funked off and left me when Dd was six weeks old.
She's now 19, and has her own home with her long term boyfriend.
I've seen my (sort of) in laws once in all those years as they live in Australia and Dd's father has never bothered at all.

For Christmas this year we both got a gift, and aswell as giving Dd money they gave me money to treat myself, just for me.
They also pay regularly to Dd even though they don't have to.

They are good people who recognise their Granddaughter and me for raising her.

Henrysmycat · 25/12/2020 05:29

OP, were you the OW in their marriage?
In my DH’s family, when this happened everyone was against the OW and their DF. They never ever bothered with her and kept minimum contact with their father until he divorced her. It was not unheard of, to spend Christmas with their paternal widow grandmother, their DM and ignore their DF and OW.
Even when the OW died, after divorced with their DF, only one of the her stepchildren went to the funeral. (And that’s my DH because we discussed it at length).
I’m not saying what’s right or wrong I’m just stating how people react.

coldwaterfeed · 25/12/2020 05:43

Just ignore the lot of them. Let DH do what he wants with his children.

Assuming you weren’t the OW?

ApolloandDaphne · 25/12/2020 06:01

I have my brothers ex wife and their daughter for Christmas most years. I keep his new wife at arms length as I really don't like her or my brother for that matter! It doesn't seem odd to me at all.

coldwaterfeed · 25/12/2020 06:03

@ApolloandDaphne not very helpful to OP

FestiveChristmasLights · 25/12/2020 06:05

Considering the restrictions this year with who can see whom, I wouldn’t mind too much. Besides, it sounds like you don’t have a relationship with them anyway.

Hope you enjoy your Christmas regardless.

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