DH just announced PILs are spending Xmas with exw and SDCs...

[Contraversial]

For context, PILs hate me. I'll never be the mother of his children, can't even remember my DCs names, despite being together 6 years. Exw is very bitter, cut contact with PILs when I got together with DH. DSC were fine with us being together until divorce came through. Exw had promised them DH would come back to her. Since divorce, DSC have had no contact with DH, even when he was seriously ill in hospital.
He's been a bit off for the last couple of days and just blurted out that exw and SDCs are spending Xmas with his parents.
AIBU to stop making an effort? DSC are adults, my DC are kids.

They want to spend their Christmas with their grandchildren, what's wrong with that?

Their son has had one failed relationship, he could have another and your children would be nothing to them. I wouldn't do that, but I've welcomed children into the family, bonded with them, to never see them again after a split. So I'm now wary.

Didn't your DH communicate that there would be no getting back together to his children, or did he take the easy option? Has he been a better step father than a father? There's obviously complexities at play.

Why do people not think this is wrong, if I broke up with DH and my mum chose to spend Christmas Day with him and not me I’d be mortified

This.

Dbro’s wife cheated on him. That his parents continued their relationship with her as if nothing had happened nearly broke him. He was living with them as she kicked him out, he’d get in from work to find her sat having coffee in the kitchen.

I’d be telling my parents they invite him too.

So adult children were absolutely fine with you and your relationship with their dad, until the divorce was finalised - because they'd been promised all along that their dad would go back to their mum, and when that didn't happen they cut contact and no longer see him?

That sounds really implausible. It requires adult children to believe that he was going to go back to their mum despite the visible evidence. It requires them to pretend to be ok with you for a very long time. It requires them to callously and completely cut off their dad once they realised he was happy with you and wouldn't be going back to their mum. Something doesn't ring true.

They are spending Christmas with their grandchildren. This seems the natural thing to do. Good for them.

Sounds like there is some missing backstory. You were together before the divorce so legally that does make him adulterous (which is important to some people especially if religious). Did your DH leave his wife for you? If that is the case all of this is perfectly understandable.

If you were not the OW, its a bit shit but it is what it is. You are best off leaving them to it.

@Micah

Why do people not think this is wrong, if I broke up with DH and my mum chose to spend Christmas Day with him and not me I’d be mortified

This.

Dbro’s wife cheated on him. That his parents continued their relationship with her as if nothing had happened nearly broke him. He was living with them as she kicked him out, he’d get in from work to find her sat having coffee in the kitchen.

I’d be telling my parents they invite him too.

Well that is horrendous and I can well imagine that would be devastating for your brother.

To entertain your ex SIL in their house when he is living there, having been thrown out of his home, speaks volumes about your parents.

I don’t think it is odd for grandparents to spend Christmas with their grandchildren.

The timeline really isn't clear here. Were you the OW?

There's obviously a backstory to this and it might be that the EXW is an evil witch, but there's not enough info here to tell.

I agree its good that they support the mother of their gc and we don't know the ins and outs here do we?. Why that marriage broke down? Was their son an absolute arse? What has the mum gone through.

As other pp said, that's irrelevant really because you are not the mother of their gc..

But as someone married to their son one would expect them to extend respect and courtesy to you!! Unless they dislike or are ashamed of their son.

Try and forget it, many pils dislike the mother of their gc anyway.. It's hard enough with difficult pils, even harder as you are one removed.

You can't change this and it will only cause upset. Put it all to bed and in the new year have zero expectations of them, accept it and move on.

I do think a 'new' wife is probably the least competent person in the world to be able to judge the state of mind of the first wife.

So I take 'bitter' with a pinch of salt.

It depends on the relationship and the break down of the first relationship. I adore my SIL, have a better relationship with her than DB and she did much more for my parents than my brother and due to distance than me. If they spilt and hope we would remain as close. My parents would have found it extremely difficult if they had have to pick sides

There's obviously a back story. They don't like you and want nothing to do with you and the children don't see their dad any longer despite being adults and capable of baking up their mind.

I expect they believe they have good reason for wanting to stay away. They have clearly continued to have contact with their paternal grand parents through their mum. It doesn't seem odd at all in these circumstances that they might have decided to spend Christmas together.