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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just announced PILs are spending Xmas with exw and SDCs...

62 replies

Contraversial · 25/12/2020 01:46

For context, PILs hate me. I'll never be the mother of his children, can't even remember my DCs names, despite being together 6 years. Exw is very bitter, cut contact with PILs when I got together with DH. DSC were fine with us being together until divorce came through. Exw had promised them DH would come back to her. Since divorce, DSC have had no contact with DH, even when he was seriously ill in hospital.
He's been a bit off for the last couple of days and just blurted out that exw and SDCs are spending Xmas with his parents.
AIBU to stop making an effort? DSC are adults, my DC are kids.

OP posts:
SnailortheWhale · 25/12/2020 06:17

Were you the OW? In any case you were together before his divorce came through....what was the gap?

Bluntness100 · 25/12/2020 06:30

How long after they split did you get together op?

SoupDragon · 25/12/2020 06:41

You don't like them, they don't like you. You should be delighted! Just be distant but polite and leave it at that.

SisterlyCare · 25/12/2020 06:49

I don’t think they should cut off their exDIL who raised their grandkids for all those years. And they’re entitled to want to spend time with their grandkids.. probably they’re compensating for the fact they’re not getting much out of their dad due to what sounds like him having split loyalties.

As long as they accept and respect you it’s fine. They don’t have to be in love with you and you don’t need to compare yourself.

But why won’t they accept their grandkids ?! Are they theirs?

sparticuscaticus · 25/12/2020 06:54

PILs aren't choosing Exw over you, they are choosing DSC, their GC over you & DH & your(?) DC
If DC are shared abs their GC then that's bit shitty but if pils are older and yours go to school, there may be an appropriate Covid reason to protect themselves or a Xmas bubble reason, (3 households in total, not each side).

However if PILs hate you and rarely bother, then forget them and enjoy your lovely family for Xmas. I would be glad not to have to do obligatory visit to people that treat with with disdain nor want my DCs to see that.

billybagpuss · 25/12/2020 07:05

Why do people not think this is wrong, if I broke up with DH and my mum chose to spend Christmas Day with him and not me I’d be mortified.

Of course they are still allowed a relationship with ex dil and dgc. But you make an effort with your ds and new family too.

Hope you’re able to have a lovely Christmas op and your DH is ok, yanbu to stop making an effort but be guided by DH you don’t want to cut his kids off for his sake.

HmmSureJan · 25/12/2020 07:12

My friends husband left her for OW when she was 6 weeks off giving birth to their second child. The in laws took her side and that of their very young grandchildren and I believe they were right to do so. They may have built bridges with him now, was a long time ago, but I remember being full of respect for the choice they made.

I'm not saying that anything like that happened here but was reminded of it by your thread OP. Is there more to this? Was there a blurring of the lines between them separating and you getting together?

whiteroseredrose · 25/12/2020 07:22

It's not straightforward. Ex has been in their lives for possibly 20 years if the DGC are adults. She is the mother of their grandchildren and a member of their family. They may well love her. I love my PIL. For years I've spoken them more regularly than DH has.

My PIL are still in contact with their other DIL despite her splitting up with BIL 10 years ago. If PIL had relied on their son for a relationship with their DGC it would have been a non starter. (they live abroad). But my SIL has facilitated contact. We all still love her.

Why do you think your PIL hate you? What is their relationship with their son like? (And were you the OW?)

dudsville · 25/12/2020 07:25

I didn't want to vote on such a sad and complex topic. Yanbu, but this is a very torn up family and the path towards a happy outcome isn't guaranteed. I hope you can all have a nice day today.

Umbongi · 25/12/2020 07:30

I don't see why on these threads that keeping a relationship with your exDIL has to come at the expense of having no relationship with your new one.

As a PP said, I'd be hurt if my parents did this. Not because they'd stayed in touch with my ex but because (as OP said), they 'hated' my husband and made no effort.

It shouldn't be one or the other. People should be able to do both.

My grandparents on my mum's side are always kind to my Dad (my mum left him for someone else and he was my RP), they still love him and care about him. But they also haven't shut out my mum's husband either (granted he's not the guy she left for, but even if he were).

They still want a relationship with my Dad but it doesn't have to be at the expense of their daughter and new SIL either. And thankfully, my Dad is adult enough not to blackmail his exPIL into feeling like they have to.

MzHz · 25/12/2020 07:31

What kind of effort are you talking about?is it you who drives contact with dsc etc, cards and presents for them? For his parents?

Stop the wife work and let him work it all out.

greenspacesoverthere · 25/12/2020 07:36

Why is it wrong for your ex PIL to spend time with their DIL and grandkids?

Have I missed something? Confused

Chicchicchicchiclana · 25/12/2020 07:49

I think the biggest thing in your op is that your husband's children no longer have any contact with him. Why is that? They are adults so surely it can't all be down to his "bitter" ex wife? I'm not sure why you are so bothered about this Christmas arrangement in the context of the bigger picture. Does your husband feel that his relationship with his children can be salvaged? Even if you can't stand his parents and vice versa is that really the major issue here?

Hannahmates · 25/12/2020 08:00

I don't see what PIL are doing wrong. They are choosing to spend time with their grandchildren and the mother of their grandchildren.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 25/12/2020 08:06

Really, really need the other side of this one. No accusations, but when things are this bitter, you simply can't have an informed opinion with only one side. Just too many unknowns. And there isn't anything wrong, objectively, with what they're doing.

Try to enjoy your Christmas despite it all.

1992serpent · 25/12/2020 08:13

I can see from their point of view, why bother having a happy time with their father who ran off with some other woman. My dad (selfishly) did the same and we dont involve ourselves with him or his children or his wife.

happytoday73 · 25/12/2020 08:32

I could understand this more if their grandkids were kids but you say they are now adults...... On that note I'd just get on with your life and leave them all too it.

JacobReesMogadishu · 25/12/2020 08:34

Are you worried your dh wishes he was there too?

Why are his adult kids now having no contact with him if they were ok about things initially? Do they think he stuffed her over in the divorce settlement? Is he trying to sort out his relationship with them, how long has it been? I think the I’ve rather relationship is a more pressing issue than Xmas arrangements.

jalopy · 25/12/2020 08:35

Were you the OW?

NailsNeedDoing · 25/12/2020 08:36

What difference does it make to you if your step children have Christmas with their Grandparents or not? It has no effect on you so yabu.

Stinkyjellycat · 25/12/2020 08:46

I was all set to say that YANBU until I realised that DH’s children are adults and your children are yours and not DH’s (have I read that right?). If so, the ‘children’ can make up their own minds and it’s natural that the GPs want to be with their grandchildren. Your children aren’t their GC and while it would be nice if they treated your kids better, you can’t blame them for wanting to be with DH’s kids. The exW is irrelevant.

GreenClock · 25/12/2020 08:53

This is one of those AIBUs where it might be useful to have the other side.

Why is the ex so bitter? Was your partner stringing her along until he met you perhaps? Or was there an overlap? Seems strange that the adult kids haven’t made peace with him unless they come from some backward culture where divorce is taboo.

CeibaTree · 25/12/2020 09:14

There must be more to this story OP, it does seem extreme that adult children are so bitter towards your DH even to the point where they didn't get in touch when he was very ill.

Like pp, I can't see what's wrong with your PiL spending christmas with their grandchildren and the children's mother. I hope you and your DH have a nice day together whatever the case. You need to reframe this in your head starting with stop being dramatic about it - did your DH really 'announce' this, or just mention it?

billy1966 · 25/12/2020 09:21

OP
If those children are adults they obviously have a long standing relationship with their grandparents.

You are with a man with huge baggage.

His parents want contact with their grandchildren.

Understandably.

If they hate you then its a done deal.
Move on.

It reads as if ye don't have children together?

If not then they have even less reason to be involved.

You can't change them.

If they love their ex DIL and grandchildren and wish to spend Christmas with them, that is their choice.

Enjoy your Christmas.
Flowers

Viviennemary · 25/12/2020 09:23

We're you the OW. Why do they dislike you.