Aibu to be upset with partner breaking tier 4 rules

[Medics87]

I would really like some advice as to whether I’m overreacting.

I’m spending Christmas with my partner. This is the first time in 7.5 years he’s invited me to stay over Xmas and have Xmas dinner with his family. I got to his on Friday as planned before Tier 4 was announced.

It turns out his parents are still going ahead with Xmas dinner, and there will 4 households mixing (partner, partner’s brother, grandma and parents). I’ve said that I won’t go because I don’t feel comfortable breaking tier 4 rules. This has been exacerbated by the fact that I’m a mature medical student and I’ve just finished doing a 2 month emergency medicine and acute care placement. During this placement I saw a few patients actually pass away due to covid complications on my shifts and it’s really affected me.

I’ve spoken to my partner about it, and he’s still going ahead and spending the afternoon with his parents and has said that I can stay at his.

I feel really upset, as I don’t feel like I’m his priority. It’s the first time we’ve spent Christmas together (previous years, him and his family have not invited me/he’s refused my invitation, despite his younger brother’s gf getting invites etc).

Also before I came, I got covid tests done at uni, as his family were insistent that i could only come if I test negative. Which I had no problem doing, however they’ve been flouting all the rules in place and none of them have got tested. I know obviously I’m a higher risk, having been in London and in ICU/A&E etc. However, it just feels a bit hypocritical.

I’m just sat here on Xmas eve crying and wishing that I went home to my parents instead. I went out earlier and I’ve got the ingredients to make my own Xmas dinner/lunch whilst partner is spending the day at his parents

I don't think you're overreacting. Just wanted to send you a big hug. Is there any way you could get yourself home tomorrow instead? Do you have a car? X

YANBU. They are fools. Personally I’d pack my stuff and go back to tier 4. Might as well be alone at your own house than alone at his. Besides, do you want him coming back from his parents’ and possibly passing on anything he has caught from the others?

Also, if this is the first time in 7 1/2 years you’ve been “allowed” to spend Christmas with him, that’s not a good sign. Even worse that instead of finally spending the day with you he’d rather be with the others. As they say here on MN, you are not his priority I’m afraid.

YANBU. He is being an arse. No wonder you're upset.

Is there a way you can get back to your house? At least you would be at home with your own stuff?

After 7.5 years he needs to grow a backbone and decide if he wants an adult relationship. If he does then he needs to show you more respect and compassion.

When’s the earliest you can get back home?

YANBU. Your partner and his family are idiots. This is why we will all be in tier 4 for months, people are not following the rules, so covid keeps spreading.

Get yourself home or to your parents if possible. I wouldn't stay at your partner's house now that he's chosen to leave you on your own on Xmas day. So sorry you will be on your own. Sending you an unmumsnet hug.

It doesn't sound like much of a partnership. he sounds more of a long term boyfriend if you don't usually spend Christmas together. I'm surprised you didn't know until today who would be there for dinner. Grandma is maybe in a bubble with his parents if she lives alone so then it's just 3 households. I agree that he isn't prioritising your relationship though and him choosing to spend time with his parents not me would make me just drive home and never see him again.

Parent’s home is 150 miles away and unfortunately I don’t have a car. I would probably go back to London to my term time accommodation as it’s only an hour away by train, I assume the earliest I’ll be able to leave it Boxing Day if the trains are running then. Thanks for the virtual hug.

@Neverbeme

When’s the earliest you can get back home?

Most likely boxing day if public transport (trains) are running.

Do your parents have a car? Would they be able to collect you if you mask up, sit in the back, open windows?
I'm not sure it's within the rules, but if it gets you out of your current situation then it might be worth it

@LolaSmiles

Do your parents have a car? Would they be able to collect you if you mask up, sit in the back, open windows? I'm not sure it's within the rules, but if it gets you out of your current situation then it might be worth it

They do, unfortunately due to their age they aren't confident drivers. Also I don't want them to get into trouble as they are currently in a tier 2 area. I think the best option is to go back to university accommodation, that way I'm staying within tier 4. It might be miserable, but it's minimising trouble for parents and movement between different tiers. Just a bit sad, as I was really looking forward to this Christmas, even if it would have been just me and him.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Move on in 2021. You are too good for this. Good luck.

I'm sorry to hear that.

When all this is sorted, it might be worth thinking whether someone so selfish deserves such a caring partner. You are worth more than his poor behaviour.

Oh horrible! I think you should go home. Sorry you're having a shit Christmas.

Your partner sounds like a shit. YANBU at all. I'm sorry you're in this situation ☹️❤️ honestly there are men out there that listen to your worries and try their best to make you happy, even when it inconveniences them. Please tell this AH to piss off, and go find a decent one! xx

Really unkind of him just to leave you.

However, you can do what you want all day now so make the most of it and eat and drink what you want when you want !!

Op- has it really been ok with you that you havent spent Christmas together?

First time in 7.5 years that he’s invited you to stay at Christmas

Honestly it sounds like you’d be better off without him.

Why on earth has it been 7.5 years? I don't think the virus is the main issue here, sorry.

I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position OP. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all tbf.

I feel there are a lot of people like this out there. It’s almost like a ‘it happens to other people attitude’ but they don’t believe they can catch it or that it’s ok for them to break rules but not for anyone around them. It’s massively hypocritical of them, but the problem is they won’t ever see their actions as anything but acceptable as it suits them

"I feel really upset, as I don’t feel like I’m his priority."
Well, given that this is "the first time in 7.5 years he’s invited me to stay over Xmas and have Xmas dinner with his family" - I agree, you are not his priority. You are so far don his list of priorities I'm not sure you're on it at all.

This is no reflection on you. He just sounds like a waste of space and I am wondering why you tolerate his blatant disrespect for you.

New Years Resolution - ditch him. Seriously, you are worth more than this.

Why is it your first invite after 7.5 years? Sounds like you need a new partner!

You should be intelligent to see through all this noise and realise you need a new partner. You deserve far better all the way round.

*intelligent enough

This is the first time in 7.5 years he’s invited me to stay over Xmas and have Xmas dinner with his family.

I couldn't get past this to be honest. Another woman accepting crumbs.