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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be upset with partner breaking tier 4 rules

53 replies

Medics87 · 24/12/2020 23:29

I would really like some advice as to whether I’m overreacting.

I’m spending Christmas with my partner. This is the first time in 7.5 years he’s invited me to stay over Xmas and have Xmas dinner with his family. I got to his on Friday as planned before Tier 4 was announced.

It turns out his parents are still going ahead with Xmas dinner, and there will 4 households mixing (partner, partner’s brother, grandma and parents). I’ve said that I won’t go because I don’t feel comfortable breaking tier 4 rules. This has been exacerbated by the fact that I’m a mature medical student and I’ve just finished doing a 2 month emergency medicine and acute care placement. During this placement I saw a few patients actually pass away due to covid complications on my shifts and it’s really affected me.

I’ve spoken to my partner about it, and he’s still going ahead and spending the afternoon with his parents and has said that I can stay at his.

I feel really upset, as I don’t feel like I’m his priority. It’s the first time we’ve spent Christmas together (previous years, him and his family have not invited me/he’s refused my invitation, despite his younger brother’s gf getting invites etc).

Also before I came, I got covid tests done at uni, as his family were insistent that i could only come if I test negative. Which I had no problem doing, however they’ve been flouting all the rules in place and none of them have got tested. I know obviously I’m a higher risk, having been in London and in ICU/A&E etc. However, it just feels a bit hypocritical.

I’m just sat here on Xmas eve crying and wishing that I went home to my parents instead. I went out earlier and I’ve got the ingredients to make my own Xmas dinner/lunch whilst partner is spending the day at his parents

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 25/12/2020 07:18

"This is the first time in 7.5 years he’s invited me to stay over Xmas and have Xmas dinner with his family."

As well as that. There seems to be a, massive lack of communication between you. Did you not discuss what your first Christmas with his family would entail and who would be going?

Did you not expect to encounter dying patients in acute care? I've worked in end of life care and across medical settings as well as being in hospital seriously ill and I don't understand the grief around one category of infection, leading to death, as opposed to all the things people die of. I think you need to take into account that your decision has, been partly influenced by your experiences and it's a bit unfair for you to want him to cancel at the last minute.

I agree that your standards are way to low, though.

user1471462428 · 25/12/2020 07:19

I think this is an indication of what he’ll be like for the rest of his life. Not giving a shit about safety. If you have kids together no safe sleeping, not bothered about car seat safety, sticking an extra ounce in a bottle to fatten the kid up. Not listening to you when you’re unhappy and flouting safety rules are two massive red flags. My ex was like this and I just lived with my heart in my mouth. I don’t see how you can relax when he is breaking the rules. I’m an ex nurse (had a breakdown after the first wave) my heartfelt advice is to go back to halls and dump him. It will feel awful but there are kinder men out there for you.

Bouncebacker · 25/12/2020 07:23

Yep, I think you are done with this relationship. 7.5 years and he won’t prioritise you over his family, or even compromise due to the current situation. You deserve to be with someone who does. Have a restful day by yourself and then head home and reset

rainbowstardrops · 25/12/2020 07:24

So you haven't been invited in seven and a half years and now he's prioritising his family, knowing how you feel (rightly) and knowing you'll be on your own?
Why are you with him???
Best wishes to you though Thanks

AlwaysCheddar · 25/12/2020 07:26

Wow, he’s a dick. Seriously, dump him as you’re wasting your life with him. Move on. He’s not caring or prioritising you.

RedHelenB · 25/12/2020 07:27

I voted yanbu because I assumed you wouldn't then see him, but he's mixed with them and is then going to be with you so maybe you may as well have gone?

Jeremyironseverything · 25/12/2020 07:30

He's shown you his true colours. Up to you now, as to what you do with that info.

greenspacesoverthere · 25/12/2020 07:33

It's taken 7.5 years for him to allow you to spend Christmas with him and his family?

Good god

And now they're flouting the COVID rules which means you'll be on your own for a while today

I wouldn't date someone like this

InFiveMins · 25/12/2020 07:36

YABU. He isn't massively breaking the rules - an extra household - meh, wouldn't get wound up about that to be honest, I'd just get involved and enjoy the day.

eurochick · 25/12/2020 07:40

It's not completely clear from the OP but if the family is in tier 4, no household mixing is permitted.

Catsup · 25/12/2020 07:47

Tbh I think it's the least of your worries! It's been nearly 8yrs and him and his family are only now agreeing to you going over on Christmas day, but his siblings partners have?... Umm, personally I'd not be stressing over the Covid tiers dynamic, vs telling him and his family that clearly do not like you, to fuck right off!

PimlicoJo · 25/12/2020 07:48

Infivemins they are massively breaking the rules, in Tier 4 no household mixing on Xmas Day is allowed (except support bubbles).

Original poster
Medics87 · 25/12/2020 07:54

All the family members are living in a tier 4 area. Sorry if that wasn’t made clear. So there’s a clear mandate there saying no mixing.

With regards to communication, younger brother wasn’t meant to be coming, so that’s changed. I also asked around 2 weeks ago if rules would change, would that change plans and he said it would. He stated that if tiers changed and it meant that we weren’t allowed to go, then that’s what would happen. Now he’s stating him and his family are taking a calculated risk.

OP posts:
Catsup · 25/12/2020 08:05

Seriously OP you're flogging a dead horse. They've clearly not ever been arsed enough to invite you for the last 7yrs. So I personally choose to take far more from that than anything Covid related or otherwise.

JingleJohnsJulie · 25/12/2020 08:17

Is Grandma in a support bubble with the parents? I believe that quiet a few people are justifying having 4 households mixing.

Where do you normally live when you're not at Uni OP?

sparticuscaticus · 25/12/2020 08:17

You're going to have a miserable Xmas if you return home but regardless your DO is mixing snd returning to you at his afterwards.
So I guess you either go or return home.

It isn't great nor thoughtful behaviour by your DPs parents nor their family and DO especially as you are medical student abs have likely told DP how harrowing it was seeing people die of Covid or treating them.

Hmmm
Sudden new Tier 4 announcements has caught lots of communities off kilter, but, I agree with your concern

We've lost lots of food, going off, as can't do what we planned- tier 4. I had to race out to buy a joint as my parents had bought meat and me the rest.

I don't know what to say to make this better for you and suspect this is another broken floorboard under your relationship. They are "one way" ruling it (you have to be Covid checked and they can do "what they like" )

Seven years though of no invites? That's pretty poor. My DD would have invited her boyf of 6 months to ours for Boxing Day dinner if there hadn't been any Covid rules banning it (but we all have stuck carefully to rules) because that's normal kind family behaviour to welcome our loved ones' favourite people (& only because he'd have wanted to spend Xmas day with his family or he'd have been welcome then too)

sparticuscaticus · 25/12/2020 08:18

I meant DP not DO

Piwlyfbicsly · 25/12/2020 08:20

Your partner is prepared to break the law. I don't agree with many rules but it doesn't mean I will be comfortable breaking them. It's no life and death matter either. I know people sometimes break the rules when they have no choice (they will lose income and stay homeless, they need emergency childcare etc). In your partners' case, there is no excuse.

Di11y · 25/12/2020 08:24

The cases in Bedfordshire where I am have risen by 150% 2 weeks running. It was 77 per 100,000 a few weeks ago now it's c450! There's no calculated risk with that many mixing!

RabbityMcRabbit · 25/12/2020 08:26

Get rid OP, if he's not prioritising you now, at what would have been your first Christmas together in 7.5 years, and he's leaving you alone in his house On Christmas Day, then he never will. You deserve better x

FippertyGibbett · 25/12/2020 08:27

You deserve better.

ezzergood · 25/12/2020 08:39

What are you even with him? He doesn't give a stiff about you, you even wrote that he doesn't prioritise you.
Give you self a fantastic Christmas present of you putting you first, dump him and find someone who does respect you.

ezzergood · 25/12/2020 08:40

Stuff not stiff

NailsNeedDoing · 25/12/2020 08:43

It’s up to him an his family if they want to break the rules or not, and tbf, there are a lot of good, usually very law abiding people that will be breaking the rules today.

You made your choice not to join in, but I don’t think it’s fair for you to expect your dp to go along with what you decide when he doesn’t feel the same as you and it would be letting down his family. He’s not letting you down any more than you are letting him down.

Lifeispassingby · 25/12/2020 08:50

@InFiveMins they are massively breaking the rules- tier is not allowed to mix at all since last Saturday including Xmas day. Everyone else is only allowed to mix with one other so even then 4 households is not allowed. Just one person there with covid can create a lot more case!
OP I think you are doing the right thing and your BF isn’t. You need to consider how any other big decisions you view this differently and how many times you will end up compromising or going without because it’s his way or no way