Santa’s not coming, awful behaviour

[Ginfizz2]

My 7 yo has been progressively worse over the last year. Covid has not helped for obvious reasons. I’m a front line hcp and single parent. Childcare has been a nightmare (previously my elderly parents would help out) he’s just become more feral as time has gone on. I’m mentally drained from work, life being generally shit and my mental health being a bit shit.
His behaviour today has been awful. I’ve spent most of the day shouting at him not to do this/that etc. He’s constantly winding up his older sister who IMO needs to grow the f up (she’s 18 and just hate everyone/thing atm).
I’ve just thrown the Santa key away and told him Santa isn’t coming.
I honestly don’t think he deserves anything is anyone else struggling like this tonight. I’m just sat crying as I feel awful for making him upset but I’ve just had enough. I honestly wish I had childcare so I could go to work tomorrow

*for context we are in a flat but I did take him out this evening to go walk round the nice houses with fairy lights

Aha Parenting saved my sanity - google Dr. Laura Markham, I think she’s fab. You can sort this.

[quote Ginfizz2]@Sway19 I would honestly love some suggestions on addressing my parenting. I have asked the school/GP for support as I am struggling with managing his behaviour
Believe me I am not proud of this at all
Open to any suggestions on strategies with managing challenging behaviour. I was thinking of an action/consequence chart, not sure if anyone has experience of these?[/quote]
My heart goes out to you, this all sounds really tough.

Reward charts get poo-pooed on here, but I found one really helpful.

My DS was being really challenging and I also read a couple of parenting books (well, bits of them! I didn't have time to read whole books at the time! And this is from a former bookworm, pre-motherhood).

One of them said that as parents, we should be making at least 10 positive comments for every negative or "correcting" comment about behaviour.

This really gave me pause for thought! I realised DS was probably hearing about 30 negative comments for every positive one.

So the reward chart wasn't just for him, it was also a way to remind me to praise him more often. It was pretty easy for him to earn stars / stickers and they all added up to a treat every so often, when he'd "earned" enough.

He loved getting stars, as did his sister when she was old enough to get it. There's some magic in stickers, I swear! And I'd let them stick the star to the reward chart themselves (or draw it on, on a later version), which they enjoyed.

The other thing we did that worked well was to have something that the DC knew would automatically get a star - something that we were working on. So for DD, for example, she's really fussy with food. And so, she knew that trying a new food would automatically earn her a star. And it worked! It didn't stop her being fussy (she still is) but it did make a difference in how willing she was to try new things.

We found that sometimes tasks were too hard and we had to break them down - e.g. for DS, when he was about 4 or 5 I think, we promised him a star every time he got dressed by himself and without fuss. But I realised this was too big an ask as it was rare he managed both and because you need to make it something achievable.

So, we broke it down into one star for getting dressed by himself AND one star for doing it without a huge fuss. So he could earn 2 stars if he managed both, but if he managed one, as that was an improvement on before, he'd get one star to reward him for moving in the right direction IYSWIM.

Sorry that's an essay post! But hopefully helpful.

@Sway19

Perhaps trying parenting in a way which doesn’t involve shouting at a poor 7 year old all day

Perhaps try replying in a way that doesnt involve you being a sanctimonious turd.

I spent the whole of today telling DH to calm down with the 4 year old and then roaring at him myself- he's been wired. So it's so easy to snap when you're under stress.

I also thought last year he was getting progressively worse and worse and worse and suddenly he was so good again, and I realised that actually a few other things in my life had changed and life overall was easier - so his behaviour may not actually have changed at all, just my resilience which was a big lesson for me.

My 7 year old has also been over excited today and complaining about how boring we are because it was too cold for a walk today , plus I have a cold so a tad miserable myself.
Don't cancel Christmas for him I probably would for the difficult 18 year old though

PS it gets much easier at 8/9

Could it be a solution to space presents out over next few days, so Santa brings only a few and the rest are from you.
Sometimes lots of presents at once makes the behaviour worse.
But not as a consequence of bad behaviour just a way of calming the situation.

Adults can look at a pile of presents and imagine how they will enjoy them over next Monday month, children don't tend to have the long term "planning" skills, and Christmas day can end in tears for that reason. Parents misinterpret it as ingratitude but it isn't. It is overload.

Keep things simple and enjoy playing with him first and foremost, building Lego or an imaginary game are good. A film you can watch with him. Easy food, no pressure on any of you. A friend said she once cooked a big Xmas meal and all the three boys aged 5 and 7(twins) ate was roast potatoes and gravy!!

No advice really but I would say, whilst children are very good at pushing buttons, I wouldn't do this. I know someone who did this very thing and the ending was tragic😞. Start afresh tomorrow.

Our DDs have been over-excited as well. This has always made DD1 (11) in particular very tricky. I agree with the PPs who have said that this can be about getting attention. Our DDs are both adopted, so we always need to take this into account. But I suspect that this year has impacted negatively on all our children.

Knowing this doesn’t make it any less stressful, obviously. It sounds as if you handled it well in the end with your DS, so please don’t feel bad. I hope you’re enjoying chilling out now.

Think of tomorrow as a fresh start.

I felt exactly the same way tonight - behaviour has been at an all time low and I am so upset with it. However I also recognise I have been stressed, they have been through a shit year so I found a way to make them apologise for behaviour so Christmas could be saved. I really felt like letting them all see the consequence of their behaviour but I know I couldn’t carry through on it.

I wonder if I hadn’t been so stressed out, overworked and on the edge if their behaviour wouldn’t be quite so bad.

Bloody hell give yourself a break op[ flowers] and a or two! This year has been hideous, you're a front line HCP in the middle of a pandemic fhs!
You've been juggling shift work, a feisty seven year old and a teen and elderly
parents! I can barely cope with one teen at the moment who had me in tears today she was so vile. Imo you deserve a massive pat on the back for holding it all together , so please don't be so down on yourself.

Just tell him in the morning that you got it wrong because you were tired and a bit cross last night and tell him Fr Christmas has come after all because deep down he knows that your ds is making a good effort to behave well etc etc.

I hope you are able to have a bit of a break this Christmas op. You've certainly earned one

I cracked this evening and told my 7 year old i would remove a present if he didn't settle down i NEVER DO THIS he is my youngest and has managed to break me on Christmas eve!

I'm drinking baileys and chilling out

@Ginfizz2

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. Bed times are not great, my shifts don’t finish until 8pm so I’m not home from work until 8.30 at the earliest then I put him to bed (I’ve been paying a babysitter as the 18 yo just can’t cope with him) I work shifts which obviously do not help and he has no contact with his father. It’s a difficult situation but I’m aware I’m not alone. All I want is for my children to be happy but this year has just been awful. He’s settled in bed asleep now, will put his presents out shortly x

This sounds so hard on him and you. Can you change work shifts, so he has a more stable routine and you be less tired?

If not can you sort a mature / motherly/ grandmotherly type childcare that will enforce a routine / bedtime for you?

If he’s acting up I would imagine it’s because things are shit for him like they are for you too. Must be really hard juggling everything.

Hope you have a nice Christmas Day together.

@endofthelinefinally

Your 18 year old is an adult and should not be causing any issues. Your little boy is only 7. Maybe he is struggling. It has been a horrible year for everyone. There must be a way to salvage things.

For heaven's sake.

18 year olds have been horribly affected by this whole thing.

Just because someone is 18 doesn't mean that they are perfect/ delightful/ peal of maturity.

Sheesh.
Ridiculous thing to say

[quote Ginfizz2]@Sway19 I would honestly love some suggestions on addressing my parenting. I have asked the school/GP for support as I am struggling with managing his behaviour
Believe me I am not proud of this at all
Open to any suggestions on strategies with managing challenging behaviour. I was thinking of an action/consequence chart, not sure if anyone has experience of these?[/quote]
I think he needs more of you being around and having more routine. I’m not being critical, I have a similar clash of priorities and I’m a single parent. At times when I’ve been able to be more present and attentive, my children’s behaviour has improved. If you can’t sort work shift patterns, perhaps you can bring a parenting figure into his life via childcare?

Shouting is my go to when stressed, and it doesn’t help, but easy to say hey!

He’s only little and you are showing him behaviours which he will copy. Your 18 year old must be struggling too. It’s so hard being a single parent and working. It’s also hard for the children of those.

I hope you can work out a routine that works for you and not beat yourself up x

Download roblox on ipad

This is the book: www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It's really, really good. It's so easy to fall into being shouty and angry when you're exhausted - I send sympathy and solidarity. Read the book, honestly - it does help you frame things differently, and they do respond.

I hope you all have a good Christmas.

Hope you are getting some rest and you all wake up with smiles and joy that it's xmas.
I have found i am so less able to cope with my two who are similar age to your youngest when I'm tired (i am also working single patent).
I find myself apologising for losing my cool and explaining how being tired makes me grumpy And I really don't want to shout because then no-one is happy. I've had to say this a few times and remind them when they are winding me up, that they are winding me up and I dont want to shout, so if they want to continue doing what they are doing, can they go elsewhere and do it (or else I leave the room and tell them I will be back when i am not so stressed). It's not been perfect but it has been a lot better and the house is calmer.
I have also done reward marbles, never taking them away but they get them for doing something helpful eg making bed or opening curtains. Cleaning teeth without being asked. Replying to me/doing something first time i ask them.
I have also tried to spend 15 mins 1 on 1 doing something that each child wants to do with me. Ideally this would be everyday, but reality is its probably a couple of times a week and this really makes a difference to our relationship as well as more praise when their behaviour is what you want. Explain that they are getting 15 mins where you will just play a game/read a.book, sit and cuddle etc and it's their time and they can pick.
Life in our house will never be truly peaceful as we are all.very strong willed! But it is a whole heap better than 6 months ago.
Good luck hope you enjoy your day x

How about if the babysitter would put him to bed earlier so he can read or listen to a c.d, then you can sit with him on his bed for a bit when you get in, then go downstairs and have some time to yourself, rather then come home & have to start it all from scratch.

Ah hope tomorrow is a better day. It does sound like he's picking up on your stress. Can you speak to your manager and try to find a compromise with your hours? Try to get home earlier? DS probably misses you & it's his bizarre way of showing it.

But then again, I’m not the kind of person to..
(sway19)

Oh, stop praising yourself.

@Sway19

^‘I know it’s been a hard year, believe me (I’m a nurse and mum to a toddler). Nothing gives someone the excuse to be shouting all day at a poor child‘^

sway you’re right in that consistently shouting at a child isn’t ok. But the irony here is that you are chastising the OP in a similar way, instead of using a way to help the situation by offering helpful advice akin to positive parenting.

OP already replied to say she was going to work on things and thanked people for helpful replies and asked for advice.
You mention you’re a nurse and mum to a toddler. Both roles you have are hard work. Do you have a partner? Because if you do, you cant honestly imagine how hard it is to single parent - also with an absent dad, to not 1 child but 2 and 1 being a teenager - this situation brings way more than double the work and stress on time, organization, finances etc along with not having another adult to support your own emotional needs or feedback in situations like this that enable you to check yourself.

Oh op, I've been in your shoes, worked full time, brought two boys up on my own, not shifts or covid as they're now 27 and 24. It was exhausting let alone you doing it in your job.

Kids get bloody frantic at Christmas. Add in dark days long terms at school not also what's going on at the moment. Have a good day today with your kids. They don't stay little for long. Chalk his behaviour off, I'd bet he misses his mum and is worried about you at work as he'll be aware of this at the moment. Happy Christmas x

Aww OP.
I've no answers. I just want to say I credit myself as a very good infant teacher with incredible behaviour management skills but I struggle hugely with my 5 year old. It's hideous and I don't know what to do.

All I can say is Christmas day isn't perfect. Avoid social media, expect arguments and tantrums but try and enjoy the good bits.
You care or you wouldn't have posted. That's the main thing ❤️