Santa’s not coming, awful behaviour

[Ginfizz2]

My 7 yo has been progressively worse over the last year. Covid has not helped for obvious reasons. I’m a front line hcp and single parent. Childcare has been a nightmare (previously my elderly parents would help out) he’s just become more feral as time has gone on. I’m mentally drained from work, life being generally shit and my mental health being a bit shit.
His behaviour today has been awful. I’ve spent most of the day shouting at him not to do this/that etc. He’s constantly winding up his older sister who IMO needs to grow the f up (she’s 18 and just hate everyone/thing atm).
I’ve just thrown the Santa key away and told him Santa isn’t coming.
I honestly don’t think he deserves anything is anyone else struggling like this tonight. I’m just sat crying as I feel awful for making him upset but I’ve just had enough. I honestly wish I had childcare so I could go to work tomorrow

*for context we are in a flat but I did take him out this evening to go walk round the nice houses with fairy lights

Open to any suggestions on strategies with managing challenging behaviour

All I know is, if my DD is up late her behaviour the next day is off the scale, seriously shocking.

Does he usually go to bed and fall asleep at a decent time every night?

I found DS1 extremely challenging at that age. He couldn't cope with any celebration - Christmas, Easter etc and his behaviour would rapidly deteriorate the closer the occasions got.

I found Magic 1 2 3 really worked at this age but there is a knack to implementing it and 10yrs ago (ds1 is 17yr now!) there was more help available.

There is a book, i think it's called how to talk so your child listens, and how to listen so your child talks.

Very insightful and I highly recommend it. I hope you managed that cuddle, please give him Christmas.

How to talk so kids will listen

If 2020 has been hard for you
It s been hard for ds
He is 7
Start new year tomorrow with presents and love

You're tired but he's only little. Have you ever heard of "love bombing"? It's where sometimes children can get more and more naughty to get your attention. You must be exhausted and have probably been non stop due to being a front line worker so maybe it's his way to get your attention. Love bombing is where you just spend the day focused on them doing exactly what they want. It sounds counter intuitive but it can really give them the reassurance and attention they need to turn things around. I feel for you OP, and really hope you have a good Christmas.

You're exhausted and stressed. He's overexcited and stressed. She's a teenager and stressed. This is a good place for you to spill some of that stress. And then go back to being the grownup you are. You know that you can't cancel Santa for him. And it is very clear that you know that: you came on here because deep down you knew you'd be talked down, and into doing the right thing. I hope you have a good Christmas, despite everything.

The Charlie Taylor book Divas and Dictators is really helpful and an easy read. He's run schools for excluded children so knows his stuff. His methods are positive

@endofthelinefinally

Your 18 year old is an adult and should not be causing any issues. Your little boy is only 7. Maybe he is struggling. It has been a horrible year for everyone. There must be a way to salvage things.

Sounds like the 18 year old causes more trouble than he does, in more subtle ways. If you don't let Santa in to leave presents the one crying themselves to sleep will be you when you regret your actions and can find no way of reversing it. If anyone one deserves no presents it's your daughter.

Please remember that your 18 yr old has also had a shit year.

Try not to spin this so that the 7 yr old gets away with his behaviour and it is all projected on to your DD.

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. Bed times are not great, my shifts don’t finish until 8pm so I’m not home from work until 8.30 at the earliest then I put him to bed (I’ve been paying a babysitter as the 18 yo just can’t cope with him) I work shifts which obviously do not help and he has no contact with his father. It’s a difficult situation but I’m aware I’m not alone. All I want is for my children to be happy but this year has just been awful.
He’s settled in bed asleep now, will put his presents out shortly x

Aww, glad he's settled down to sleep. Hope you all have a lovely day tomorrow.

18 is still quite young. This year has been shit for young adults too and they don't necessarily know how to cope with it either. You have had the hardest time with your job but don't be dismissive of the fact that your kids have had a hard time too.

I really feel for you and was/am in a similar situation. Be nice to yourself, you are under a lot of pressure as a single parent. For me, what has helped is being very clear about expectations/consequences. Because I am American I use a “three strikes” system, so if DS is acting up I give him a warning first (“if you continue to do X, that will be a strike”). If it continues then that’s a strike. Three strikes means no electronics/watching tv for 24 hours. You have to be willing to follow through and I find it helps me to give strikes for whingeing about getting a strike! My kids are a bit older (yep, crap parent here - I should be better at this by now!) but as I recall 1-2-3 magic is a similar type of clear cut approach. It really sucks and you should not beat yourself up, this pandemic is so hard on everyone.

Ps I second the “how to talk to kids so that they’ll listen and listen so kids will talk” books. By Faber & Mazlish (sp?)

@FrippEnos

Please remember that your 18 yr old has also had a shit year.

Try not to spin this so that the 7 yr old gets away with his behaviour and it is all projected on to your DD.

Well said.

Many adults are struggling - 18yo's will be too.

I feel like this with the 5 year old. really he deserves nothing but the magic doesn't last long for kids so of course he's getting his presents and I can't wait to see the look on his face and you will feel the same in the morning.

Reset tomoroow for all 3 of you
Both dc will pick upon your stress
Have a nice day

💐. When we are stressed it filters down to the DC and this year has been beyond stressful and awful. You must be totally shattered and again DC pick up on the fact we have nothing left over to give them and demand more than we have and up any attention seeking behaviour. They just want us and for things to be predicable and ok.

Try lower your expectations for the next few days. Get advice from school if you can as to anything they think might help and be kind to yourself and them. Big hugs tomorrow and tell them how much you love them. This will get better.

I should also add that figuring out that a big chunk of my DS’ bad behaviour was driven by anxiety sort of turned on a lightbulb as to how to deal with him. If you think your DS may be having anxiety issues I really recommend a podcast called the AT parenting survival podcast from a child therapist in the US. Anxiety can present as challenging behaviour - my DS would refuse to do normal things, throw huge tantrums etc. For me it helped to stop and ask him “so, what’s the worst thing about doing X?” Sometimes the answer was really surprising and he was just worried about something left field. Anyway, I hope you enjoy Christmas - all will be forgotten tomorrow when he opens his presents.

Put a few potatoes in the sack and say they are in replacement for some presents!

I got a potato in my stocking a few years ago as my mum found out I'd got really drunk 🤣

It sounds like you’ve sorted it.

I also wanted to say don’t put too much on your daughter. It’s been a shit year for her too.

@FrippEnos

Please remember that your 18 yr old has also had a shit year.

Try not to spin this so that the 7 yr old gets away with his behaviour and it is all projected on to your DD.

I was thinking very similar. A 7yo can be very irritating, and if they're deliberately winding the 18yo up they need to be stopped and told it's unacceptable, otherwise the 18yo will feel that they are less important.

Someone suggested "lovebombing" above. I really recommend this as I've used it with very DD2 who can be very energetic and was playing up a lot. She would have been about 8. Really helped and now do shorter doses of the same technique. If you are not working Boxing Day might be a good time to try.

Hello OP, if you would like to start a new approach to your parenting may I suggest coming from the position of praise/reward as your first line of response, reserving the action/consequence for when you aren't seeing successes or are dealing with risky behavior.

Introducing this can be instantaneous - instead of waiting for things to go wrong - which is the action/consequence model - you need to start noticing straight away everything you like about your children's behaviour and positively comment on it. I love it when you get up in a good mood its so lovely to see you smiling and being positive. I really like it when you say thank you to me - those manners really cheer me up etc etc - it may feel unnatural at first and feel like an effort but the effect can really turn the household around. It means you are catching them being good - and amplifying that behavior - rather than only seeming to comment about their negative behavior. It also means when you do have to pull them up on something that isn't acceptable it is balanced by you doing so in the context of lots of praise for what they do well.

When you are addressing challenging behavior - try and do so in a calm but firm voice focusing your instruction on what you want him to do rather than what you don't want him to do. eg if hes jumping on the sofa - instead of saying stop jumping - say I would like you to sit on the sofa please; instead of stop running - please walk. Its just a small shift but can make a difference. If you want to introduce change straight away its much easier to introduce something positive than something negative.

@mumoftinyterrors

I'm having similar issues with my 6 year old son. I did consider hiding his presents tomorrow and let him watch his brothers open theirs and hope that he got the message that his behaviour needs to improve. But I'm not convinced that he would ever forgive me for it and I have visions of him telling the story to his kids years from now about the crap year with covid and then he didn't get any presents 😱🤦🏼‍♀️

Why would you even consider this blimey

Good luck for tomorrow and Merry Christmas!

Fwiw my 3 have been absolute arseholes today. In fact, my eldest told me it has been the worst Christmas Eve ever.