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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect DH to make a messy bed?

52 replies

popsydoodle4444 · 23/12/2020 21:46

DH says I'm being petty;but am I really?

He won't make the bed and it drives me insane because he trashes it.

He is in general a lazy inconsiderate turd who considers housework of any kind to be woman's work and beneath him.

He works several nights a week on a night shift meaning I have the bed at night,him in the day.I get with the kids,I make the bed because it was drilled into me by my mum.I also feel it's quite welcoming to come to bed to a made bed.

I come to bed most nights to an absolute mess.

*duvet chucked on the floor/half hanging off the bed
*The duvet in a ball at the bottom of the duvet cover
*both the sheet and mattress protector half pulled off and in the middle of the mattress;I have deep sheets/mattress protector that are tucked right underneath
*pillow cases pushed slightly off pillows
*My pillows chucked on the floor or piled on top of his (I don't like him using my pillows as he smokes and I don't and he leaves the smell of cigarette smoke on them)

Going to bed most nights is a chore as I have to remake the bed.I hate it;it really irritates me.

When I asked him to not leave the bed in a mess he denies doing/says I'm whining/nagging him/I'm being ridiculous/petty/he doesn't see what my problem is

It's not me is it but it's not normal to leave a bed in that state?;even the kids leave a tidier bed than him;he reminds me of dog in its bed with bedding strewn everywhere.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2020 21:49

He is in general a lazy inconsiderate turd who considers housework of any kind to be woman's work and beneath him.

When I asked him to not leave the bed in a mess he denies doing/says I'm whining/nagging him/I'm being ridiculous/petty/he doesn't see what my problem is

He’s disgusting. Please break up with him. Why are you putting up with this?

Letsgetbizzy · 23/12/2020 21:50

Fuck that shit. What an arse hole. My dh tries even if he does do a crap job

username500000000 · 23/12/2020 21:51

Eh OP. Is this my DH you're talking about ? He sounds identical. I hate it so much. It really is so inconsiderate. I've tried everything to change him but like you, I'm always told I'm nagging and it's not that bad. At breaking point. Just reading your description of the bed makes me so angry and he does the same. The other thing I hate is that whenever he takes off a dressing gown or jacket, he leaves the sleeves all messed up inside out if that makes sense ? It drives me up the wall. Basic decency = zero!

waitingforadulthood · 23/12/2020 21:52

It's fairly normal. But it's not fair, or kind or loving. When you have told him it upsets you, and you have repeatedly asked him to do the bed- don't you ask him, what he asked you? "Why are you being so petty? So ridiculous ? What's your problem?!" Basically, why can't he do this small thing?! What's his problem? Why doesn't he love you enough to respect you and do this small petty thing? Wtf?!?!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/12/2020 21:53

Hmmm I dont make my bed. I dont spend any time in the bedroom and I'm always in a rush when I get up. Also isnt it meant to be good to air it out?
Saying that, the room does look nicer when it's made and if my partner was genuinely upset about it being unmade then I'd probably make the effort. Is there anything that you do for him that you're not bothered about and do it purely for his sake? If so try stopping that.

I think the bigger issue is though that "He is in general a lazy inconsiderate turd who considers housework of any kind to be woman's work and beneath him". If he was generally a good bloke who just didn't see the fuss about beds but contributed equally in all other shared aspects of your life then I don't think it would bother you so much

Nottherealslimshady · 23/12/2020 21:56

Bed making isn't a thing in our house. We tidy the bed as we get in. But we also dont leave it in the mess he does. I'd be moving my pillows and hiding them in my wardrobe. The idea of a smoker using my pillow makes me feel sick.

Minus the bed making he sounds like a selfish lazy man and you dont seem happy with him in general.

What's keeping you together?

MangoBiscuit · 23/12/2020 21:57

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I would tell him next time he leave the bed in a shit tip, I'll assume it needs stripping and washing. Then I'd start strip the bed when I got up. I'd hide my nice pillows and duvet (and a clean set of bedding). Leave him his stinky pillows and a bare bed. Then he can deal with it at HIS bed time.

Ultimateblends · 23/12/2020 22:01

Its not normal at all.
You sleep in a bed, its expected the bed is made afterwards. Particularly in your situation where you're sharing a bed at different times.
Basically his thought process is on an evening it doesn't matter if you have to get into messy bed.
Even if one of us leave the bed a mess in the morning, at some point in the day we will make the bed, because we are fubction adults who respect each other.

YANBU and you dh is a selfish arse and you have every right to be mad.

He needs to learn some respect and to behave like a decent adult.

Bunchup · 23/12/2020 22:02

Why the fuck are you wasting your single precious life slaving for a lazy, inconsiderate turd'

Have a word with yourself, seriously.

HeartZone · 23/12/2020 22:02

Treat yourself to a new bed. Your very own! No more sharing.

partyatthepalace · 23/12/2020 22:04

He sounds awful all round but yes he should make the bed.

Tell him clearly you expect him to, and if that doesn’t work stop doing something that will bother him eg producing dinner

FlyingPandas · 23/12/2020 22:08

He sounds awful.

I don’t suppose you have a spare room you could move into so you? I’d be tempted to leave him to his stinking sheets and sleep somewhere else.

FlyingPandas · 23/12/2020 22:16

I think it is fairly common for guys to not make a bed to a woman’s standard btw - DH makes our bed and my DC make their beds but I will still always go around straightening duvets and plumping pillows and tidying folded pyjamas etc. However I am well aware that I am tidy to the point of obsessiveness and so would never complain about the fact that they don’t make beds to my standards, my standards are probably a bit anal. But the point is they make the effort. The mess you come home to is really not fair.

VetiverAndLavender · 23/12/2020 22:26

My husband's not nearly as fussed about bed-making as I am, so I make the bed most of the time, but if I asked him, he'd try to remember to do it. (He never leaves it with the sheets pulled halfway off, either, though it's not unheard of that a pillow is somehow pulled out of its case.)

Tbh, the real problems here are the facts that he thinks housework is beneath him and insults you when you ask him to be considerate. (And the smoking. I couldn't stand my bed smelling like smoke.)

I'd sleep separately, if I could. If not, it's time to have a real conversation (sometime soon) about his lack of respect for you.

switswooo · 23/12/2020 22:29

Leave him, life’s too short. Disclaimer: DH doesn’t make the bed but he does do 50% of the housework, and usually more.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2020 22:29

It's very sad that your wasting your life with this stinky, inconsiderate, sexist slob.

colette1970 · 23/12/2020 22:30

Leave the bed unmade when you get up let him get in a messy bed pillows every where etc taste of his own medicine .

Original poster
popsydoodle4444 · 23/12/2020 22:30

I've recently stopped doing his washing.My 16 year does his own and I have my own,my 3 other kids and the sheets and towels to do.One of my kids is disabled and has continence issues so produces a ton of washing.That particular childs washing and the kids school uniform/underwear/pyjamas are given priority space in the washing machine.The DH kept complaining about his clothes not being washed quick enough so I've gone on strike and told him to do his own.

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 23/12/2020 22:35

Sounds like youve got bigger problems than the bed

StrawBeretMoose · 23/12/2020 22:35

This Christmas give yourself the gift of self-respect and get rid of the lazy inconsiderate turd.

I don't give a shit about whether DH or I make the bed so opened the thread expecting to say YABU. But your situation is not just about the bed. What does he bring to your life?

8MinutesToSunrise · 23/12/2020 22:36

The issue isn't really whether or not he sees the point in making the bed (I rarely do), but it absolutely is about his unwillingness to compromise and change an easy thing which you have told him is upsetting him.

Chloemol · 23/12/2020 22:45

So when you get up, take your pillows and mess the bed up like he does and leave it for him, every single day

ImPrincessAurora · 23/12/2020 22:49

Ewww. This would really grate on me too YANBU. I have to get into a nicely made bed.
At least you don’t have to sleep in it at the same time as him.

I couldn’t be doing with the constant nagging though, is there anyway you can get him to sleep somewhere else in the day?! At work?

MustardMitt · 23/12/2020 22:53

I was all prepared to tell you YABU as I'm a non-bed maker, but the state he's leaving the bed in is ridiculous. And it's not petty; it almost sounds like he's deliberately pulling the linens out to make more work for you. Even the most exuberant of sex sessions doesn't cause a bed to be in that much of a mess!

Go against your habits and mess up the bed majorly for him. And fart on his pillow. What a dickhead.

Ohalrightthen · 23/12/2020 22:57

What on earth is he doing that the mattress cover ends up half off!?

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