To expect DH to make a messy bed?

[popsydoodle4444]

DH says I'm being petty;but am I really?

He won't make the bed and it drives me insane because he trashes it.

He is in general a lazy inconsiderate turd who considers housework of any kind to be woman's work and beneath him.

He works several nights a week on a night shift meaning I have the bed at night,him in the day.I get with the kids,I make the bed because it was drilled into me by my mum.I also feel it's quite welcoming to come to bed to a made bed.

I come to bed most nights to an absolute mess.

*duvet chucked on the floor/half hanging off the bed
*The duvet in a ball at the bottom of the duvet cover
*both the sheet and mattress protector half pulled off and in the middle of the mattress;I have deep sheets/mattress protector that are tucked right underneath
*pillow cases pushed slightly off pillows
*My pillows chucked on the floor or piled on top of his (I don't like him using my pillows as he smokes and I don't and he leaves the smell of cigarette smoke on them)

Going to bed most nights is a chore as I have to remake the bed.I hate it;it really irritates me.

When I asked him to not leave the bed in a mess he denies doing/says I'm whining/nagging him/I'm being ridiculous/petty/he doesn't see what my problem is

It's not me is it but it's not normal to leave a bed in that state?;even the kids leave a tidier bed than him;he reminds me of dog in its bed with bedding strewn everywhere.

I think you should leave the bed a right state when you get up. Hide the pillows under it. Take the duvet and put it at the other end of the room. He’ll hate having to get off his lazy arse and get them.

Do neither of you air the bed for a few hours, sheets/duvet pulled right back and window open? It sounds like you make the bed straight after you get up - gross. This is in addition to washing them twice weekly. I know I'm missing the point here...

I'd strip the bedding and hide the pillows. But I am very petty .

This would drive me insane, I couldn't get into an unmade bed.

@MangoBiscuit

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I would tell him next time he leave the bed in a shit tip, I'll assume it needs stripping and washing. Then I'd start strip the bed when I got up. I'd hide my nice pillows and duvet (and a clean set of bedding). Leave him his stinky pillows and a bare bed. Then he can deal with it at HIS bed time.

Going from the way the OP describes her husband, he would simply sleep directly on the mattress. Not really a solution

I would get a new duvet for myself and sleep elsewhere. Roll out bed anywhere but in a pit he has left for you. Never make the bed again. Let him find it as he left it.
Easy to say I know. Or to make it look tidy just chuck the duvet out straight.

Nothing will change if you never change. It sounds to me like you are worn down by him and caring responsibilities.

Does he wash before bed? Smoking and night shift then getting into a bed, throwing pillows on the floor and balling a duvet in the cover while ripping off the bottom sheet.
Sounds like a toddler's sleepover.

Just get rid

^duvet chucked on the floor/half hanging off the bed
*The duvet in a ball at the bottom of the duvet cover
*both the sheet and mattress protector half pulled off and in the middle of the mattress;I have deep sheets/mattress protector that are tucked right underneath
*pillow cases pushed slightly off pillows
*My pillows chucked on the floor or piled on top of his (I don't like him using my pillows as he smokes and I don't and he leaves the smell of cigarette smoke on them^

What the fuck is he doing in bed to leave it in that state? That's not normal.

In our house 'making the bed' involves pulling the duvet back up and giving it the occasional shake if it's got a bit misaligned in the cover.

The sheets and pillows don't need anything doing to them because they stay as they were when they were put on the bed.

Is he doing this deliberately to wind you up?

How much effort does it take to pull the duvet off, ffs? I've only just got up, and I "made the bed" as soon as I got out of it (it had never occurred to me until this thread that I always do this, I'm obviously not as much of a sloven as I thought).

Even my housework hating late DP used to manage to make the bed if he was the last one to get up.

I think your DP is not just a lazy fucker, but he doesn't give a shit about how hard you have to work, OP, or about pissing you off.

In our house 'making the bed' involves pulling the duvet back up and giving it the occasional shake if it's got a bit misaligned in the cover

I have to make sure that the pattern on the cover is straight in relation to the bed. Could I possibly have OCD?

What the fuck is he doing in bed to leave it in that state? That's not normal.

In our house 'making the bed' involves pulling the duvet back up and giving it the occasional shake if it's got a bit misaligned in the cover.

The sheets and pillows don't need anything doing to them because they stay as they were when they were put on the bed.

Is he doing this deliberately to wind you up?
My thoughts exactly. He doesn't 'accidently' use your pillows, and sheets being pulled up and left in the middle isn't normal (I'm assuming fitted sheets here) he's deliberately winding you up. If you left it the way he does, would he just sleep on the mattress?

Urgh I wouldn’t want to wash the sheets for such a twat. Does he ever wash the sheets?

The last one to get out of the bed makes it.

This is not normal. Why are you with this awful man?

I fold my covers back to air but leaving it so messy is very teenagerish, and tell him to quit smoking too

What makes you stay with him ?
What are his good points ?

Actually it's better to leave the bed un made for the airing process and to kill bugs.

The duvet pulled over creates perfect conditions for bugs to grow. Always pull the duvet back, preferably let air and light get to the mattress, whatever your mum told you 🤷‍♂️.

So inadvertently, he is doing you a favour.

Am genuinely surprised at all the non bed makers! I couldn't leave an unmade bed, it must make the room look very messy.

He thinks housework is women's work?? Sounds like an absolute charmer. What on earth possessed you to marry this man?

DP started like this when we first moved in together, we often work quite different shifts so similar to you OP. I explained about how shit it made me feel, that coming to bed to a neatly made bed and tidyish room was a nice relaxing comforting experience whereas coming up to a stinky mess was a stressful and upsetting one, basically the other person saying fuck you, don’t care how you feel. We agreed then that whoever got up last made the bed, and we stick to it 90% of the time now. This includes airing the bed & room for 20mins whilst you’re getting ready etc. Sometimes we will play each other off on it...say one of us has got up early, the other had a lie in, early person comes up to say hi and sits on the bed to chat, and lay-in person jumps up and calls ha, you’re last in bed, you make it!

What was key for me was getting DP to understand that his actions had a negative impact on me, so it wasn’t just lazy, it was selfish and rude. Before that conversation he genuinely didn’t get it.

If your partner is capable of that understanding then talk about it and explain how you feel. But it sounds like this way worse than being lazy about making the bed. I can’t imagine wanting to continue a relationship with someone who didn’t care that they upset me.

@LakieLady

In our house 'making the bed' involves pulling the duvet back up and giving it the occasional shake if it's got a bit misaligned in the cover

I have to make sure that the pattern on the cover is straight in relation to the bed. Could I possibly have OCD?

I don’t know - what would happen if you didn’t get the pattern straight? Would you be unable to function, inconsolable, distressed, believe that catastrophic things would happen, be compelled to continue to go back and check and recheck it dozens of time to ensure it is definitely completely straight otherwise someone will die?

Please don’t use a horrible, cruel, limiting mental health condition that many of us genuinely suffer from as your punchline.

Life is way too short to fight about making a bed.
I’ve never made my bed after getting up in the morning, because of the fact that it’s healthier to let it air out.

I bought sheet holders (they are like braces that clip onto the sheet and run under the mattress).

Throwing the quilt back on isn't a problem but faffing with the sheet was a pain.

@PandemicPavolova

Actually it's better to leave the bed un made for the airing process and to kill bugs.

The duvet pulled over creates perfect conditions for bugs to grow. Always pull the duvet back, preferably let air and light get to the mattress, whatever your mum told you 🤷‍♂️.

So inadvertently, he is doing you a favour.

Yes a duvet pulled back to air..... A duvet put into a ball in a duvet cover sack like he's been out poaching rabbits and bed sheets ripped off like he's been wrestling a wild pig are not useful. It's pig idle and rude.

I'm petty so I would strip the bed after I got up and leave him to make it 😂 see how long he puts up with that for