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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband lied about work pay changes

58 replies

BookThief2020 · 22/12/2020 22:11

Need to get some perspectives on this (NC to avoid being identified).

My husband was told at the beginning of lockdown that his work were temporarily reducing all salaries by 10% but this would all eventually be paid back (ie it was just to prevent cashflow issues - everyone would eventually go back to normal salaries and the deductions be paid back on top).

When it got to the autumn, I asked him if they had said when they might be stopping the 10% deductions as (at the time) times were getting back to normal. He said he would check.

A few weeks ago, I asked again and he said he had checked a few weeks previously and his work had said the wages had been returned to normal in September and they had also paid him a lump sum to make up for the previous deductions. I asked him why he hadn’t mentioned that to me before and he got all funny and slightly guilty but tried to laugh it off.

Tonight, when we were sorting out some financial admin, it emerged that actually, when he had asked, they had told him that his wage had never been decreased in the first place (ie they never implemented the 10% cut in the end). I asked him why he had said something different before and he again did the weird guilty laugh thing and said he didn’t know and that I could go through his bank account if I wanted.

I said I had no desire to but couldn’t understand why he would tell such a pointless lie, and that I didn’t feel comfortable with the fact that he could look me in the eye and lie to me. I asked if he felt he’d been wrong to lie, and he said that he didn’t think it was a big deal as the financial position was still the same as it would have been anyway.

The money part isn’t the issue (as overall, his wage was always going to be topped back up to normal anyway) but I don’t like the fact that he made up a lie with details (ie them paying him the lump sum) and doesn’t see any issue with that.

Appreciate it may seem minor and boring but have found the whole thing a bit upsetting.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Casmama · 22/12/2020 22:37

It doesn't seem minor at all. It seems very fucking weird. How do your finances work- does he contribute a set amount and did this decrease? Did he spend this extra money or has he saved it?

Littleyell · 22/12/2020 22:40

Lying about finances isn’t on OP. He probably suggested you can go through his bank to throw you off.

BookThief2020 · 22/12/2020 22:46

Yes, we pay mortgage and bills proportionally based on our wages (I’m the higher earner).

When he told he was having the 10% cut, we agreed we would adjust our contributions to bills etc accordingly (ie he would pay a little less, I would pay a little more).

When he told me his pay had ‘increased back to normal’ (which never happened as it never changed), he said he would increase his payments towards bills etc and also pay me the backpay from the ‘lump sum’ (which again never existed).

He never actually got any extra money as his wages actually just stayed the same all along. His work said they planned to decrease and then pay back but never did.

It’s all such a weird and pointless lie, but he just keeps doing the weird laugh and saying he doesn’t see what the problem is.

I have raised to him the issue of him telling white lies before (he does it about ridiculously stupid things, like I ask him if he’s farted, he will insist he hasn’t repeatedly and then finally admit it) but we’ve never had issues relating to money before - we always agree things and try and balance everything fairly, though it’s me who takes the lead on actually sorting stuff).

Sorry, reading this back, it is so convoluted and silly - just feel odd that my husband could just make up a lie and see no issue with it.

OP posts:
BookThief2020 · 22/12/2020 22:48

I honestly don’t think he’s hiding anything financial. I think he was embarrassed that he wasn’t on top of his finances enough to notice that his wage never actually changed, and lied to cover it up.

OP posts:
MrsDeadlock · 22/12/2020 22:53

Re the little white lies, I was brought up in a home where it was completely fucking normal to use little white lines everytime someone was made to feel uncomfortable.

It has taken YEARS, DECADES even, to stop. It's like some weird form of gas lighting had been programmed into me by my parents.

Maybe he was brought up similar? It is an odd one though. My brother will just keep dining and digging and digging his lie hole rather than admit the very simple truth.

BistroCafe · 22/12/2020 22:54

I think you are not being unreasonable, but on the other hand it seems that you are both very open and on the same page with your finances, which is why this weird discrepancy came to light. So I'm not sure he's been able to, or had the intention to, hide anything from you. Full confession: I was always in a secure job, was always absolute shit about keeping track of stuff, there were always things that went wrong one way or another, they always got caught up in the end, and in the few moments that I actually woke up and did the figures and sorted it out ex post facto it always was correct, one way or another, even if it was some months on. So my take on this is, he wasn't paying 100% full attention, stuff happened, measures were mentioned and then in the heat of the moment were taken or not taken, he noticed or didn't notice, but it all washed out in the end. The perfect Mumsnetter is someone who is on top of every single financial transaction ever, and can grab physical proof of same immediately, should it ever come to Leave The Bastard, but the fact is, most of us are feckless and shambolic and stuff happens.
Long story short: I think your partner has not kept you apprised of the ins and outs of his employer's response to the pandemic, but I don't think it was malicious and I think you should be able to get a common grasp of your mutual financial situation quite quickly. If it starts to stick there, then start getting worried, but not before then.

BookThief2020 · 22/12/2020 23:00

He did intend to lie - to me about the fact that he’d been told that his wage never changed all along.

When I asked him why he lied about it, he did the weird laugh and said he didn’t know.

I’m really not fussed about the money bit but the lie makes me uncomfortable.

If he’d have said “yeah I know, I thought you’d be annoyed at me for not being on top of my finances but I shouldn’t have lied”, I could very much let it go. It’s the fact that he lied (albeit what could be viewed as a petty and minor lie) and sees no issue with it, and instead acts as if I’m overreacting.

OP posts:
BookThief2020 · 22/12/2020 23:02

Oh I’ve accidentally deleted the poll

OP posts:
Sinful8 · 22/12/2020 23:07

Possible he's just embraced he never noticed/asked in work when he'd get his 10% back to be told it had never been taken.

So he just lied to save face?

maddening · 22/12/2020 23:07

The question is why he lied and what he hoped to achieve by Lyng?

BookThief2020 · 22/12/2020 23:08

Yes that’s exactly what I think happened. But I feel uncomfortable that he lied, and that he is literally laughing it off.

If he says that’s what he had done, and apologised for lying, I’m move on immediately.

OP posts:
BookThief2020 · 22/12/2020 23:09

Sorry, the last post was in reply to @Sinful8

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 22/12/2020 23:10

On the face of it it doesn’t seem like he’s trying to hide financials... your thought that he’s embarrassed about not being on top of money sounds possible.

I would probably let it go for now, but find a time to bring up better comms in the NY.

(I’d also take a look at his bank statements to be sure)

MitziK · 22/12/2020 23:11

So has he made up the 10% reduction in contribution towards the family budget?

BookThief2020 · 22/12/2020 23:11

Typos galore:

If he said that’s what he had done, and apologised for lying, I’d move on immediately.

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 22/12/2020 23:12

So...you asked him if he thought it was wrong to lie? Is he a man child?

BookThief2020 · 22/12/2020 23:12

That’s what we were sorting this evening but it ended in an argument about the lying

OP posts:
BookThief2020 · 22/12/2020 23:13

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 I’d like to think it was something that went unsaid, but his weird laugh when telling me he had lied prompted me to ask if he felt he had done anything wrong (and he said no)

OP posts:
BeakyWinder · 22/12/2020 23:17

So he's been robbing you for months? He manipulated you into paying a bigger share of the bills. For what? Debt, gambling..

jessstan1 · 22/12/2020 23:21

You must ask him why he hasn't been upfront on this issue. I don't think he was right to keep financial knowledge from you but he may be trying to save a bit in case things get worse. Also didn't want to worry you.

If you have it out with him he will probably not do it again.

Without knowing either of you it is difficult to assess but he had his reasons, however flimsy they may seem on the surface.

MrsBobDylan · 22/12/2020 23:35

It wasn't a pointless lie though was it op? You adjusted the amount he pays into joint finances by 10%, so he benefitted financially.

I would also wonder whether his work ever said they would reduce wages by 10% or if that was another lie?

I would take him up on his offer to see his bank statements.

StormTreader · 22/12/2020 23:50

One of his mates will have suggested it to him so he can get extra money for himself - it will have gone on an OW, gambling, or best case some big pub drinking and/or drug nights.

Sinful8 · 23/12/2020 00:08

@BookThief2020

Yes that’s exactly what I think happened. But I feel uncomfortable that he lied, and that he is literally laughing it off.

If he says that’s what he had done, and apologised for lying, I’m move on immediately.

I'm gonna guess that last sentence isn't quite true.

I think maybe you know youd have made bigger deal out of this and not just let it go if he'd have said he'd been wrong all this time

Sinful8 · 23/12/2020 00:08

@MrsBobDylan

It wasn't a pointless lie though was it op? You adjusted the amount he pays into joint finances by 10%, so he benefitted financially.

I would also wonder whether his work ever said they would reduce wages by 10% or if that was another lie?

I would take him up on his offer to see his bank statements.

But he's made that 10 back up
Mumbum2011 · 23/12/2020 00:18

Is he a gambler?

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