Husband lied about work pay changes

[BookThief2020]

Need to get some perspectives on this (NC to avoid being identified).

My husband was told at the beginning of lockdown that his work were temporarily reducing all salaries by 10% but this would all eventually be paid back (ie it was just to prevent cashflow issues - everyone would eventually go back to normal salaries and the deductions be paid back on top).

When it got to the autumn, I asked him if they had said when they might be stopping the 10% deductions as (at the time) times were getting back to normal. He said he would check.

A few weeks ago, I asked again and he said he had checked a few weeks previously and his work had said the wages had been returned to normal in September and they had also paid him a lump sum to make up for the previous deductions. I asked him why he hadn’t mentioned that to me before and he got all funny and slightly guilty but tried to laugh it off.

Tonight, when we were sorting out some financial admin, it emerged that actually, when he had asked, they had told him that his wage had never been decreased in the first place (ie they never implemented the 10% cut in the end). I asked him why he had said something different before and he again did the weird guilty laugh thing and said he didn’t know and that I could go through his bank account if I wanted.

I said I had no desire to but couldn’t understand why he would tell such a pointless lie, and that I didn’t feel comfortable with the fact that he could look me in the eye and lie to me. I asked if he felt he’d been wrong to lie, and he said that he didn’t think it was a big deal as the financial position was still the same as it would have been anyway.

The money part isn’t the issue (as overall, his wage was always going to be topped back up to normal anyway) but I don’t like the fact that he made up a lie with details (ie them paying him the lump sum) and doesn’t see any issue with that.

Appreciate it may seem minor and boring but have found the whole thing a bit upsetting.

AIBU?

@NotOfThisWorld yes, that’s basically how I feel. I even asked him at the time (when he mentioned the ‘lump sum’ if there was something going on as he was acting so odd when he was telling me (which I now know was because he was making up a lie).

@BibbityBobbityBellend Yes, I think you’re right about there being issues about being the higher earner - not resentment at me but him wanting to be in a more financial secure position.

Thank you for the advice about approaching gently. I was just so taken aback last night to find out he had told a weird but very specific lie to my face, and was acting like it’s no big deal.

I still feel the need to make it clear that continued lying is just not on though.

It’s clear he said it to save face - he thought he’d rectify it with a ‘lump sum’ to the joint account and you’d be none the wiser about him effectively having had extra money these last 6 months. What’s most puzzling is why he then admitted it was different. Your OP says “it emerged that” which is an odd turn of phrase - were you checking his payslips or something?

Anyway, it was stupid, lying liars are awful to live with and it erodes trust. You’re not wrong to find that frustrating and upsetting or to insist he understands why you’re upset.

In terms of the money stuff, are you absolutely sure he finds your proportional payment system fair? We did this pre marriage and kids, but now we pool all money and have equal spending money. Are you sure he’s not a bit resentful that you have more spending money than him?

@NoSquirrels

He was sat next to me yesterday evening logged onto his online banking to sort out his payments to make up for his underpayments.

I was next to him sorting out questions for a Christmas quiz (so wasn’t looking at his bank statements etc). He got in a tangle about the numbers and asked me to help. While doing so, he said that his wage had been unchanged throughout the year. I said that that wasn’t what he had said before... and so the argument began.

I will ask about the proportional payments though.

Thank you all by the way. It’s reassuring to know that I do have some reason to be at least a bit upset x

You would be amazed at how many people never check their payslips. I’m involved in payroll at work. We changed to a new (online) payslip system last April & I reckon around 50% of staff have not registered yet.

Mountains, molehills.. and this is a dangerous path on here. So many times on here I’ve seen threads start over one small thing and turn into someone being egged into ending a relationship. It’s not fair, not funny, and not on.

I promise I have no plans to end my marriage over internet advice. I just needed a sanity check over whether I was overreacting or not.

I have spoken a bit to my husband today and he has acknowledged that even what he considers to be a small lie can be corrosive.

A lot of it is to do with him doing what he thinks will avoid an argument in the short-term, but it leading to a bigger argument in the long term, which is an issue that has come up for us before.

I have reiterated that I don’t think lying is acceptable.

I should add that we also discussed how I react to issues, and how that might be fuelling his reluctance to be honest - so the discussion wasn’t just focused on him.