to think that 'you are/do' what pays the bills?

[BarryWhiteIsMyBrother]

This is something I've always found odd. When you ask someone what they do and they reply with a job or trade that they never actually made any money from and that they do something completely different instead.

Let me clarify. I know someone who trained as an interior designer for a year, redecorated her place, but works at the post office - has done for over ten years (she did the interior design course around 15 years ago). However if you ask her what she does, she says she's an interior designer. To me, that's inaccurate because her job is not designing interiors but working at the post office.

Another example: this man I know (friend's partner) works in a logistics company, decent job, been there for years. However if you ask him what he does he will tell you he's a musician (he and some friends have a band but have never been paid to play anywhere).

I totally get the freedom of speech and the fact that, at the end of the day, you can say what you like. But surely, from an accuracy point of view, the above is inaccurate? Just because my OH takes pictures of me that doesn't make me a supermodel?

I was always told it's rude to ask people what they do for a living, point blank. Maybe they're trying to indicate that?

It's fine if it comes up naturally in conversation, but there's a certain type of person who will ask, within the first few minutes of meeting someone 'and what do you do for a living'. That's plain rude.

I have two weeks off from my office job, and I'm spending half of every day writing.

If I were paid for it, you could call it my job. But what if I get paid for it in the future? Was it retrospectively my job?

My mum is a published author. Only about half of her stuff was published and she also volunteered and was a SAHM. Was she a half-writer?

I'm actually quite senior and a high earner, but my job is still very much just a skill set I trade for money. It's not who I am.

I think it depends on the context. If I was at a party or met someone socially I'd be delighted if they told me about their music or interior design things, much more to talk about. If they continually misrepresented themselves when we were friends or knew them better, I'd think it was a bit odd!

Yanbu interior designer my arse [smile

I was taught that it’s rude to ask what someone does (probably because half my family are medics in one form or another & don’t waste to discuss your ingrown toenail at parties!) & instead you should ask “how do you spend your time”. IME it also leads to far more interesting conversations.

I don’t experience this directly much, but see younger people doing it (aspiring actors / models)

But I think you are being very Tall Poppy OP - I don’t see any harm in it - if a side hustle that earns you 5% of your income is the job you are proud of or speaks to who you are, then why not state that. Why not define yourself how you want?

Very true

I look after my family and get through life the best I can. What my company title the work I do for them and they they pay me for is an irrelevance.

What do you do, OP?

@SaltyAF

What do you do, OP?

Oooo I want to know too!!

I own two businesses but have two amazing people running the second one as I just don't have the time. They take all the credit for the business doing very well!

Two things I'd like to clarify:

1. the 'what do you do' question does mean 'what do you do for a job' as some PPs mentioned.

1. it's not me asking at parties or when I meet people. It's an observation I have made multiple times when I saw these people first chat to others and describe themselves as an interior designer/musician. I actually never ask people what they do for a job because I don't like talking about mine since I rarely switch off so any chance to talk about something else is welcome!

@IcelandicMoss

"Yes. But at the time, if someone asked “what do you for a living?” they’d have said their job presumably."

But "What do you do for a living?" is a different question to "What do you do?" which is what the OP said - what do you do, what are you? I doubt very much that T.S Eliot would have answered that question with anything other than "I am a poet" or "I write poetry".

Turns out that is what OP meant.

I never ask.

@TheClitterati

Ever since he started working (about 30 years ago) my friend always tells people who asks he sweeps the runways at the airport.

I think people who ask what you do when they first meet you are assessing what degree of respect to accord you.

There are many more interesting things to chat about when you are getting to know people than their job.

whilst I completely agree that we are not defined by our job

your friend is being ridiculous. Making small talk is not about "respect" , it's finding something non-controversial and politically correct to talk about.

Asking about your activity is just opening a conversation.

@Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons

I was taught that it’s rude to ask what someone does (probably because half my family are medics in one form or another & don’t waste to discuss your ingrown toenail at parties!) & instead you should ask “how do you spend your time”. IME it also leads to far more interesting conversations.

I guarantee you that more than a few posters would be dreadfully offended by that question, call it goady and judgemental

“Making small talk is not about "respect" hmm, it's finding something non-controversial and politically correct to talk about. “

I agree with the respect thing. But a lot of jobs are actually controversial.

I guess it depends why you are asking. Insurance quote - they should give their paid occupation. Small talk - doesn't matter, you are asking about them and they are telling you how they see themselves.

FWIW, after we've done the swapping of names and the who are you here with / who do you know here stuff, I usually ask people what's their passion - what do they love doing?

Weird, I've never known anyone who does this.

I agree with you to a degree OP. In response to that question I think it's a little silly to describe yourself as something if it's not something you actually do regularly (for example an 'actor' who has never got further than auditions, or an 'interior designer' who hasn't designed an interior for a decade).

I get paid to write in addition to my full time job. My DP gets paid as a musician in addition to his. Neither of us would describe ourselves in terms of those side-hustles if asked 'what do you do [for a living]' because neither pursuit is what occupies most of our working week and pays the mortgage. On the other hand if you asked my DP what his main interest is, his answer would be music.

I think it’s a very rude question and people can respond how ever they like as it’s really no business of anyone else

I don't tend to ask people what they do for a living. Does anyone really care? After covid many of us will be doing whatever job is available, it doesn't really say much about them as a person.

To all those who are saying it's a rude question - please see my OP. I do of course acknowledge freedom of speech but from an accuracy PoV surely aspirational occupations are just that, aspirational?

I don’t know anyone who does this actually , I lie
My ex said he was a plumber
He was. Sahp
Think it’s an ego thing

My DH’s friend recently lost his job as a sous chef due to covid so he called DH up one evening saying he had found a job in construction. DH is an engineer so long background in construction and asked him what job he was doing (thinking maybe bricklayer or something). He’s a cleaner. An industrial cleaner but a cleaner. Think he felt embarrassed to tell DH the truth.

I briefly dated a music producer - what that meant is in his drug fuelled years he did produce music and DJ a fair bit but didn’t really make money from it. It was just a hobby when we met, and he did something else entirely different to make money.