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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be wary of this school mum and her money issues

91 replies

moita · 22/12/2020 13:53

I was recently added on Facebook by a fellow mum from my son's school. She mentioned her son talks about mine quite often and maybe we could meet at the park one day during the holidays.

I like her but I know her home life is quite chaotic and her little boy has some emotional struggles at school due to this (she's told me this and my son's mentioned this boy's behaviour to me).

She's started messaging me quite a lot mentioning how hard up she is. I initially sympathised but she kept on and started mentioning specific amounts i.e ' I just need a friend to lend me a tenner for the electricity and we'll be alright this week'.

I got a bit uncomfortable as we're struggling ourselves at the moment (I'm a carer and husband is furloughed). I've tried suggesting places she could get help (local council, health visitor, local charities) but she brushes this off. Then the messages mentioning money start again.

I do feel badly for her but AIBU to distance myself?

OP posts:
MellowYellow101 · 22/12/2020 15:26

Echo the other posts, but CF is a bit extreme. Some people don't understand their communication can make others feel uncomfortable so let's not all jump on her and see the worst in people, its been a tough year for us all.

You've offered her help by signposting her to places that can help. Perhaps remind her of your previous message and say you understand her situation but not in a position to offer out help if she was discreetly suggesting so. Also rhe comment on the head is a good point as schools are offering free meals aren't they? That would take away some financial pressure.

Good luck!

NotOfThisWorld · 22/12/2020 15:26

I agree that I wouldn't reference your own financial situation, that could lead down a rabbit hole - but your kids got XYZ for Christmas you must have money. You don't need to justify it to her. You've offered practical advice I wouldn't engage any further when she talks about money.

Gogreengoblin · 22/12/2020 15:27

It's possible that her Facebook could have been hacked. I've had a message from someone on Facebook asking for money before.

DonkeyMcFluff · 22/12/2020 15:28

I’m afraid I would block her. She’s only added you as a friend so she can rinse you for money.

ScrapThatThen · 22/12/2020 15:28

You don't need to claim poverty. She's rude to keep asking and I would just ignore those questions and reply minimally. Encourage your child to show understanding to the child, but not to put up with any bad behaviour that affects him or to be closer friends than he wants to. It does suggest mum has an addiction I would say (whether substances or spending). Share information discreetly with school if you feel concerned for her child.

IrmaFayLear · 22/12/2020 15:36

I wouldn’t “flag it with the school” as others have suggested. If it is mentioned to her she will know it’s you and it could turn nasty.

Just a crisp response, “No, sorry, I can’t lend any money,” will suffice. Sometimes a rather unliberated recourse to, “Oh, no, my dh checks all the outgoings” may be a good cowards way out.

ChristmasPerfectionist · 22/12/2020 15:42

What is wrong with some people Confused

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/12/2020 15:42

Some people don't understand their communication can make others feel uncomfortable so let's not all jump on her and see the worst in people.

No one is 'jumping' on her. She isn't the one posting here for advice.

It's very right that asking and constantly hinting for money makes others feel uncomfortable. It's behaviour that is calculated to do precisely that. As a PP mentioned, it's manipulative.

People who communicate in this way need boundaries setting so that they cease to make others feel uncomfortable. Her motivation isn't important: the way it makes the OP feel, is.

BigCrimboCorona · 22/12/2020 15:43

I have a friend exactly like this! Distance yourself now she only wants to use you.

My friend first started the same way, through our sons at school. Her son always wanted to see my son, she invited him round daily, moaning about her lack of money, no heating for all her kids etc, no money to get to the hospital which she needed a lot for no good reason, eventually I pulled away as she was just using me

YouokHun · 22/12/2020 15:43

I’m going to sound unsympathetic too but I would not offer any pointers to debt advice or offer any information such as “we’re broke too” as it’s just engagement, which, if she determined and used to making roundabout or direct requests she’ll simply use engagement/information to up the ante. If she’s in genuine need then the odd tenner isn’t the solution anyway sadly.

I would just say “I don’t lend or give money. I hope you find a proper solution. Wishing you a good Christmas” then block. I am not sure whether ignoring will actually stop the problem (depends how tenacious she is).

Xerochrysum · 22/12/2020 15:46

If your children is friends with hers, I wouldn't necessarily distance myself, but make it clear there is no way I can offer any money. If she is just after money, as soon as she realise that you won't give her any, she would distance herself from her side, I assume. If not, you can still be friends for the sake of children.

MagnoliaBeige · 22/12/2020 15:49

Next time she does it, just say something like “you’re not the only one with too much month left at the end of the money, hopefully some of the links I sent you before are useful”

Icenii · 22/12/2020 15:51

'that's a shame. I hope you manage to sort it out.'

yetanothernamitynamechange · 22/12/2020 15:56

If you really want her to back of, first of all divert from her hints in the way others have suggested. Then the next day or so message her "you know how we were talking yesterday about how skint we were, is there any chance you could lend me a tenner. Id pay it straight back etc etc". Almost guaranteed she will distance herself from you sharpish. In the unlikely event that she gets back to you with the money just say "thanks I already managed to borrow some from my mum" but I can guarantee this wont happen.

Amerimoon · 22/12/2020 15:56

“Sorry to hear that, I really hope things improve. It’s been such a crappy year for so many people. Take care of yourself and have a lovely Christmas”

Rainbowandscarlett · 22/12/2020 15:56

Say no
I lent a skint mum £20
She paid me back no problems
Then asked for £20,then another,then another-she owes me £140 (would be a lot more but I put a stop to it)
She’s refusing to pay me back-and is hoping I’ll forget about it-I won’t and will get the money back but it’s the lack of respect that’s got to me-she refuses to even speak to me about paying it back-I’d be happy with £10 a month all because I felt sorry for her-pregnant with two other kids and a useless husband who spends all their money on weed

yetanothernamitynamechange · 22/12/2020 16:00

Also by "chaotic homelife" do you mean useless man that drifts in and out drinking etc? If so, I can guarantee any money lent will go straight to buying weed/alcohol/a PS5 for him. Thats not me being snobby by the way, its just that if it is the case then no matter how lovely she is, you will be throwing money you cant afford away and it wont benefit her or her children.

dottiedodah · 22/12/2020 16:01

Just say you wish you could help ,but are not in a position to either .As PP say perhaps just let the School know and they may be able to point her in the right direction.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 22/12/2020 16:01

@Rainbowandscarlett sorry, I posted before I read your post. They are everywhere apparently.

Dogchatname · 22/12/2020 16:04

Fortunately she's hinting, and I much prefer hinters to outright askers because hints can be ignored. So ignore or simply say 'Really sorry, I don't have any spare cash otherwise I would help'. Rinse and repeat, but definitely don't give her any money.

ithinkyouareveryrude · 22/12/2020 16:20

‘Tell me about it, we’re in the same boat.’ And repeat. If you lend once you will open a flood gate and never see it again.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2020 16:22

It'd be so much easier if these 'hinters' would just ask outright so you can say 'no' and have done with it.

It's the constant 'hinting' which make you 'hint back' then they think perhaps you didn't get their hint so they 'hint harder'.

If you don't want to be direct ("Are you asking me to loan you money? Because I can't, we have none to spare ourselves.") then the best thing to do is ignore the hint & redirect the conversation ("Mm-hmm" said vaguely followed by an enthusiastic "Say did you see that ! What do you think of that!!").

If you do that enough she'll move on to her next victim. Just as she's moved on to you from her last one.

Sunshinedrops85 · 22/12/2020 16:51

Wow Total votes: 802 YANBU not even one YABU.

sueelleker · 22/12/2020 16:57

@Dogchatname

Fortunately she's hinting, and I much prefer hinters to outright askers because hints can be ignored. So ignore or simply say 'Really sorry, I don't have any spare cash otherwise I would help'. Rinse and repeat, but definitely don't give her any money.
Don't say "otherwise I would help". She'll take it as a promise for the future.
toocold54 · 22/12/2020 17:06

Definitely do not lend her money it will spiral. Just say ‘that’s a shame, we’re so skint too!’

This.

Never give her money else she will be constantly asking.

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