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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be wary of this school mum and her money issues

91 replies

moita · 22/12/2020 13:53

I was recently added on Facebook by a fellow mum from my son's school. She mentioned her son talks about mine quite often and maybe we could meet at the park one day during the holidays.

I like her but I know her home life is quite chaotic and her little boy has some emotional struggles at school due to this (she's told me this and my son's mentioned this boy's behaviour to me).

She's started messaging me quite a lot mentioning how hard up she is. I initially sympathised but she kept on and started mentioning specific amounts i.e ' I just need a friend to lend me a tenner for the electricity and we'll be alright this week'.

I got a bit uncomfortable as we're struggling ourselves at the moment (I'm a carer and husband is furloughed). I've tried suggesting places she could get help (local council, health visitor, local charities) but she brushes this off. Then the messages mentioning money start again.

I do feel badly for her but AIBU to distance myself?

OP posts:

recklessruby · 22/12/2020 14:40

I would say "yes thats awful isnt it? We re the same just now" and tell her to call the electric company as they will put credit on a key in an emergency (you pay back later) especially if there's a child in the house.
Other things? Suggest she tries citizens advice for help like food bank etc.
Be sympathetic but detached and dont get drawn in.

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 22/12/2020 14:42

Please block her. Keep your distance. I don't like to sound mean but she's taking the piss.
You could say something like ' I can't help you, we are broke and it's Christmas' you've given her ideas of where to get help.

MrsMoastyToasty · 22/12/2020 14:44

If you want to appear helpful then point her in the direction of budgeting apps and websites. Perhaps mention CAB or stepchange.

beavisandbutthead · 22/12/2020 14:46

so your not even close friends and she is asking you for money. I had one of those school mums, sums got bigger and she truly felt entitled as i had more than her. She never paid it back,,,,the best thing was if i had her DC for a few hours it was a play date, however if she had mine it involved me paying. The final straw was her baby sitting and not being happy with £35. Stopped there and then.......

HitthatroadJack · 22/12/2020 14:47

YANBU

she sounds like a CF. I would have more sympathy for a desperate ask for help, but people who make constant requests for money everywhere and refuse to listen to offer of real help are to be avoided like the plague.

I am not struggling but I wouldn't give her a penny.

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2020 14:49

I would go with the suggested "That's a shame, we're skint too" line.

Not the "I wish I could help but we're skint too", because people like that can often latch onto the "I wish I could help" part, so it might not entirely close the conversation down.

VestaTilley · 22/12/2020 14:49

I’d flag with the school in case her little boy is at risk- they can direct to the appropriate authorities for food banks etc, and advise social workers etc if needed. But don’t lend or give money to her, no.

BarbaraofSeville · 22/12/2020 14:49

If she's not interested in practical help like council, HV, charities etc and only wants money, then if you did lend her money, you'd never get it back and you'd probably have to watch her spending on non essentials while crying poverty and dropping hints about help with the electricity.

I know there's people who genuinely don't have enough for the basics, but for every one of those, there's probably about ten who just want to spend as they like while others go without to fund it.

Agree with those who suggest saying 'I know how you feel, I wish someone would give us a tenner too'.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2020 14:51

She could well have substance abuse problemsDo not lend money. What a cheek to even ask you!
Just say no.

andyoldlabour · 22/12/2020 14:53

Run for the hills, don't look back

MitziK · 22/12/2020 14:55

Put it this way.

I had a friend who always seemed a little crestfallen when I'd come round with a packet of nappies and a loaf of bread 'for the kids' tea' when she'd asked for a loan. I didn't carry money around on me, so I'd add something onto whatever I was buying and pay with my card.

One day she asked me (as she'd never had to deal with things like that) how an overdraft worked. I started by saying well, if you were skint and somebody lent you a tenner before your money came in, you know how you'd pay them back their tenner first...?

The blank stare and 'Why would I pay them back first?' made me realise fairly sharpish that some people just have to be backed away from, the quicker, the better.

sueelleker · 22/12/2020 14:56

Perhaps you could be "concerned" that you think her Facebook may have been hacked; as "you're sure she wouldn't keep asking for money". (This was a real thing on another thread)

justasking111 · 22/12/2020 14:59

We once had a tenant like this, folk felt sorry for her little boy so there was a concerted effort in the village to get him some lovely xmas presents. She sold them all. Be very careful. In normal times I would befriend the child but keep mum at arms length.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/12/2020 15:04

Ugh, the needy type. What could ever make someone believe a superficial acquaintance entitles them to make demands like these? Hinting or asking for money is humiliating and shows a real want of dignity.

Unfortunately OP the blunt approach is the only language people like this understand. Block and move on. Don't worry about causing offence. She doesn't.

Dagnabit · 22/12/2020 15:05

I agree with the other posters about messaging back about how skint you are too then hopefully she will stop asking.

I had a similar situation a few years ago with a school mum, only she would knock my door to directly ask for money! With her poor daughter in tow... that was difficult to say no to. I lent her a fiver for gas/electric a couple of times which was paid back then the last last time, she lent £6 and paid back £5 so I decided to say no next time on that basis but thankfully, she didn’t ask again because she got a job. She did text a few times to ask if I wanted to buy random stuff like washing powder or shampoo which apparently was shoplifted! She was and is a nice enough woman though, she just has a few issues but I prefer to keep her at arms length.

Thehollyandtheirony · 22/12/2020 15:06

The mute button was made for people like this.

Charlie63849 · 22/12/2020 15:08

Just stop replying

LolaSmiles · 22/12/2020 15:09

YANBU. Sympathise and be kind but don't part with any money.

If it was a long standing friend then I'd consider lending a small amount, but nothing I couldn't afford to lose should circumstances change, but the fact she is a new acquaintances and doesn't seem interested in seeking established methods of support is a big red flag to me.

Beautifulbonnie · 22/12/2020 15:12

Yeah. I would say

Oh gosh. Yes. Wish we’d have someone lend us money for leccy too!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/12/2020 15:14

I agree with the other posters about messaging back about how skint you are too then hopefully she will stop asking.

Why do that? Your finances are none of her business and you owe her no explanations whatsoever. Text reply: 'Here's a good financing app', then block.

Maybe experience has made me cynical but why indulge cheeky fuckery by going to the effort of softening the blow when you say 'no?' I'd never go out of my way to hurt others but I have a low tolerance and strong boundaries surrounding this kind of BS. CF-Mum doesn't care about anyone else's circumstances. The more you JADE or give excuses as to why you can't help, the more leverage you've just given her to argue the toss as to why you should.

Sounds harsh but I've met her type before. And IMO, you don't need people around who try to drain you financially or emotionally.

yellowhighheels · 22/12/2020 15:16

I know it sounds unsympathetic but I'd give her one chance to pack it in with the hints then just ignore further messages seeing as you're not close friends anyway and you're not in a position to lend money. You've suggested practical help which is great.

Just text back 'Sorry you're having a hard time, Jane, we are really short of cash too, I'm afraid'. Don't mention Christmas or anything that makes it sound temporary or it'll just start back up.

Don't know about you but I wouldn't so much mind an outright request for £10. That would feel straightforward and I could say 'sorry, no'. It's the hints that would wear me down. Ok, it's not easy to ask for help but she's comfortable enough repeatedly hinting at someone she doesn't know that well. It's manipulative. An acquaintance of mine used to be like this, not really about money but other favours. I ended up saying to her, if you want something, ask me directly, I will ignore hints.

Could be worth letting the school know though.

TheGoogleMum · 22/12/2020 15:18

You've done the right think signposting where she can get help. I fear this is the type of person who guilt trips you into helping and then thinks they are entitled to your help forever (they will never pay you back). I think I'd pretend to be even more skint than I really was to make the message clear of not having spare money to share!

Nowaynothappening · 22/12/2020 15:18

Something along the lines of ‘it’s been a tough year, we’re in the same boat’ should suffice then I’d mute her and crack on with your life. Definitely steer clear of her, she’s a nightmare in the making.

Nicolastuffedone · 22/12/2020 15:24

I wouldn’t say you’re skint/wish someone would lend you money etc. True or not, that’s none of her business. I’d go with you, it’s been a difficult time hasn’t it/keep sign posting her and then just back away.....longer and longer between replying to texts, always having to dash if she corners you.......

Nicolastuffedone · 22/12/2020 15:25

Yes, not you......

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