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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still be attracted to him?

103 replies

dolledall · 21/12/2020 21:38

I know I'm being unreasonable but I think I need help.

I have had a "thing" with a man who I have known for a while but only started sleeping with in April. Let's call him Sam.

We have never been exclusive or official, but both have feelings for each other. He doesn't have an official job and what he does is illegal. He regularly beats people up for ridiculous reasons. It is awful and I would never do something like that myself. But I can't stay away. I am constantly desperate for his approval and reassurance and want him to want me.

On Saturday night he verbally abused my friend, he called her a multitude of names and threatened to hurt her. We were all drunk and he was on drugs. It was terrible. I have never seen him like that before.

I need to stay away from him, but I can't! My moods are based upon him. If he hasn't text me, then I will be in a mood and upset. If I haven't heard from him in a few days then I will be down and will try to do anything to get his attention.

I want to be with him but I know that can never happen.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I want somebody so terrible?!

OP posts:

Original poster

dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:35

[quote letsdolunch321]@dolledall does he only pick on younger boys?

He needs help with his anger and mental health

[/quote]
No, the same age or older. If any are younger it isn't by a lot. He's almost four years older than me.

OP posts:

Original poster

dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:36

@nancybotwinbloom

Think of your son.

If this relationship was to go anywhere would you trust him to be around the most precious thing you have.

It won't and it can't go anywhere. I know that, but I can't let go? I don't even know how to explain it.

OP posts:

PrincessNutNutRoast · 21/12/2020 22:37

I don't think of myself as a sub, I don't think it's "dominance" that I am necessarily attracted to

Ok, so what is drawing you to him? He's a fist-happy knuckledragger who appears to go after women and younger boys, so it can't be that you can imagine him wrestling a bear or something, he sounds like a coward to boot. What exactly is it?

Original poster

dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:37

@PrincessNutNutRoast

I don't think of myself as a sub, I don't think it's "dominance" that I am necessarily attracted to

He doesn't go after younger boys.

I don't know! I wish I knew.

OP posts:

k1233 · 21/12/2020 22:40

He can't control his anger. What do you think will happen when you do something that angers him? He's not going to hold back, it sounds like he's never practised restraint and self control. Do you want to be on the receiving end of that?

It certainly sounds like his life path is not aligned to your goals. I doubt he will ever have a comfortable, relaxed life.

MerchantOfVenom · 21/12/2020 22:41

If you can’t let it go, why not just crack on, and learn the lesson when it all goes wrong (when, not if)?

In the meantime, I recommend using water tight contraception, because while you’re free to be as unkind to yourself as you want to be, it would be profoundly cruel to make this person be anyone’s father.

Not entirely sure this is real, as surely no-one is this incapable, but whatever.

HangOnToYourself · 21/12/2020 22:42

This is infuriating because my friend sounded just like you and we had to watch her on the fucking shit show merry go round of an abusive relationship for years. Its not that you "cant" stop you are choosing not too. You need to grow up and think about your son, how can you possibly justify being linked to this man when you have a child to protect
If you stay with him he will be abusive to you and frankly probably your ds as well, decide who is more important to you

Bootskates · 21/12/2020 22:44

Ok i'm assuming a nitrous oxide canister thing?

Tricky. I still think he should not have retaliated and should have left if things were getting heated but I can see in your position why you are finding it complicated. I would still try and go cold turkey though, this man will not bring you happiness so what's the point? Leave it now before you get in too deep. You talk about attraction etc now but what about when you fall deeper?

nancybotwinbloom · 21/12/2020 22:45

Well you have to let it go.

Your not in a relationship with him. He sees other people as do you.

Your 21.

Do not make a decision to be one of his harem ffs.

Concentrate on your son. Get something off love honey and save yourself the drama of it all.

You involve yourself with this man and you put your son at risk.

If he's doing this type of stuff now, he will only want to progress to the next level.

How long till your minding drugs, guns whatever.

Get a grip of yourself, put your son first and stop these stupid, selfish fucking shenanigans before you ruin your life, your sons life for a dickhead in a trackie with no job and prob a prison sentence.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 21/12/2020 22:48

Ok...well, to be honest, OP, you can't generally reason your way out of being attracted to someone, so if you're drawn to him then nothing we say will change that, as truly horrible as he sounds. You might just have to accept that you feel attracted to him, without knowing why, and just set that feeling aside while you get the fuck away from him and make damn sure he never gets near your child. You can't always get what you want, sometimes what you want is poison, so this might just have to be something you learn to live with while you absolutely do not get near him because he's a violent fucking arsehole, albeit an inexplicably attractive one.

At your age, there'll be no shortage of opportunities and these feelings WILL pass.

waltzingparrot · 21/12/2020 22:51

One day he is going to physically hurt you, or worse.

Get out now, if he'll let you.

Bettysnow · 21/12/2020 22:55

Your post is very worrying. If you can't distance yourself from him for yourself do it for your child. Basically your inviting the devil himself into your life which ultimately will at some point involve your son. Im no fortune teller but from what you have said i can assure you that if you do get serious with him he will hurt you at some point and will hurt your son! You can try and convince yourself that he wouldn't but he will! Why are you putting your child at risk associating with someone this dangerous? You say he has a "dark side?" Surely your main priority is to protect your child from this man? You say he hasn't met your child but he doesn't need to meet your child to cause him harm because he is capable of harming you and you know this! If you love your son then stop contact!

Wheresmykimchi · 21/12/2020 22:55

OMG I missed that you had a son. What on earth are you doing ?

Wheresmykimchi · 21/12/2020 22:56

Oh well as long as he doesn't go after younger boys @dolledall. That's alright then.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 21/12/2020 22:58

I wonder if you perhaps think the love of a good woman will redeem him and you could be his saviour in that respect? My mother thought that about my father. There were nice moments when she thought she'd done it (as with every abusive relationship), but more often there were screaming matches and flying fists. Men like him aren't saved by the love of good women, they just chew the women up and tell themselves how great they are now. They just absorb them. If you're really lucky, you get to be the child of one of these gits, and then you get to be bashed around while being told how fantastic he is. It's like being in a completely shit parallel universe to everyone else and it makes you into a cynical, embittered and deeply sarcastic fart like me.

If you're attracted to him then you can't switch that off at will, but for the love of God let your head rule this one, and realise that however tempting he is (and it might be telling that you don't know why, because he is such a FUCKING ARSEHOLE), he's not a sexy mystery, he's just a man who farts and shits like everyone and also a GBH case waiting to happen. Like the extra mug of mulled wine at the Christmas party, you want it but you WILL regret it, and the damage won't be fixed by a fry up at noon the next day.

Just stay away. He is a pig and if anyone saves him, it'll only ever be himself.

Coaster20 · 21/12/2020 22:58

It's a sort of negging that is making you more attracted to him. He treats you badly and you seek his approval. You don't even like him. Take control, block him and avoid. You will come to your senses when you distance yourself from this man. You know you will never be happy with him and you owe it to your child.

Littleyell · 21/12/2020 23:02

Get rid OP ASAP. What has your friend said to you since???

It gets worse he takes drugs too.

This is a really good book. I bought it when I was going through a hard time and I was involved with someone who was toxic.

Original poster

dolledall · 21/12/2020 23:03

Thank you all for the kick up the arse.

He is blocked. Time to move on.

OP posts:

NiceTwin · 21/12/2020 23:04

How old is he?

I have a feeling he is older than you.
Honestly, if it is the great sex that makes you want him, there will be equally great sex with a nice person.
Don't live your life in fear of this prick, move on whilst you can!

Tumblebugsjump · 21/12/2020 23:09

Your fooling yourself, there is nothing mysterious or romantic here in anyway, just vile nastiness.

Twiddlet · 21/12/2020 23:12

Well done op. It takes balls to walk away from somebody that feels addictive but you know this isn’t good for you.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 21/12/2020 23:13

Well done, OP.

Remember, however addictive or attractive he seems to you, a bunch of more objective people are just seeing a total bellend.

sofiaaaaaa · 21/12/2020 23:14

If he can’t control his anger in public, he doesn’t have the boundaries in place to control his anger in private either. What if god forbid he can’t control his anger with your son? You don’t want him to grow up in the same environment you did where you had to walk on eggshells, afraid of accidentally riling him.

I’m 23 and really can’t see what you see in him. You’re at that age where your age mates are graduating university and starting their professional careers, why would a potential drug dealer be on your radar when you could date someone on track in life?

You know this man brings nothing to the table but dick, which is cheap currency as any guy can provide that. Focus on your child and education to fill the void of missing him.

DontWalkPastTheCastle · 21/12/2020 23:18

Of course you can stay away from him, you fool. You just need to decide to.

MammaSchwifty · 21/12/2020 23:19

glad to see you've blocked him, keep him that way.

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