To still be attracted to him?

[dolledall]

I know I'm being unreasonable but I think I need help.

I have had a "thing" with a man who I have known for a while but only started sleeping with in April. Let's call him Sam.

We have never been exclusive or official, but both have feelings for each other. He doesn't have an official job and what he does is illegal. He regularly beats people up for ridiculous reasons. It is awful and I would never do something like that myself. But I can't stay away. I am constantly desperate for his approval and reassurance and want him to want me.

On Saturday night he verbally abused my friend, he called her a multitude of names and threatened to hurt her. We were all drunk and he was on drugs. It was terrible. I have never seen him like that before.

I need to stay away from him, but I can't! My moods are based upon him. If he hasn't text me, then I will be in a mood and upset. If I haven't heard from him in a few days then I will be down and will try to do anything to get his attention.

I want to be with him but I know that can never happen.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I want somebody so terrible?!

In fact this does sound like the early stages of an abusive relationship - just gonna throw that out there

You sound masochistic

I’m sure Hitler was a lovely man at times too. Why are you so desperate to find his good points? He is already a shit to strangers, which should have been a dealbreaker, but now he’s actually hurt your friend- the fact you have started a thread on this (rather than considering the decision a no-brainer), is very worrying.

Continue down this path and this man will destroy your life and everything you thought you were and once held dear.

Run while you still can

I mean ....he hurts people. Does focusing on that not help (don’t mean that in an unkind way). When he’s texting being nice can you try focusing on that fact and how it must feel for the people he hurts.

I think you need to work hard to get out of it....because otherwise you might be the person her hurts or someone you love. God forbid you have kids with him or anything.

Don't use MH as an excuse for bad behaviour !!

You can have MH issues AND make poor choices.

They are not mutually exclusive.

@dolledall

I didn't say he is a stand up bloke at all. I'm saying, he comes across well.

You said, "on the most part he is a "nice" guy".

He sounds like an absolute tosser.

Get your self-esteem sorted. You won't even look at another loser like him afterwards.

Your body / mind is tricking you into thinking that this heightened state of anguished emotion is some sort of love / sign that he’s something special. Think about it: when people hurt, tease, ghost, reject us, we are pretty much all wired to want to find a way to soothe ourselves. Often they can make it better by showing kindness again. The more he acts like he’s doing his own thing and doesn’t need you, the more you feel you need to prevent that and seek reassurance. In fact, some dickhead blokes even turned it into a dating strategy called The Game, where you start by insulting / rejecting / giving backhanded compliments to women just so you can give them a thrill when you then praise them. These men are shitbags.

Take your heart out of this and look at it cold and hard. He does drugs, is abusive and threatening to women, he’s regularly violent, he breaks the law, he’s unemployed which isn’t a crime but it sounds like he’s made it into one...this is only the stuff that he thinks is presentable enough to reveal about himself publicly. Who knows what other shit he’s up? He’s threatened to hit your female friend in front of you. There is nothing in his brain that’s going to stop him from punching you unconscious if you piss him off.

Why are you not listening to these alarm bells and running? You recognise that he’s an absolute mess of a bloke and is nothing but trouble. You’re seeking his approval when he doesn’t deserve it, simply because his rejection makes you feel you want to work harder to win him round. Keep going back to asking yourself why. He sounds repulsive and dangerous. If you can afford a session or two with a psychologist then I really would invest in it rather than in him.

Christ.

I had things with a couple of people who were chaotic and selfish like this - but not vicious like this.

I think you are dick struck, as I was. But there is also a massive self esteem thing here - you don’t think you are worth much, so you like being with someone who basically annihilates you as a person... is that it?!

As a start for building your confidence, stop telling yourself you can’t leave him - you can, you’re just choosing not to right now.

Then sort out some counselling to figure out what you’re playing at, once you see it laid bare, you’ll likely want out.

In the meantime, try not to loose your mates... because making you do that is a classic manipulation technique - you realise that, right?

Why the hell are you with such an awful person? Run far far away and give yourself a mental slap every time you consider going back to him

Good luck OP 🙄

Sure if that's what you aspire to in real life.
Crack on!

He is sort of irrelevant in this situation. The pivotal issue is why you are so drawn to a man like him.

So you’re seeing a violent drug dealer..

I know COVID has hit hard but tinders selection must be better than this these days, even if all the good boys are staying away from dating due to restrictions

Yeah, the drugs, won't help with his mental health issues, will they?

Grow up and block him. If you can't trust yourself to do that, you need to change your number. He's behaved horribly to your friend - why aren't you outraged?

This isn't a soap or some shitty film - sort yourself out.

Oh and the more successful drug dealers don’t take the drugs.. you’ve just got a dickhead

He sounds lovely.

He sounds lovely...

Please work on your self esteem and find out why you think someone so vile is worth your time.

Tell us about you. What was your dad like? What are your goals and where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Imagine him getting cavity searched next time he gets nicked. That usually does it for me

You're out of your flaming mind!!
Feel the heartbreak, power through it, give yourself time and you will find yourself healing and getting over it.

Worst friend ever if you go back to him after what he did to your friend. You'd be the biggest idiot.

YABU. Throw the whole man away.

Seriously though OP, if you continue with this you will lose your friends. I know right now you think that you'd risk that for this man you can't live without , but don't.

This sounds like a Domestic abuse nightmare waiting to happen.
If you want police involvement, DV agencies, multiagency meetings all discussing your circumstances, then go ahead. Do you have children? As then Social services will be in there too.
Another couple of incidents like him threatening your friend, and you’ll be on the merry go round.

Sounds grim tbh.