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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be attracted to him?

103 replies

dolledall · 21/12/2020 21:38

I know I'm being unreasonable but I think I need help.

I have had a "thing" with a man who I have known for a while but only started sleeping with in April. Let's call him Sam.

We have never been exclusive or official, but both have feelings for each other. He doesn't have an official job and what he does is illegal. He regularly beats people up for ridiculous reasons. It is awful and I would never do something like that myself. But I can't stay away. I am constantly desperate for his approval and reassurance and want him to want me.

On Saturday night he verbally abused my friend, he called her a multitude of names and threatened to hurt her. We were all drunk and he was on drugs. It was terrible. I have never seen him like that before.

I need to stay away from him, but I can't! My moods are based upon him. If he hasn't text me, then I will be in a mood and upset. If I haven't heard from him in a few days then I will be down and will try to do anything to get his attention.

I want to be with him but I know that can never happen.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I want somebody so terrible?!

OP posts:
nancybotwinbloom · 21/12/2020 22:17

So far,

he's insulted your mate and threatened to hurt her

Has violent tendencies

Beats people up

Maybe sells drugs

Has mental health issues with controlling anger?

What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

letsdolunch321 · 21/12/2020 22:21

@dolledall The dark side that is controlled by drugs and alcohol. He sounds like a great bloke - NOT !!!

longcoffeebreak · 21/12/2020 22:21

I thought I was mental till I read this 😂

Original poster
dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:23

@billy1966

Good luck OP 🙄

Sure if that's what you aspire to in real life.
Crack on!

It's not what I want. I am asking for help.
OP posts:
Original poster
dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:23

@hadesinahalfahell

He is sort of irrelevant in this situation. The pivotal issue is why you are so drawn to a man like him.
I have no idea why.
OP posts:
Original poster
dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:24

@nancybotwinbloom

So far,

he's insulted your mate and threatened to hurt her

Has violent tendencies

Beats people up

Maybe sells drugs

Has mental health issues with controlling anger?

What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I don't know.
OP posts:
Original poster
dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:24

[quote letsdolunch321]@dolledall The dark side that is controlled by drugs and alcohol. He sounds like a great bloke - NOT !!! [/quote]
Drugs and alcohol aren't the trigger

OP posts:
Shingleballs · 21/12/2020 22:25

You could block, delete and then have some sort of counselling. You don’t need to go exploring the dark side with him to find out.

letsdolunch321 · 21/12/2020 22:26

@dolledall So what is the trigger?????

Original poster
dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:27

@DianaT1969

Tell us about you. What was your dad like? What are your goals and where do you see yourself in 5 years?
My dad was very on and off. My mum was unwell growing up and he struggled to cope. The atmosphere in the house was very tense a lot of the time and he wasn't very supportive. He could get nasty, but it was never anything major.

I have also never wanted for anything and he has been very supportive in many ways, I have always got on well with him - just with ups and downs. I have a great relationship with him now, my parents are still together.

My goals is to be happy, I want to run my own successful business and live a comfortable, relaxed life.

In five years I see myself as a community midwife, saving for a deposit on a house.

OP posts:
PrincessNutNutRoast · 21/12/2020 22:28

Not sure if it's worth mentioning he is struggles with his mental health and has issues controlling his anger.

No shit.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/12/2020 22:28

Do you have/want children?

saveforthat · 21/12/2020 22:28

How old are you op?

Original poster
dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:28

[quote letsdolunch321]@dolledall So what is the trigger?????

[/quote]
I don't know, he gets very angry and if people (boys) wrong him then he will beat them up/fight them. Sober or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:30

@Waxonwaxoff0

Do you have/want children?
I have a son who he has never met. The only time I see him is when I don't have DS.
OP posts:
Original poster
dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:30

@saveforthat

How old are you op?
I'm 21.
OP posts:
Bootskates · 21/12/2020 22:30

If I was the friend in this situation you would never hear from me again if you gave this man the time of day after he did that to me.

How close are you to this friend? I was addicted to a dickhead in my past but if he had threatened one of my friends I would never see him again. And I would expect the same from them.

Please look into why you feel you can't let him go.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 21/12/2020 22:32

What on earth did this knuckledragger ever do to make you feel good? What exactly did he do that you're now hoping to recreate?

I'm a sexual sub so I'm kind of in touch with the darker sides of my desire but this guy is just a thug. An angry, horrible, violent thug. Are you mistaking this for dominance? It's almost the opposite. A dom is in control of himself and looks to bring pleasure. Or do you think it's passion, intensity? It's just a GBH charge waiting to happen.

MumTumLovesPuns · 21/12/2020 22:32

You're 21.

Imagine being 51 and with him in your life and imagine looking back on those years. I doubt you'd be a community midwife with a home and I doubt you'd have much of a relationship with your son, who after all is a boy who'd probably "talk back" and take a few beatings.

Notch it up to experience, have a good cry and then block, delete, ignore and go and say sorry to your friend and mean it.

Original poster
dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:33

@Bootskates

If I was the friend in this situation you would never hear from me again if you gave this man the time of day after he did that to me.

How close are you to this friend? I was addicted to a dickhead in my past but if he had threatened one of my friends I would never see him again. And I would expect the same from them.

Please look into why you feel you can't let him go.

Relatively close but it's complicated. She threw a metal canister at his head (which hit him) after he insulted her. They had been making digs at each other all night, but her throwing the canister set him off.
OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 21/12/2020 22:33

@dolledall does he only pick on younger boys?

He needs help with his anger and mental health

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/12/2020 22:33

The reason I ask is because I am the child of a man like you describe. This is not a lifestyle you want to bring a child into. It is dangerous. I was put in danger many times as a child. I hate my dad for ruining my childhood and my mum forever carries the guilt for it.

Your son should be the motivation you need to step away from this. Imagine if yoy or your son got hurt due to your involvement with this man.

Original poster
dolledall · 21/12/2020 22:34

@PrincessNutNutRoast

What on earth did this knuckledragger ever do to make you feel good? What exactly did he do that you're now hoping to recreate?

I'm a sexual sub so I'm kind of in touch with the darker sides of my desire but this guy is just a thug. An angry, horrible, violent thug. Are you mistaking this for dominance? It's almost the opposite. A dom is in control of himself and looks to bring pleasure. Or do you think it's passion, intensity? It's just a GBH charge waiting to happen.

I'm not hoping to recreate anything. I want him and I want him to want me.

I don't think of myself as a sub, I don't think it's "dominance" that I am necessarily attracted to.

OP posts:
YellowEllis · 21/12/2020 22:34

You are so young and have so much life ahead of you. You have a child, who will never be safe around this man. You have aspirations, to become a midwife and a homeowner. Follow them. Don't be a victim of this waster, get out before you become one.

nancybotwinbloom · 21/12/2020 22:34

Think of your son.

If this relationship was to go anywhere would you trust him to be around the most precious thing you have.

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