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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret Santa etiquette

65 replies

Shedbuilder · 21/12/2020 10:41

Back in November a group of us who would normally meet up face to face every couple of weeks but are now Zooming instead, decided to do a secret Santa. We all drew names and all agreed to make/ recycle something for under a fiver. Everything to be dropped off by Wednesday lunchtime for online opening on Zoom Christmas Eve.

Then a couple of weeks ago one of our number dropped out, saying she was too stressed and couldn't cope. She is the one who always has MH/ stress issues and always needs to be treated differently. We're used to it and said no problem, but pointed out that if she didn't give a gift she wouldn't get a gift. She was okay with that.

She'll be Zooming with us when we open our SS gifts — and so now, two days before it's due to happen, she's contacted everyone to say how upset she feels about not having a SS gift to open with us, and how she's dreading spending Xmas alone (we're Tier 4) and how this will just plunge her into further anxiety and desolation...

So, do we get her a gift (or potentially several gifts, because some people are feeling really sorry for her) or do we stand firm?

For context, we've known her for more than 20 years. She's someone who had a difficult early life but has gone on to do okay for herself. She gets a lot of support because she's always subtly reminding people that she hasn't had it as easy as the rest of us. We've supported her a lot through Covid: she's had food parcels and treats and stayed with us (when that was allowed) and we took her on holiday with us in the summer. Others have done similar. AIBU to think we should stand firm and say no, if you don't give someone a SS present you don't get one?

How can we support people like her without supporting them in their role as victims?

OP posts:
CreepyCreepster · 21/12/2020 10:46

Not sure why this is in feminism chat but to answer your question - I'd say oh what a shame, you can still join in the zoom and see what everyone else has got.

She sounds hard work and even my autistic 10 yr old knows you can't drop out of a secret Santa and still expect a gift Confused

Original poster
Shedbuilder · 21/12/2020 10:49

So sorry, thought this was AIBU. Will get it moved. Apologies.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 21/12/2020 11:04

Who does she expect to get her gift, and who does she expect to buy the gift for the person she won't be buying for because of stress? Is she is a drain or radiator in your friendship group OP, I think a simple message of "it's awful right now, we are all struggling with this new change for Christmas plans, but see you on zoom with a glass of something strong" should do. She may be angling for a Christmas dinner invite so someone can cater to her every need so be careful there that it is not you.

Sometimes offering lots of support can be a kindness and sometimes it can leave the supported stuck and not capable of managing life for themselves ( my source of this info is my own shit upbringing, and sometimes people being kind made things worse as it took longer to learn how to help myself)

nosswith · 21/12/2020 11:13

Can I suggest in future years you replace it with a charity donation? Perhaps everyone suggests a charity, a name is drawn out of a hat, and people all donate to that chosen charity?

Sparklfairy · 21/12/2020 11:18

Can't you just give a cheery "oh great, you're back in! Now all of us get a gift!" Forcing her to admit "errr no, I want mine but don't want to give one" Grin or just fucking join in. Might be a low effort shit gift from her though.

ErrolTheDragon · 21/12/2020 11:18

Would it work if you rearranged the opening of the secret Santa presents and then just made Xmas Eve a general get-together?

jay55 · 21/12/2020 11:19

No gift. She can't expect you guys to go through a level of stress (more so now, as it's last minute and shops are shut) that she won't.

Lightsontbut · 21/12/2020 11:23

I would find the make/ recycle something hideously stressful tbh as I am neither practical nor creative. Can you make it less onerous by agreeing that buying something is also OK? Then she could chose to re-join if she wants without the pressure?

SpiderGwen · 21/12/2020 11:24

It’s difficult, because if she emotionally blackmails the group and one of you sends her a gift, you’ll look like a tight sod if you object.

However, I’d just proceed as normal, perhaps acknowledging “you chose to opt out this year, understandably” in the conversations to highlight no one is excluding her, she actively chose to drop out. So obviously no gift.

iamjackslaceratednipples · 21/12/2020 11:24

It's not the same, I know, but could you suggest she gets and wraps herself a £5 gift to join in? You could make that fun / funny by all just being very good natured and upbeat about it...?

OwlinaTree · 21/12/2020 11:26

Who was she buying for before she dropped out? She can join back in if she buys a gift and gets it to the person on time. Otherwise it's a no.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 21/12/2020 11:27

No gift. This year has been hard on everyone. She hasn’t bought for anyone so (for a Secret Santa) she can’t expect to receive. It sounds as if you have been very supportive through the year, she is lucky to have your support but expecting to participate at this stage is unreasonable.

AlwaysCheddar · 21/12/2020 11:28

No gift....

OrigamiOwl · 21/12/2020 11:29

So she's angling to get a gift, while the person who's name she got (before she pulled out) gets nothing? Who does she expect to get her a gift?
If you don't contribute to secret Santa then you don't get a gift.
Keep it breezy... Sorry, you opted out and it's too late notice, it will be great to see you on zoom for a chat tho.

ErrolTheDragon · 21/12/2020 11:30

@OwlinaTree

Who was she buying for before she dropped out? She can join back in if she buys a gift and gets it to the person on time. Otherwise it's a no.
But then the other presents would need redistributing. Unnecessary travel and a waste of everyone's time.
MasterBeth · 21/12/2020 11:30

Jesus, I’ll buy her a gift. I thought Christmas was a time to be kind.

Original poster
Shedbuilder · 21/12/2020 11:33

I've reported this thread and asked for it to be moved but it's taking time.

No, I don't think we'll go the charity donation route, nosswith, mainly because most of us already donate to charities regularly and participate in raising money throughout the year. We've all given to the local food bank in the last few weeks. Most of the people in the group don't have children and even those of us with families don't always receive gifts at Christmas. In my family, for example, no one buys me a gift. I'm 60 and childless and seen to be doing okay and so I assume they think it's not necessary. I've just checked and so far I've given 17 gifts to nieces nephews, my siblings (hampers) and various other friends, relatives and neighbours.

Why can I not be allowed a single secret Santa recycled book or some home-made fudge? Is that really too much to ask?

OP posts:
SpiderGwen · 21/12/2020 11:39

Of course it isn’t, OP 🎁

ErrolTheDragon · 21/12/2020 11:39

It's been showing as under AIBU on the app for a while now.Smile

MariaK91 · 21/12/2020 11:39

I would just kindly tell her no. I appreciate MH is challenging but its not a free ticket to be pandered to.

It's common for people with MH to do stuff like this. Sometimes its better for them to feel the consequence, in this case, not getting to take part in secret santa. Next time she might remember and have more motivation to stick with things. If you get her a present all she learns is that she can give up and people will pick up the slack for her and she'll keep doing it. It's not healthy.

'We're really sorry, it's a bit late now but maybe next time. We're always here for you if you need to talk' Be supportive and nice about it, but remember her MH is not your responsibility.

whichminoguesister · 21/12/2020 11:43

She sounds incredibly manipulative. I'd want to hold firm but I understand it might not go down well. Is she actually a good friend in other ways?

Original poster
Shedbuilder · 21/12/2020 11:45

When she dropped out a while ago we asked that the person who was due to give her a gift would get in touch with her, and she'd tell them the name of the person she was supposed to be doing something for, and she'd just be left out of the loop.

Thanks for the responses, it's reassuring to know I'm not the totally mean bastard I sometimes feel. It sometimes feels as if no matter what we do, no matter how supportive we are, it's never enough.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 21/12/2020 11:46

Although she's taking the piss, I guess she is also somewhat genuinely needy ... in this instance tbh given it's cheap and made or recycled I think I'd find a book or a plant cutting or suchlike to drop off.

Otherwise the event is likely to be spoilt for everyone. She'll either be there looking martyred or some of you will feel guilty if she's left out. The point of secret Santa is a bit of fun, not a commercial transaction.

Aprilx · 21/12/2020 11:48

No she can’t just rejoin, it wouldn’t work anyway at this point as all the names have been given out already. Names would have to be redistributed of she would have to buy for herself.

I had a difficult childhood, more difficult than many people but it has never impacted my ability to participate in secret Santa.

ErrolTheDragon · 21/12/2020 11:48

I'm thinking about how the rest of you will feel more than her in that response btw.