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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Secret Santa etiquette

65 replies

Shedbuilder · 21/12/2020 10:41

Back in November a group of us who would normally meet up face to face every couple of weeks but are now Zooming instead, decided to do a secret Santa. We all drew names and all agreed to make/ recycle something for under a fiver. Everything to be dropped off by Wednesday lunchtime for online opening on Zoom Christmas Eve.

Then a couple of weeks ago one of our number dropped out, saying she was too stressed and couldn't cope. She is the one who always has MH/ stress issues and always needs to be treated differently. We're used to it and said no problem, but pointed out that if she didn't give a gift she wouldn't get a gift. She was okay with that.

She'll be Zooming with us when we open our SS gifts — and so now, two days before it's due to happen, she's contacted everyone to say how upset she feels about not having a SS gift to open with us, and how she's dreading spending Xmas alone (we're Tier 4) and how this will just plunge her into further anxiety and desolation...

So, do we get her a gift (or potentially several gifts, because some people are feeling really sorry for her) or do we stand firm?

For context, we've known her for more than 20 years. She's someone who had a difficult early life but has gone on to do okay for herself. She gets a lot of support because she's always subtly reminding people that she hasn't had it as easy as the rest of us. We've supported her a lot through Covid: she's had food parcels and treats and stayed with us (when that was allowed) and we took her on holiday with us in the summer. Others have done similar. AIBU to think we should stand firm and say no, if you don't give someone a SS present you don't get one?

How can we support people like her without supporting them in their role as victims?

OP posts:

Original poster

Shedbuilder · 21/12/2020 11:55

Thank you for my gift, Spider Gwen. Much appreciated.

OP posts:

LabCoatPocket · 21/12/2020 11:57

As someone who has supported people with significant mental health issues, personally and professionally, the advice I have always been given is not to pander to every whim. Pandering enables, enabling encourages repeat behaviours.

Be sympathetic but firm. In this case, unless she is fully participating and has a name allocated to her that she purchases for, and is truly part of the spirit of the whole thing, then it is a regrettable no.

Alternatively, you bung her a gift as it is Christmas, and the time of giving and and think about how you respond to these types of behaviours next year.

PizzaForOne · 21/12/2020 12:02

Stand strong, its too late now to get something sorted. Are you tier 4? Can justify with that easily (non-essential shops shut). She can join and watch if she wishes

Gonkytonk · 21/12/2020 12:03

No you should not all get her gifts. I’m sure she may have MH issues but that doesn’t make it ok to become a CF!

Tell her if she wants to no join in she’ll need to reconnect the person she traded with to go back to the original plan and she’ll need to be able to provide a gift.

woolff · 21/12/2020 15:23

She is the one who always has MH/ stress issues and always needs to be treated differently.

This is a horrible thing to say.

Original poster

Shedbuilder · 21/12/2020 15:59

Is it horrible to recognise the fact that she regularly requires people to change plans to accommodate her needs? She always explains herself in terms of her mental health/ anxiety levels, which we try to accommodate, as we're trying this time. But sometimes it irritates.

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 21/12/2020 16:40

Don't change plans OP. It wasn't a big ask. Just say, "ah, too late for this year, but join in next year".
She chose not to put a book or jigsaw in the post weeks ago. I agree with a previous poster about enabling.
I sat next to a woman like this at work for a year (I actually wondered if it's the same person, because she pulled stunts like this in her friends and family all the time). Everyone counselled her on what the repurcussions would be of her actions and schemes. We were all kind. But she stubbornly went ahead and caused destructive chaos each time. I started the year with strong mental health and finished it a wreck. I don't think the other posters understand the regularity of this type of thing.
My colleague ruined her friend's chance to have a get-together with female friends because she said she wanted to throw a baby shower. I warned her that it's quite a lot of work to plan and buy for. That only made her more ambitious, and she chose a themed event, hired venue and tried to impose fancy dress. I watched all this like a car crash. The Monday after, I asked how it had gone. She said she cancelled on the morning of the event because her MH wasn't up to it, but had texted them all to send £45 to cover her expenses. The friend having the baby was due her first baby in a month and didn't get another chance to get her girlfriends together. This type of thing was repeated for Christmas, funerals, concerts and moving house.

DianaT1969 · 21/12/2020 16:44

Is your friend in the South East first name begins with A? Around 45?

Original poster

Shedbuilder · 21/12/2020 18:24

No, but I guess there are a fair few people like her around. I don't think my friend has done anything quite that bad.

OP posts:

TeenageMutantNinjaCovid · 21/12/2020 18:28

Get her to join later after you have done it (or you could all just join 30 mins earlier and not tell her)

Or here to leave at the end

Hardbackwriter · 21/12/2020 18:29

I agree, don't give in to this. Can you say that you'll open the presents right at the start of the Zoom and so she can join a little bit later if she wants to skip that bit?

Hardbackwriter · 21/12/2020 18:30

Sorry, cross-post @TeenageMutantNinjaCovid

katy1213 · 21/12/2020 18:37

Tell her your mental health can't cope with re-jigging Secret Santa again. And if it sends her into anxiety and desolation - it was self-inflicted! Bracing kick up the backside might do her more good than everyone tiptoeing round her.

44PumpLane · 21/12/2020 18:50

Was literally about to suggest you tell her to join 30 mins late or leave the chat 30 mins early "as you'd hate to upset her and hopefully next year she'll feel up to participating"

AliceinBunniland · 21/12/2020 18:55

I think she's wanting it all her way

Even if she found it stressful to recycle something she could have asked if she could buy something and get it delivered- that is less cheeky than saying she won't participate but then trying to guilt you into getting her a gift

I'd just say no but not indulge it too much and get into explaining yourself etc

And if she goes on say it's stressing out you / whomever organised it because you can't keep changing things

2bazookas · 21/12/2020 19:05

No, you accommodated her once and at this late stage she's just being manipulative. Sorry, you CHOSE not to take part and AS YOU KNOW its all home=made stuff this year.

what she's really saying is " I couldn't be arsed to make anything, and now I'm going to guilt you all (sob) so I get a pity present from everyone. and none of your handmade crap; just buy it. "

TeenageMutantNinjaCovid · 21/12/2020 19:07

@44PumpLane

Was literally about to suggest you tell her to join 30 mins late or leave the chat 30 mins early "as you'd hate to upset her and hopefully next year she'll feel up to participating"

You dont even need to do that

send her a link for 2.45- you can edit the time and everyone else 2.15- she wouldn't know

2bazookas · 21/12/2020 19:09

@Hardbackwriter

I agree, don't give in to this. Can you say that you'll open the presents right at the start of the Zoom and so she can join a little bit later if she wants to skip that bit?

No, if you do that she'll just contrive to spoil the fun for everyone.

4 of you do the secret santa yourselves without telling her.

Then invite her to a zoom for everyone and say " we already did the presents so as not to upset you".

SantasBritchesSpelleas · 21/12/2020 19:14

I don't think you should go behind her back - that will likely make her feel worse. Why not have the non-SS bit of your call first and suggest she drops off the call when you start the gifts bit, if she finds the gift exchanging too much?

Hardbackwriter · 21/12/2020 19:24

I think she'll make a tremendous drama out of it if she finds out there was a 'secret' bit she wasn't invited to

isadoradancing123 · 21/12/2020 20:06

Stop pandering to her, she is making a habit of messing you around

Clymene · 21/12/2020 20:35

Send her a message saying you're doing gifts at 2 and looking forward to seeing her at 2.30 or whatever.

Be brisk. It's the only way to deal with emotional vampires.

Clymene · 21/12/2020 20:38

I mean send her a message saying that you totally understand she might feel left out so you'll do gifts at 2 etc.

If you've been friends for 20 years I'm guessing this kind of manipulative behaviour is a pattern. Never too late to start saying no

DHdweller · 21/12/2020 20:48

Stop pandering to her

Pipandmum · 21/12/2020 20:53

If she was ten I'd say just get her a gift but for goodness sakes she's a grown up and it's a recycled gift worth a fiver! If she can't handle it then she can miss the whole thing.

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