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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret Santa etiquette

65 replies

Shedbuilder · 21/12/2020 10:41

Back in November a group of us who would normally meet up face to face every couple of weeks but are now Zooming instead, decided to do a secret Santa. We all drew names and all agreed to make/ recycle something for under a fiver. Everything to be dropped off by Wednesday lunchtime for online opening on Zoom Christmas Eve.

Then a couple of weeks ago one of our number dropped out, saying she was too stressed and couldn't cope. She is the one who always has MH/ stress issues and always needs to be treated differently. We're used to it and said no problem, but pointed out that if she didn't give a gift she wouldn't get a gift. She was okay with that.

She'll be Zooming with us when we open our SS gifts — and so now, two days before it's due to happen, she's contacted everyone to say how upset she feels about not having a SS gift to open with us, and how she's dreading spending Xmas alone (we're Tier 4) and how this will just plunge her into further anxiety and desolation...

So, do we get her a gift (or potentially several gifts, because some people are feeling really sorry for her) or do we stand firm?

For context, we've known her for more than 20 years. She's someone who had a difficult early life but has gone on to do okay for herself. She gets a lot of support because she's always subtly reminding people that she hasn't had it as easy as the rest of us. We've supported her a lot through Covid: she's had food parcels and treats and stayed with us (when that was allowed) and we took her on holiday with us in the summer. Others have done similar. AIBU to think we should stand firm and say no, if you don't give someone a SS present you don't get one?

How can we support people like her without supporting them in their role as victims?

OP posts:
gingerbiscuits · 22/12/2020 00:02

**How can we support people like her without supporting them in their role as victims?

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. Sounds as though you've been an amazing group of supportive friends & now she's revelling in being a real drama queen! If she wants a present then she joins in - simple as. Everyone else no doubt has issues & stresses & demands going on in their life right now too - does she ever stop to ask about any of you guys? I'd be starting to lose patience to be honest.

tootesuite · 22/12/2020 00:09

In my family, for example, no one buys me a gift. I'm 60 and childless and seen to be doing okay and so I assume they think it's not necessary. I've just checked and so far I've given 17 gifts to nieces nephews, my siblings (hampers) and various other friends, relatives and neighbours.

Urgh ignore the charity donation secret santa suggestion, boooring! You already donate plenty.

Why are you buying so many presents who buy you fuck all? Selection boxes or boxes of Maltesers all round, or nothing, I say.

MichelleScarn · 22/12/2020 00:17

Do not give in! Is she one of the 'oh don't look at me, I hate attention' but really pay me ALL the attention shit? You could maybe tie in some of above suggestions and say, oh couldn't get a gift out so we've put money in your name to x charity?.. she couldn't complain about that could she?

partyatthepalace · 22/12/2020 08:38

It sounds like she’d benefit from being given some boundaries.

I’d just say - v cheerfully - great you are joining us, you can either just enjoy seeing what everyone else got - or why don’t you get yourself something?

Sounds like it would be a kindness to start being firm with her.

Gardeniaofdelights · 22/12/2020 08:44

For the sake of a fiver I’d include her.

Calmandmeasured1 · 22/12/2020 09:01

@nosswith

Can I suggest in future years you replace it with a charity donation? Perhaps everyone suggests a charity, a name is drawn out of a hat, and people all donate to that chosen charity?
Yes, because that will be great fun to have a zoom call about. Hmm

How does that answer OP's question about supporting her friend without supporting her in her role as victim?

This group obviously want to do a Secret Santa because it can be fun. There is no need to be a killjoy and put your fun-sucking suggestion on the thread. All the people in the group may already make donations to charity. We are allowed to do fun things too.

Calmandmeasured1 · 22/12/2020 09:08

I would just say to friend 'never mind, it's too late now so you know not to duck out next year. If you prefer not to be included in the zoom call because it will upset you, we'll understand'.

Giving in will only enable her and really will not be doing her any favours.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/12/2020 09:17

I agree that you can tell her it’s too late. Life is full of disappointments, especially this year, she can’t possibly be shielded from them all.

MichelleScarn · 22/12/2020 12:04

@Gardeniaofdelights

For the sake of a fiver I’d include her.
And she doesn't have to be a giver? Just a receiver? Nope!
Original poster
Shedbuilder · 23/12/2020 16:07

I thought I'd update. There was agreement among the rest of us that it was too late/ complicated for her to take part in the Secret Santa tomorrow, but it would seem that most of us have found small gifts and dropped them off for her anyway. She's opened them all and been on the What's App group thanking people and saying how loved she feels and how wonderful it is to have such caring friends. I feel sad that she reads our last-minute token gestures as being inspired by love when really they are motivated by guilt or discomfort.

Perhaps when all this Covid chaos is over all the group will need to think about how to handle things differently.

OP posts:
christmasathomeagain · 23/12/2020 17:35

So she hasn't even saved one to open in the group which was her original point?

This would frustrate me no end!

Brefugee · 23/12/2020 17:44

so instead of one gift she got loads and didn't give anyone anything? I think you all need to get together and agree not to keep pandering to her. She's sucking the love out of you all and not giving anything back

Original poster
Shedbuilder · 23/12/2020 19:52

'Sucking the love out of us' is a very apt way of putting it.

I have to say that I admire the way she gets what she needs.

OP posts:
SpiderGwen · 24/12/2020 10:44

@Shedbuilder

'Sucking the love out of us' is a very apt way of putting it.

I have to say that I admire the way she gets what she needs.

It’s very transactional of her. She performs and collects rewards.

I had a close friend like that. After 15 years, I ran out of sympathy/support/tolerance. Nothing changed, it was a constant expenditure of emotional labour and all one way.

Clymene · 24/12/2020 10:53

She is a mistress of manipulation. I work with someone like this and she's absolutely draining to be around.

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