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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with people telling me that others have it worse?

63 replies

Ocean69 · 21/12/2020 10:40

Like many others Christmas plans have been cancelled - instead of going to see DP's family we are staying home, just the two of us.
In the grand scheme of things it doesn't sound like much but I was so much looking forward to this after a difficult year. Have also not seen my family for over a year (as am a foreigner) and will probably not be able to for a long time, so was looking forward to the Christmas atmosphere as well as getting out of the flat that I have not left since March. Besides that I am quite young and after putting myself through uni was excited to finally have the money to enjoy myself.. and then COVID happened.
I KNOW that I am relatively lucky with a stable job, no children etc to worry about but does that mean that I should shut up and have no feelings? To be honest I have quite the case of compassion fatigue - I have always been a very empathetic person (i.e. the one that people come to when they need a shoulder to cry on, always know the right thing to say, checks on struggling friends etc) but I feel that Covid has turned everything into a competition, with people turning against each other?
The correct response is to listen to me rant and then offer me a cup of tea, not tell me 'chin up' and launch into a story about how someone else has lost their job and their home... I know it sounds cruel but after 6 months of holding it together and helping everyone else cope with their mental health I think I deserve to be heard when it's my turn!

Also I am done caring about other people, I have limited mental space and if I want to feel sorry for myself at least ONCE I am not a horrible human being. Do-gooders and their positive spins can fuck right off.

Thoughts?

Yes YABU - you are being unreasonable, shut up and sit down
YANBU - You are allowed to complain

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2020 10:43

If you haven't left your flat for 9 months, I'm going to guess you're severely immunocompromised so it would probably be safer to continue at home until you can get the vaccine.

But YANBU, everyone needs a moan now and then.

SummerBaby2020 · 21/12/2020 10:47

Everyone has a story op of how this whole lockdown and COVID situation has effected them and yes you are right some people do have it worse but that doesn’t mean that your feelings are invalid and tbh I’m sick of hearing the “ others have it worse “ too. Yes I count my blessings most days and yes I am lucky as you are too but it does that mean we can’t feel pissed off, upset, angry, down, sad about the whole thing and your own situation? Nope you are completely entitled to feel these things. Will you try make the best of a bad situation of course you will but it’s still not the same. It’s crap and I hope you feel better soon

SoupDragon · 21/12/2020 10:50

YABU not to post in the Coronvirus topic.

Castiel07 · 21/12/2020 10:53

I hate the 'you can not feel sad or down because others have it worse'.
I've said many times you wouldnt tell someone they couldn't be happy because someone else has more to be happy about.
This year has been shit and if anything people should be more understanding of everyone's troubles no matter how big or small

GirlsBlouse17 · 21/12/2020 10:54

Everyone should be allowed to talk about how they are feeling and about their worries, concerns and experiences without being judged. At the same time they should be open to listening to others without judging

Sexnotgender · 21/12/2020 10:54

It’s not a competition, you’re allowed to moan regardless of other people’s situation. This is a shitty time for all of us and you need to be kind to yourself

muddledmidget · 21/12/2020 10:59

I'm sorry that Christmas hasn't worked out the way you planned, can't offer you a cup of tea but will join you in one while commiserating that this Christmas probably is going to be one to forget! I could encourage you to go for a walk and see if fresh air helps, but I'm just going to crack open the cheese board and eat myself into a cheese stupor to forget so I'd encourage you to do the same

Boulshired · 21/12/2020 10:59

It’s being able to have a good moan but also mindful of your audience. There are people I can have a moan to and other people who it would be quite insensitive. Thoughtfulness works both ways.

MandosHatHair · 21/12/2020 10:59

I hate toxic positivity, it's so unhealthy. A friend on facebook posted this shit this morning, seems that unless you have it as bad as a soldier in the trenches, you are never allowed to be sad, frightened or homesick

AIBU to be annoyed with people telling me that others have it worse?

YoungScrappyHungry · 21/12/2020 11:01

YANBU and I was just talking to my friend about this yesterday.

I started miscarrying last week, had surgery and am at a very very low ebb. I had my DSis on facetime saying that the main thing is no ones died and we're all happy and healthy. (Of which I am neither of those things). I ended the facetime call.

@Castiel07 that's such a good point re: telling people not to be happy cos others have it better, I'm going to remember that.

COVID has turned life into a game of misery Top Trumps and I for one am sick of it. Yes we haven't lost anyone, yes of course that would be worse, but your feelings are valid and 2020 can fuck off frankly.

Sexnotgender · 21/12/2020 11:05

So true.

I’m sorry for your loss

MandosHatHair · 21/12/2020 11:09

YoungScrappyHungry so sorry your sister was so insensitive

emptydreamer · 21/12/2020 11:11

OP, of course YANBU. I probably have it "worse" than you on the shit scale - I am a single foreign parent, no family in the UK, had to homeschool two small children through a full time job and was let go of as a result, had two deaths in the family - one of covid, one due to inability to get medical help because of covid, and I could not even go to their funerals.

Guess what, in a very few cases when I moaned offline, I still got "many get it worse". As in - you're so lucky that you are single, imagine having a husband and having to worry about HIM as well!

FOJN · 21/12/2020 11:13

I think it's normal to want to have a moan when things don't turn out the way you like. It's been a difficult year for everyone in one way or another and we all need a listening ear when the going gets tough.

Remembering other people have it worse reminds me to count my blessings and name them everyday. This is not a competitive thing or toxic positivity, it's MY coping strategy during difficult times.

I try to be mindful that others may be struggling but are making a huge effort to stay positive and my negativity may bring them down too.

If I find myself focussing on the negatives it helps me to remember that if feeling sorry for myself had ever changed a bad situation then almost my entire life would have been sunshine and roses.

Hope you get to see your family next year.

catsarethebestestanimals · 21/12/2020 11:17

Thank you everyone for your lovely comments :) They have really helped.. perhaps I should get friends like you people instead

catsarethebestestanimals · 21/12/2020 11:17

@muddledmidget

That's a good shout - am going to make myself some brownies xx

Moonandstars25 · 21/12/2020 11:17

Yes I am sick of hearing this to. As I’ve seen on here we may all be in the same storm but we are all in different boats. We are individuals and what is a small deal to someone may be a bigger deal to others. And what people have experienced before prepares them differently to others for what we are experiencing now. I also hate people telling me I’m not resilient because I’m bothered by not being able to see my dad this year for Xmas. Part of my coping mechanism is acknowledging how I feel and allowing myself to feel upset by it for a little while, if I didn’t and bottled it up I think I would break in a bigger way later on.
Don’t invalidate your feelings because someone else has it worse.

Ponoka7 · 21/12/2020 11:19

People should listen to anyone who needs to vent, but not constantly. It depends on how much the complaining goes on for. If it's ongoing then you need to find positives and that can be done by looking at the experiences of those who have it worse.

"Also I am done caring about other people,"

Because you can't spend the money you want? I'm not surprised people aren't willing to listen to you.

OrigamiOwl · 21/12/2020 11:20

I agree, the emotional top trumps people seem to be getting involved in is draining.

catsarethebestestanimals · 21/12/2020 11:20

@YoungScrappyHungry

YANBU and I was just talking to my friend about this yesterday. I started miscarrying last week, had surgery and am at a very very low ebb. I had my DSis on facetime saying that the main thing is no ones died and we're all happy and healthy. (Of which I am neither of those things). I ended the facetime call.

@Castiel07 that's such a good point re: telling people not to be happy cos others have it better, I'm going to remember that.

So sorry for your loss :( that was very insensitive of her... I hope she(or someone else) at least contacted you later to check on why you ended the call and if you were ok..

MandosHatHair · 21/12/2020 11:21

Has anyone else ever noticed that the toxic positivity brigade are usually very well off or wealthy?

catsarethebestestanimals · 21/12/2020 11:23

@Ponoka7

"Also I am done caring about other people,"

Because you can't spend the money you want? I'm not surprised people aren't willing to listen to you.

Strange how you homed in on a single sentence out of everything I posted.. looks like you have a chip on your shoulder! I hope you're alright

Backbee · 21/12/2020 11:24

I hate it too, it's both possible to be in a better position than others and feel frustrated, sad and annoyed. My ex lost a leg in the military, and someone actually said well it could be worse, you could have lost both whilst technically true, it's still savage to lose one!

Chloemol · 21/12/2020 11:24

YANBU to want to moan
YABU with your response,people are trying to help you get it, that others do have it worse, no doubt they would like to moan and have a pity party as well but feel they need to encourage rather than wallow

And I don’t believe you have stayed indoors since March, never going out

Backbee · 21/12/2020 11:24

I would say know your audience though, obviously if someone has lost their job for example and you are saying you're stressed at work or whatever I can see why people say it maybe, still annoying though.

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