AIBU to be annoyed with people telling me that others have it worse?

[Ocean69]

Like many others Christmas plans have been cancelled - instead of going to see DP's family we are staying home, just the two of us.
In the grand scheme of things it doesn't sound like much but I was so much looking forward to this after a difficult year. Have also not seen my family for over a year (as am a foreigner) and will probably not be able to for a long time, so was looking forward to the Christmas atmosphere as well as getting out of the flat that I have not left since March. Besides that I am quite young and after putting myself through uni was excited to finally have the money to enjoy myself.. and then COVID happened.
I KNOW that I am relatively lucky with a stable job, no children etc to worry about but does that mean that I should shut up and have no feelings? To be honest I have quite the case of compassion fatigue - I have always been a very empathetic person (i.e. the one that people come to when they need a shoulder to cry on, always know the right thing to say, checks on struggling friends etc) but I feel that Covid has turned everything into a competition, with people turning against each other?
The correct response is to listen to me rant and then offer me a cup of tea, not tell me 'chin up' and launch into a story about how someone else has lost their job and their home... I know it sounds cruel but after 6 months of holding it together and helping everyone else cope with their mental health I think I deserve to be heard when it's my turn!

Also I am done caring about other people, I have limited mental space and if I want to feel sorry for myself at least ONCE I am not a horrible human being. Do-gooders and their positive spins can fuck right off.

Thoughts?

Yes YABU - you are being unreasonable, shut up and sit down
YANBU - You are allowed to complain

Maybe they just say "other people have it worse than you" because they are trying to cheer you up? Or to make you see that maybe even though everything is shit, it could be even worse?

I don't know op. ..

I haven't seen my parents/family in over 1.5years and dont know when ill see them again. So sometimes when i feel very sad and homesick i stay with that feeling and allow myself to feel hurt, BUT then i think about other people and how their situation is much worse than mine...and it pulls me back out of that dark hole. And it makes me more appreciative of what i do have.

Sorry to hear of your situation. It ducks missing your family isnt it. And that is one heck of an understatement. ..

Piwlyfbicsly

The culture of suppressing emotions is one of the reasons for the serious mental health problems in forces members and veterans.

I think for this year at least, we should all be allowed to wallow in our individual misery. I don't want to be told I'm selfish for wishing my dad was still going to my sisters for Xmas instead of coming to mine, when the rest of the country is upset they can't spend it with their family. Its not the Christmas I had planned since I opted out of driving 300 miles to the family Christmas 3 months ago. I'm allowed to be disappointed that I now have to get dressed, cook a traditional Christmas dinner and make small talk while watching crap TV instead of wallowing in my pj's, a leisurely stroll to the beach, and cooking dinner when I felt like it, before chilling in front of the fire with a nice bottle of red and some board games with my husband. Yes, my problems aren't as bad as everybody else's, but they're real and a disappointment to me. BTW, cheese board was delicious, now I've started on a yule log

@MandosHatHair
It’s not about suppressing emotions! It’s about not sharing them with others knowing that many of them are going through hell at the moment! Does it make sense?
If my acquaintance who’s WFH for a very generous wage will complain about having to do overtime whilst she’s benefiting financially from this pandemic whilst being protected from the virus at the same time, I’m not going to suppress MY emotions and will suggest her to stop moaning and get a grip! Because I’m having difficulty falling asleep every night thinking if my DH will still be employed tomorrow and she knows that!

@Moonandstars25 thank you for your post. I swear you’ve just lit a lightbulb above my head and articulated things I know have been bothering me too.
Generally speaking it helps me to remember it could be worse, as by default I count my blessings. But in normal times I have two close friends and a family member with a more difficult home life, so maybe I’m now just conditioned to matter less. We’ve lost our income and it’s not been lost on me that I’ve had to listen to how busy and stressed they are with work.
I think that under the circumstances it’s ok for us all to feel how we feel. I don’t think anyone is having a great time of it. I do agree though that you should choose your audience.

I agree I hate the toxic positivity stuff, it’s ok not to be ok. I agree too that the toxic positivity stuff usually comes from
People who have every advantage in life and really aren’t having that difficult a time compared to many! YoungScrappyHungry I am really shocked at how tactless your DSis was, I’m so sorry for your loss x

I was feeling sorry for myself as I cannot see my partner most likely now until Easter as he is in tier 4. Yet that sadness will be gone by when I do see him.
The people who have it worse are those that have longterm effects from this. Loss of a loved one, livelihoods, long covid etc. So I have got some perspective of late but realise that although I can feel down, I am in fact one of the lucky ones.

@RaspberryCoulis

YANBU.

It's been a race to the bottom all year, ever since March when we were told we should be glad we had the luxury to be sitting at home watching Netflix, depressed, as we could be SADLY DEAD.

And before anyone mentions it - fuck off with the "well your grandparents went to war" shite.

well, they did, and you don't have to go that far to realise what having real problems is! Lucky you if the pandemic in the UK is the worst thing you'll ever experience.

Moaning and whinging to people who happen to be in the exact same situation is very self-centred and tiring. They know. They are living the exact same thing. They are probably trying not to moan constantly. They don't need a reminder and someone bringing them down all the time.

After thinking over it I suspect the real reason I am annoyed is that people have felt entitled to unload on me (several times) but run the moment it's the other way around ,even once! It's shit to learn that people expect you to care about their problem but don't give a whit about yours.
Without sounding like I'm playing Covid Top Trumps this would be understandable if we were in wildly different situations (i.e. them having lost their jobs/homes/family members) but most of the people I vented to are in a similar situation with their stressors being all alone during covid/relationship issues, while I have a good relationship with DP.

Moaning and whinging to people who happen to be in the exact same situation is very self-centred and tiring. They know. They are living the exact same thing. They are probably trying not to moan constantly. They don't need a reminder and someone bringing them down all the time.
But isn't that part of friendship? You both work for the same job for the same shit boss, you moan reciprocally. My friend has ONE baby and has days when it's hard. I empathise and listen even though she only has one and I'm only 9 months ahead of her. I don't say "look shut up, I have kids, o know what's you're going through so do not talk to me"

@SleepingStandingUp exactly! Without giving each other emotional support it becomes a fair weather friendship. I agree that it has been harder this year but a lot of people seem to equate the occasional venting session with ‘constant moaning and complaining’...it stings even more when you have patiently listened and nobody is willing to do the same for you...

In ordinary times, I suspect we all know someone like that person in Dickens: "everyone felt it, but she felt it worst of all". And in ordinary times we tend to think "oh well that's just Sensitivefriend, she always has a worse time than anyone else the exact same thing happens to."

But if everyone in the whole country is dealing with the same hard times, her always feeling worse than I do about evereything starts to get a bit old and I for one might tend to run out of sympathetic things to say to Sensitivefriend and start to wonder whether he or she has noticed that I am in the same boat.

And saying ‘other people have it worse’ is a neat little phrase that implies ‘shut up you have no reason to complain so I can’t bothered to listen‘