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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with people telling me that others have it worse?

63 replies

Ocean69 · 21/12/2020 10:40

Like many others Christmas plans have been cancelled - instead of going to see DP's family we are staying home, just the two of us.
In the grand scheme of things it doesn't sound like much but I was so much looking forward to this after a difficult year. Have also not seen my family for over a year (as am a foreigner) and will probably not be able to for a long time, so was looking forward to the Christmas atmosphere as well as getting out of the flat that I have not left since March. Besides that I am quite young and after putting myself through uni was excited to finally have the money to enjoy myself.. and then COVID happened.
I KNOW that I am relatively lucky with a stable job, no children etc to worry about but does that mean that I should shut up and have no feelings? To be honest I have quite the case of compassion fatigue - I have always been a very empathetic person (i.e. the one that people come to when they need a shoulder to cry on, always know the right thing to say, checks on struggling friends etc) but I feel that Covid has turned everything into a competition, with people turning against each other?
The correct response is to listen to me rant and then offer me a cup of tea, not tell me 'chin up' and launch into a story about how someone else has lost their job and their home... I know it sounds cruel but after 6 months of holding it together and helping everyone else cope with their mental health I think I deserve to be heard when it's my turn!

Also I am done caring about other people, I have limited mental space and if I want to feel sorry for myself at least ONCE I am not a horrible human being. Do-gooders and their positive spins can fuck right off.

Thoughts?

Yes YABU - you are being unreasonable, shut up and sit down
YANBU - You are allowed to complain

OP posts:
fairydustandpixies · 21/12/2020 11:26

You've got it easy, I reckon.

WinterGarden633 · 21/12/2020 11:26

Tea and biscuits all around- sadness and disappointment are not measurable, and its perfectly reasonable to be upset over your situation without someone butting in and trying to invalidate the way you feel by telling you “it could be worse”. I haven’t been on mumsnet long but the last few days of misery-measuring have really done my head in.

I’m sorry your plans were cancelled, I really hope you manage to make the most of the day. ♥️

user1493413286 · 21/12/2020 11:27

Mumsnet is full of people telling you there is worse off people but on that logic you could never moan about anything as there will always be people worse off in the world but that doesn’t make it feel any better.

HighSpecWhistle · 21/12/2020 11:27

Everyone's entitled to feel sad. After all, many countries have far bigger worries than us.

Pain and sadness isn't relative. We all feel it sometimes for little and small things x

HeronLanyon · 21/12/2020 11:30

We are all of us every single one of us ‘allowed’ to feel angry/sad/worried etc.
It’s a truism for many of us that others are in more difficulty.
I don’t tend to say that because we are all dealing with stuff and at different stages of dealing with this.
Hell in one hour I can be teary with worry, anxious about finding some vegetable or other, reflecting on how extremely priveleged and lucky I have so far been through this, glad both parents passed away just before this shitshow, in tears they’re not around cos I miss them a LOT, dancing to music in my kitchen, back to worry etc etc etc.
We’re all all over the place a bit. And that’s ok.
Overall my own core feeling is ‘bloody hell this is a nightmare but we will get through mj it and look back on it from a batter place’
Support to everyone. Have a good holiday all.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/12/2020 11:32

The chin up, suck it up, is quite a British thing I think. Stiff upper lip, don't let people know how you're feeling. But you're right, everyone needs to be heard. It's ok to say to people "I know that's I just need a rant. It's really hard being CEV or DP being CEV, it's really hard not being able to do the things other people can do and I just need a bit of tea and sympathy"

MariaK91 · 21/12/2020 11:45

Someone will always have it worse than you and someone will always have it better than you. That in no way diminishes your own experiences.

When you're happy people don't tell you 'hey someone else has it better than you so don't be so happy' so I don't see why it should work the other way.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2020 11:49

OP, I'm curious as to why you've not left your flat since March?

You've literally just said on another thread that you had COVID in August. Did you not feel a bit more confident to go outside after having already contracted it?

CherryPavlova · 21/12/2020 11:50

Unreasonable. Put your big girl pants on like everyone else.

InvincibleInvisibility · 21/12/2020 11:52

Im in France and funnily enough have found that people have (generally) stopped moaning. Because we know its shit for everyone so it seems wrong to vent to someone who is also struggling.

There is the occasional outburst when something in particular has happened, but no long monologue moans. I was discussing this with a workgroup and psychologist at work and they said its quite dangerous as everyone is putting up walls and isolating themselves because they don't want to bother other people with their problems.

Fluffypyjamasandgin · 21/12/2020 11:55

YANBU to be annoyed at people telling you that others have it worse. But imagine how much your moaning is annoying people who do have it worse! You're sick of caring about other people? Maybe they're sick of you whining about problems they wish they had, compared to their own.

HitthatroadJack · 21/12/2020 11:56

The competitive misery is draining, but you also need to realise that the people you are moaning to might be struggling just as much if not more.

Are you genuinely not allowed to leave your flat since MARCH? There are ways to get out safely without ending into a crowded shop.

Whammyyammy · 21/12/2020 12:21

Having been married to someone who's been in the RAF for over 25 years, we've had many Christmases 'cancelled' some at very short notice, one year he was told to deploy on the 22nd December the next day.

Weve had Christmas, or 'Fixmas' as its affectionately known in the services in August, as he was detached then and returned February.

So when I see people moaning that Christmas is ruined or cancelled, I do chuckle.
Some people are not having a nice
Christmas at all due to no money, no home etc, make the best of what you've got, rather than sulk at what you haven't.

HitthatroadJack · 21/12/2020 12:32

So when I see people moaning that Christmas is ruined or cancelled, I do chuckle.

I am with you. It is inconvenient, disappointing at worst but the over-reactions are getting ridiculous.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2020 12:49

@Whammyyammy

Having been married to someone who's been in the RAF for over 25 years, we've had many Christmases 'cancelled' some at very short notice, one year he was told to deploy on the 22nd December the next day.

Weve had Christmas, or 'Fixmas' as its affectionately known in the services in August, as he was detached then and returned February.

So when I see people moaning that Christmas is ruined or cancelled, I do chuckle.
Some people are not having a nice
Christmas at all due to no money, no home etc, make the best of what you've got, rather than sulk at what you haven't.

Whilst I do agree the moaning has hit an annoying peak, I'm not sure you can compare this to your situation.

Your DH chose that job and you chose to marry him.

No-one has chosen this pandemic and the limits its brought.

MandosHatHair · 21/12/2020 13:08

Whammyyammy

Be thankful you're DH isn't in the American forces and deployed for a year at a time....

Be thankful your DH is 'only' in the RAF and isn't a marine on the front line all the time.

These are examples of toxic positivity I was met with when my DH was deployed and I just wanted a little moan about it. Not nice is it? Where does it end?

MandosHatHair · 21/12/2020 13:09

Except my DH was REME not RAF

Piwlyfbicsly · 21/12/2020 13:10

What happened to people that they can’t see things in perspective? Absolutely, you should be grateful.

  • young, unlikely to suffer through severe disease with Covid
  • have a roof over your head and a good job
  • have a partner.
We are in a pandemic, and there’s nothing happened to you to warrant complaining. Harsh but true. Being grateful is the best coping strategy anyway. Always was! Of course you’ve got your feelings, and entitled to them. So feel them! But I always try to think about it this way: I can’t complain about a migraine to the person who suffers from a brain tumour.
Spaghettibetty345 · 21/12/2020 13:11

It’s fine to feel the way that you do. But to vocalise it in front of people probably isn’t a good idea.

Piwlyfbicsly · 21/12/2020 13:14

@MandosHatHair
Actually, out of respect to the named soldiers.... maybe we aren’t allowed indeed?

SecretSpAD · 21/12/2020 13:20

Of course you aren't unreasonable to moan, vent and generally feel,pissed of with the world. It's been a shit year for everyone and everyone has suffered in some way specific to them.

Some people on here and in real life do feel the need to play suffering top,trumps and it does get tedious and people do get compassion fatigue. When that happens it's always best to have a moan, avoid the annoying people for a while and concentrate on yourself.

ComDummings · 21/12/2020 13:24

I think many people have at least something difficult to contend with at the moment and patience for listening to other people moaning and whining is running out.

Heyahun · 21/12/2020 13:29

Your situation sounds very similar to me - family are all in a different country, was looking forward to going home for Christmas etc - but I fully expected that it would all get cancelled - I don’t feel the same as you though - tbh im just making the most of it - Christmas at home just me and the husband this year!
I’ve been leaving my flat though pretty much every day - is there a reason you are always home? Don’t go out?

Tbh there are people way worse off as you and it’s a bit weird you can’t see that.

If you don’t want to hear it then cut off communication - they are probably only trying to make you feel better/see the positives

RaspberryCoulis · 21/12/2020 13:31

YANBU.

It's been a race to the bottom all year, ever since March when we were told we should be glad we had the luxury to be sitting at home watching Netflix, depressed, as we could be SADLY DEAD.

And before anyone mentions it - fuck off with the "well your grandparents went to war" shite.

dayslikethese1 · 21/12/2020 13:34

I think I agree with in general OP unless you are moaning a lot to people who do have it worse, in which case that would be insensitive. But bottling everything up can't be good for people. I wouldn't go so far as to say I would stop caring about people though, that seems a bit OTT.